Talk Thursday: Equinox

I thought I was pagan for awhile. I simply knew that I could no longer call myself Christian, and lacked a better term. I studied it a bit, but never considered myself a witch or a shaman, or any of the other things, but I believe in the power of the mind and meditation, herbal healing, and I've always felt God in nature... I thought I'd finally found my way.

At some point, I realized that though I no longer believed that The Bible was the Divine Word, it's impossible to shake off your roots. There was a major war going on in my soul. I still believed in God. I still believed that God is good. I just don't believe that Christianity has the whole and complete Truth. In my opinion, it offers several interpretations of a partial Truth.

I haven't had Eucharist in some 16 years, I sometimes have panic attacks about it- even though I really don't believe in it.

When my son was born, I had major anxiety about whether or not to have him Christened.

I believe that God knows what's in my heart; He knows my needs, my fears, my joys, and my dreams. I don't believe that prayer is necessary.... but it took me a long time to realize that this doesn't mean I can't talk to God. For a long time I felt like I was giving into the programing of my youth. I felt hypocritical. .. like if I don't believe in the tenants of the faith- I shouldn't uphold the practices. Then I realized, that's just retarded... I'm pretty certain anyone with faith talks to God.

I get upset when people accuse me of having abandoned God. I guess that I look at it as my faith in God is so strong, I don't need to have all the answers... I don't have to believe that the Bible is 100% actual and factual. I can believe in science and God at the same time. I can be wrong and know that my God will still love and forgive me. Some accuse me of having abandoned God, but don't know their religion well enough to debate the issue with me so I can explain the things in THEIR faith that cause me to believe the way that I do.... It's frustrating when they admit that they don't know the Bible as well as I do, so they can't have this conversation... But I've abandoned God.

Most people cannot grasp that instead of believing "because the Bible told me so", I believe because I feel the overwhelming love of God in my soul and I have blind faith in that love. I can believe in God with a logical mind and not be afraid to say, "That doesn't make sense, I don't believe it." That doesn't contradict my faith. That doesn't lessen my faith. In my mind, it means I'm secure in my faith, and, in fact, strengthens it. I have a broader acceptance of God... I don't limit myself to one flavor of God. I think all the religions offer something beautiful and insightful on their path to God.... (Ok... except Scientology... but in truth.... I really can't consider them a religion.. which I know isn't fair..."Judge not, least ye be judged.." but I still haven't wrapped my brain around those people.)

As God said to Moses, "Ehyeh asher ehyeh"

I am who I am.

And I know that He understands me.... after all, He made me this way.. Right?


I hear His voice on the wind.
I feel His touch in the rain.
I feel His caress as the sun warms my skin.

God is with me and I am His to judge. Not yours.