Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Precious Gifts

The last two weeks or so has been really hard on my friends. I have two friends about to lose their moms to strokes. Another friend just found out that his mom has lymphoma.

I feel like I'm a shitty friend. While these aren't super close friends, I've met and spent time with their moms. Both are fun, fabulous women. About a month ago, they both had a stroke in the same week. Both seemed to get better, and were sent home or to a rehab facility. Both have taken horrible turns for the worse. They aren't expected to make it much longer.

If these were close friends, I'd know what to do. As they aren't,  I sit back and send my love and happy thoughts, and cry for totally selfish reasons. Yes, I'm horribly sad for my friends, but I can't NOT think, "what if this was my mom?" That makes me a fucking wreck.

There are two thought places I just can't go, losing my son or losing my mother. If the worst were to happen... I can't imagine ever getting up off the floor. My brain just goes numb.

When I was younger, I couldn't imagine being an adult. I felt certain I would die before I was 18. When that didn't happen, I figured it would be before I was 21, simply because I couldn't imagine myself beyond that point. I now understand why I couldn't... and still don't consider myself a grown-up. But when I look at the "Don't Go There" places.. it's the same numb nothingness.

I don't know how to be there for my friends, as a secondary friend. (I don't say secondary like it's a bad thing.... that's simply the truth of it.) My place is not there, with them.. holding hands and being a shoulder to cry on. There are closer friends who belong there, and are. I just wish I could send my support in a more coherent, unguarded way. Unfortunately, my words of love and support are shallow and choppy because of the guarded place I go when thinking about their situation. It's so hard to turn off the personal aspects and make it all about them.

I've had life shattering loss before. There's nothing anyone can do for you. I don't know if people can give you enough support. I don't know that any support really helps. You have a process and you go through it. Hysteria, pain, the long period of numbness, grief and acceptance, then the healing. Charmin died 23 years ago this October... and I'm still healing. The period of numbness lasted the majority of my 8th grade year and I have very few memories if it. The healing has come in spurts. Many times I've felt that I was over it, then it all comes back. That's probably natural in this sort of situation.

I so badly want to tell them that they have a rare opportunity. While watching someone die slowly sucks beyond belief, it gives you the chance to make your peace with each other and express all the things that would haunt you if you couldn't. I didn't have this chance with Charmin. Her death was sudden and unexpected. I did get it with my grandfather and even though it was hard to see him lying in that hospital bed, knowing that I would never hear his voice again, knowing that I'd never get to tell him again how much I love him and hearing him tell me once last time that he loves me. Experiencing the last time I would EVER willingly let someone call me Krissy. Precious moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. Gifts. Each second is a precious, totally selfish, GIFT.

Use them well.

But I don't know how to relate that without sounding totally trite.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Talk Thursday: The Sweet Spot

Sure, when I thought of this topic, I was totally thinking sexual. Nothing wrong with that. I'm an incredibly sexual person, even though I don't get it that often. Maybe if I got it on a regular basis that would change. *shrug* If I ever get to test that theory, I'll let you know. *wink*

Despite my lack of sex life, I think I've hit "The Sweet Spot" in life. My diet is going great. At somewhere around 6 weeks, I've lost slightly over 31 pounds. I'm feeling confident. I feel good about myself. I feel like nothing can stop me. That's a good place to be.

But I am not my weight. Big or thin. I am a good person. I'm a good mom. I'm a good friend. I'm a good co-worker. I am thoughtful and inquisitive. I am a happy person. This is who I am, and I'm a great person to be. I don't know that I really, seriously ever felt otherwise, but I'm more certain now than ever.

I have always my moments. I do not ooze self-confidence. I have social anxieties. I have horrible taste in men. Maybe it's more that horrible men have a taste for me. Either way, it comes out the same in the end. In a sense, I guess this does define me. I have loving friends who are concerned about my perpetual state of "SINGLE". Yeah, at times... it SUCKS big, fat, hairy balls. My son deserves a positive male role model who is a daily influence in his life. I deserve a companion to share the laughs, the tears, and the stresses. And a sexual partner would be much appreciated. Social anxieties limit my interactions and opportunities to mingle with the opposite sex. *shrug* For the most part, I'm ok with this. Of course I am.... I'm giving in to, and protecting my anxieties. I get that. Believe it or not, I have a fairly good understanding of how I work. That said, I don't really know how to overcome it.

Sure, when I think about growing old alone, that really bites... When my son tells me how much he wishes he had a dad, that kills me. In those moments. I don't dwell on it. I can bitch "GODDAMN IT! I NEED TO GET LAID!!" Just like I would bitch, "GODDAMN IT! I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE CAKE!" I'm not depressed over it. I'm not miserable. It means I'm fucking horny (but I might settle for chocolate cake.... well these days, some sugar-free/fat-free chocolate pudding with some chocolate rice cakes). Plain and simple. I know plenty of married peoples who don't get the amount of sex they want. This has little to do with being single. I could have a shitty boyfriend, if I wanted one. I could get laid... if that's all I wanted (and if I had no standards). That's not what I want.

When I put up my protective cloak, I'm all "Men are stupid... Men are users and assholes and I hate them". I know that's not true. I know there are great guys out there. Unfortunately, at this point, they don't see me... or if they do, I can't see through my lack of self-confidence to notice. Yes, relationships, MARRIAGE, scare the shit out of me. Life has given me a healthy fear of trusting that much. It makes me afraid to approach it. That doesn't mean that I don't want it. Once I'm in it, I force myself to trust too much. I over compensate. Yeah, in that area... I'm pretty much a train wreck.

This really doesn't define me. I think about sex way more than I think about "Ohhh I'm so lonely." Really, I'm not that lonely. Yes, most of my social interaction is via the internet. I don't have many close friends in my physical life, but I have amazing friends that live on the other side of the world. And they mean the world to me. (Even the ones who aren't speaking to me right now.) I don't talk to my nearby friends every day... or even every week. This doesn't make me lonely. I could call or go to their house. I just don't. To be honest, I don't think we'd stay as close of friends if we spent that much time together. I have some friends that I could spend every moment of my life with, physically or via Skype, and others that I love just about as much because we DON'T spend that much time together. Both are important to me. Both are good for me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I have my glitches. I have the things that, yeah, I wish were different or better. I wish I was a millionaire... But I'm not unhappy. I have a good life, and currently, it's just getting better and better.

I now have 3 pairs of panties that fit me properly, and I'm about a week and a half from a bunch of really cute lacy panties that have been taking up space in my drawer because I refused to give up on them. Maybe I'll find someone to appreciate them, maybe not. But I'll feel damn good while I'm wearing them. And that's what matters.

See, The Sweet Spot.

Prozzak - Be As