Irony????

Just as I finished up my last post... I got a text.

Dear God,

This is my girl, my friend and sister, whom I love and this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you. She will always be safe.

I love you girl. Now you're on the clock. In nine minutes something will make you happy. But you have to tell nine sisters you love them, including me. Get going girl! Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move yours.

Truly Blessed.

......................... Have I ever mentioned that I'm superstitious? Not in the "I have to send this or my life will suck.." way, but in the "I can't send this or my life will suck" way. I KNOW!!! I probably don't make any sense.

I don't believe in tempting the Fates. I don't make wishes. I don't like to voice my hopes or fears - it might jinx the one and give life to the other. And I DON'T send on chain letters or texts. The odds are, something might make me happy anyway... in the next 9 minutes? who knows... but to ask for more than whatever might be planned for me seems like I'm pushing it. It's like praying that you get that job, or that he likes your new hair do, or that you get pregnant, or that you aced that test... If it's going to happen, it'll happen... not based on how much you wish, hope, or pray and to ask for more is selfish.

As far as this text goes. The message is nice and sweet and it would feel good to know that someone had that wish for me.... if there wasn't a "forward this now and your dreams will come true" attached to it.

So Laine, thank you for the texty hug.... but I'm going to ignore this... with all the rest that I get.. and know that if it's meant to be, it will be...

Blind faith, again.

The Little Things

Yesterday evening, Lucifer let us have Gemini for a whole 5 hours! He visited with his dad, played with Burp, and ate dinner with us.. I even got a hug. It was a good time.


Gemini is 11, he'll be 12 in November. I know not really a Gemini... I named him that because of the Jekyll and Hyde personality he supposedly has. Around me, he's never been anything but polite and respectful, but I've heard rumor that he can be a real turd sometimes. Also that he and Burp have had a lot of problems getting along in the the past. Most of that problem stems from the fact that Burp is best friends with GamerBoy, who is Gemini's cousin and best friend.... So there are some jealousy issues. I'm sure there's also some age difference and understanding issues. GamerBoy and Burp are only a year apart, and both have some similar symptoms of Asperger's, though GamerBoy's Asperger's is way more severe.


There are almost three years between Burp and GamerBoy and Burp can be even younger in some of his attitudes and responses. Gemini didn't seem to mind at all last night though. He just seemed happy to be here, as we all were. He even came to me and said, "I really like being here." Bittersweet. He's a good kid.. He just needs some stability and love.


I did however learn, he does not like broccoli. He likes green beans. I will remember this. And he and Burp have the same favorite ice cream, Mint chocolate chip.


I spent Friday cleaning Burp's room. For the last year and a half, his top bunk has been home to the last few boxes I'd yet to unpack. I finally did that.. Threw tons of shit away. Made the bed. Threw away all the broken and outgrown toys and organized what was left. I had really hoped that maybe Lucifer would let us have Gemini for the weekend... hahaha right, I know. But on the off-chance that she did, I wanted him to have a place. When he came over last night and saw that the bed was cleaned off and made up, he asked if I'd done that for him so he could stay over sometimes, and I told him it was. He smiled really big and said thank you.


Kids need to know that they're wanted. They need to know that you've opened up a place for them in your life. He seems to like that I've done that for him.


I have long held that blood doesn't equal love or family. Plenty of people in this world don't feel the bond of "family" simply because they're born to it. Family comes from the people you love, that love you in return, who make special places for you in their lives, not because they have to or are obligated by genetics to do so, but because they want and choose too. This is why I'm closer to my Papa than I am my biological father. This is why my son has a stronger bond with his Aunts Tandy and Chole, who are not in anyway related except through love, than he does with the Aunts who can legally call themselves such. This is why Burp has a baby cousin halfway around the world. This is why my mom, even through exasperation and frustration, gives her time and love to my batshit crazy adopted grandma.


Burp and I have long held that blood has nothing to do with family. I'm hopeful that our family is expanding a little.

.....Summer Has Come and Past...

It's been a good summer, for the most part.

There has been a bit of drama... The Plumber's sister is one of my best friends, and there is currently major tension between her husband and the Plumber.... to the point that there were several times a fist fight was only narrowly avoided. This has affected my ability to hang out with my friend, and Burp's ability to hang out with his friends... but I'm just hopeful that this will blow over and everything will be...... functional again.

