Sunday, October 30, 2011

Talk Thursday: Frustration (Late.. I know)

Something is not right in The Land of Under-The-Hood..

And it's messing with my head.

We can't figure out what is wrong with my stupid POS Jeep. (Though I have learned that I HATE Jeeps and wish they'd all burn in Hades) (I don't mean that Jeep gods.. I'm sorry) The damn thing just spontaneously decides to not participate in life. It's like a stubborn child.. It will be on it's best behavior for weeks, even months... then one day.. nothing. 12 hours later, it will randomly start, just fine. I thought it was the starter. (Apparently) we know it's not the starter because we can hear the starter fuse clicking. We thought it was the battery (Even though it's only like 7 months old, "but even new batteries can go dead overnight" ) Well, it wasn't the battery (mutherfucker!) We thought "maybe the alternator". Not the alternator because we undid a battery cable and the fucker didn't die. Nothing makes sense... Nothing at all. (voodoo)

*Enter my neurotic, paranoid superstitious stupidity. *

I find that every time I go to my car, I'm holding my breath, praying for it to start.... Problem is, I don't fucking believe in prayer. This Christian, gone Pagan, gone Agnostic, now resides somewhere in the realm of WHOFUCKINGKNOWS, and most assuredly does not believe that God, or gods, or goddesses, or Flying Spaghetti Monsters, or Invisible Pink Unicorns or fucking Zarquon (which also translates to "fucking fuck") (which I have to say I love!) is going to tamper with the goings on of my engine workings based on whether or not I prayed for it not to... IN FACT, I find it more likely that a god-entity would be MORE LIKELY to fuck with the inner-workings of my vehicular nightmare simply because I had the gall to assume that It cared about it in the first place....

Yes, I think I've jinxed myself. (WHICH MAKES NO DAMN SENSE!!) (because I am a sensical person) (I AM! and Zarquon YOU Spell Check... 'sensical' is so a fucking word.. if not.. how can you be NONsensical..?) (Psam, ftw!) Then, I find myself evaluating my actions for any ridiculous faux pas I haven't yet eliminated... I started the car while the passenger door was still open... Did I wish it would start? Or did I just assume it would? If I hoped... then I was assuming the worse... and felt that a little wishing was needed.. If I just assumed it WOULD start.. then I was taking it for granted... and that is to be frowned upon.. THEN, I'm like "Whoa, Psam... this is silliness.. " and I'm like BLASPHEMOUS!!!! The god-things will hate you... Then rationale is like... The god-things don't give a crap about your thoughts.. they have god-thing things to worry about... Why do you think you're so damn special that you even appear on the god-thing's radar things??? BECAUSE MY CAR RANDOMLY WON'T START FOR NO FUCKING APPARENT REASON....Ergo.. god-things...

Then logic speaks up again. "Psam....... You are pathetically retarded!"

Logic is a BITCH!

So, this is my one... and only.... or last ...Prayer to the (Car) god-things.

Dear (Car) god-things,

PLEASE quit messing with my car. Please let me have the confidence to go to work.. and know that I'll be able to get home in the morning. Please let me have the confidence to go to the store.. or take my son to his counselor... or to swim practice... without having to worry that I'm going to be stranded a half hour from home. Please quit making me retardedly neurotic. Because I don't believe that you, or any god-thing, fucks with people on whim.... Please quit making me crazy.

Much love,
So Mote It Be. Hallelujah. Peace Be With You. Go Forth And Prosper. Amen. Praise be to Allah. Word to Your Mother. Namaste.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Lost... And Found... But Still Lost....

I'm not really lost. This is not a boo-hoo poor Psam post.. This is a declaration of my frustrations.

Maybe I'm going through a mid *gulp* life crisis.

I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck in a body that isn't what I want. I feel like I'm stuck in a go-no-where life that isn't what I intended. I have a job I hate. I only have two friends here.. One I never get to see.. The other only wants to try to fuck me.. or cry on my shoulder when his life his in the shit hole... Sometimes those overlap. I have no social life. I do nothing.

I am fun.. I am funky. I am unique. I am not my age. I want to be me. And I guess that's the real crux of it all. I don't get to be me. I want to wake up every day and dress in a style that screams "Psam"... cuz really, I'm Psam on the inside. Here, in this life, when Psam comes out, people look at me like I'm crazy... like I don't fit. I have people who know and love my "Psam" ... but they aren't here.. They aren't in my every day, touchable life. My mom knows Psam. I think she even likes her, but sorry Mom.. I need more than my mommy sometimes.

I'm in a rut. I need a change. I need a life.

This is not me.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Super Powers and Orgasms...

I KNOW I owe like a million TT posts.. I'm sorry.. I suck... I am The Suckage....

I have spent the last few nights reading The Bloggess and that chick cracks me the fuck up! She has inspired me to quit hiding my inner ridiculous... I kinda think she should be canonized and be made the Patron Goddess of Taxidermied Animals and Totally Neurotic Bloggers. She totally rocks!
So this here post (that you're currently reading) directly relates to this post, or more so.. the comments left by her readers. She kinda asks her readers what is the one thing you really want, but haven't bought yourself.... But it was turned into "WHAT IS THE MOST CRAZIEST FUCKING THING YOU CAN THINK OF?" and most of her peeps are cool as hell and totally raise the bar on crazy... Sure there are those that are like "I want a new house so that my family can be secure" or "I want a job" which yeah, I'm so totally freaking there with you.. I get your pain... But this is satire folks... Not the Lifetime Movie of the Week. I think ppl read her blog to feel good.... and dude, you're ruining the party.
Plus (and make fun of me all you want Tandy) (I'm so totally NOT fucking superstitious) but talking about your hopes and fears jinxes the fuck out of you! Seriously! I don't talk about what I really need because that pretty much guarantees that I'm fucked... Sure I talk about "Dude, if I were suddenly rich.. I would buy a missile silo and build a fucking castle on top of it so when the apocalypse (be it zombie, viral, nuclear, or Jesus come to destroy the masses) comes .. I'm totally fucking golden".. I can talk about this because there's just about as much chance of this happening as you finding Satan at the K-Mart buying ice skates.. But that's right up there with "If I woke up one day and looked like Selma Hayek, I'd spend a month at the mall... naked!" Don't worry peoples, you don't need to avoid the mall because, sadly, it's probably NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN! ( really wish it would)
I don't talk about the bad stuff... cuz DUH! That's just INVITING disaster. 'Nuff said.

So.... I made my list of ridiculous things that I so want....
1. The damn castle/missile silo stronghold.. cuz DUDE!
2. Firefly to get picked back up...
3. To wake up one day with my nipples pierced, simply because I REALLY, REALLY want it done but can't imagine letting some stranger hold my nekid titties.
4. A clone slave that can do all the shit I don't want to do.. Like work.... and go to swim practice so that I can get more than 5 or 6 hours sleep at a time and ....................... sadly, spend more time on my computer.
and 5. A severe allergy to chocolate/peanut butter.... and maybe caramel too... Ok.. fuck it... all sweets and carbs in general... Preferably not life-threatening allergies.... but something that's horribly uncomfortable... like my ears swelling to 5 times their natural size...

I think that's a pretty damn good list.

Ok... so some ppl got really creative.. and they were talking about super powers... and I .. just a sec...........


Ok... so you totally know the Vulcan Death Grip right? Ok.... so something totally like that... but instead of Death.... was it really death? cuz I'm NOT much of a Trekkie but I thought it was more like sleep... BUT... instead of Death/Sleep.. orgasm... That's right, ORGASM!..... Could you imagine being able to touch someone on the shoulder and give them the most instantaneous, out-of-this-world orgasm? DUDE! I'd start going to church... Just to touch old ladies on the shoulder during prayer... That would be funny shit!