The Plumber's ex-wife, who will evermore be referred to as Lucifer (because that is truly what the Plumber calls her) is not happy that he is now living with me. Did I mention that she lives directly across from me? She sits outside her front door to smoke and looks down into my apartment, so we now leave the front curtains closed 24-7. Apparently, the other day while I was at work, she screamed across the parking lot, "Have fun fucking your fat bitch!" The Plumber was livid... and doesn't seem to understand that I'm only upset that she called me a bitch, as I've never been anything but polite and respectful to her. Perhaps it was that we've been around each other many times at his sister's house, when she's been trash talking him, and I never said a word.. (Cuz it's none of my damned business!) Maybe it's the fact that when all Hell broke loose at the sister's house, and the Plumber showed up on my doorstep with his crying son, and I brought them in, fed Gemini, and put him to bed in Burp's room, and she came to pick him up - she didn't expect that the Plumber was asleep in my bed. It was hard to miss the shock as her bottom jaw bounced off the floor. Regardless, I'm not in denial... the fat part is obvious... but if she wants to call me a bitch- hell, I can act the part! Generally, I'm as sweet as pie... but if that little anorexic, strung-out,  2 dollar gutter slut wants to throw down, she's messing with the wrong "bitch"!

No- that doesn't mean I'm going to go looking for a fight, but if she brings it to my door- she'll only do it once.

But anyway.... Other than the bits of drama surrounding us, life with the Plumber is fab-u-lous! I'm a little bummed because he'll be working out of town for the next few days, and I'm not entirely sure when he'll be home... but, I also got a call to work tonight... so it'll even out some.

On another note...

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Where did the days go? Burp starts the 4th grade. Damn how time flies. It will be interesting to see what happens now that Burp has an IEP... There are things that I don't agree with in this school. There is no homework until October, as they want the kids to feel situated before they start homework, and when they do- it isn't nearly enough. One page, each, front and back of math and writing per week doesn't cut it in my world. This causes fights at home because I create more homework and Burp feels like he's getting the shit-end of the stick... Will he thank me for it someday? Probably not!

The one thing with this school that I do appreciate is how on top of things they are with his "issues". That has been a huge relief.

So here's to a great school year!
Cheers!

We Have Achieved Baby!!!!

"Alexander Henry Douglas Fowler was born at 23:08 on the 25th of August 2010, weighing 3740g and 40-something centimeters in length ." - Simon, Sandra's Labour Blog.

I'm so glad it's over, that was a long 48 hours... and I wasn't even the one trying to birth a baby.

All my love goes out to Sandra, Simon, and little baby Xander.

A little song for them......

OMG... GOING NUTS!!!!

Woke up this morning to find that an hour and a half ago Sandra was taken to surgery. I've been through it, I know she's going to be fine... but there's that part of me that's freaking the fuck out.

I don't really believe much in prayer, and she believes in it even less.... but I find myself sending up good thoughts.... Trying not to cry.. Holy crap cookies.. it's been and hour and a half.... for fucksake Sandra, do you have to be half a world away?

She'd laugh at me and roll her eyes if she could hear the panic in my brain right now... the bitch.

Still No Baby....

*sigh*

I'm feeling very bad for Sandra.... She had an amazing little machine called a TENS that sent electronic pulsey-shock things that blocked the pain of the contractions... it has shorted out... now she has morphine. lol
It's been something like 20 hours of contractions 5 to 2 minutes apart.. and last update, they'd FINALLY checked her.. and she's effacing, but it sounds like she isn't dilating much yet.

Hang in there girl! This is the reason there are so many of us poor, lonely only children in the world.

Love ya!

Ohhh-- when I told Burp her water broke... he panicked.... concerned because they were at the hospital. When I explained to him what the term meant and the process and all -he gave a HUGE sigh of relief... Then explained that he's thought their pipes had burst at home and was concerned because they weren't there to do anything about it. lol

Ash's Post Surgical Xray

She put this up on her FaceBook... Damn, I wish I had a presurgical Xray!!!

TT: Odds & Ends..... addition

I promised to add the pic of Ash's broken leg when I got it...

I think the toes are supposed to be pointing up!

Talk Thursday: So I Have To Ask....?

So I have to ask...... Why do the people I know prefer to call me for medical advice, instead of their doctor? For the most part, I don't mind.... The investigation part is interesting for me, but I'm not a doctor, or a nurse... I'm a freaking secretary. Albeit an ER Unit Secretary, but my medical training is INCREDIBLY limited.

It started several years ago when a roommate had some lab work done and came to me concerned because her glucose came back fairly elevated. I asked to see her previous levels, and then asked her if anything had changed between the normal one and the elevated one. The doc had changed some of her meds in that time. I did a little investigation and found that one of her meds was contraindicated for diabetics.... The easy answer for me would be because it must mess with your sugars.... ta dah!

Yesterday, I got two calls. Call one came from my friend who broke her leg and just got out of the hospital. She hasn't pooped in a week and wanted to take a laxative, but the box says that if you're pregnant, call your health care professional.. My advice: Call your pharmacist.

The second one came at 2300, from a friend that just had lab work done and her Vitamin D came back low..... Why would that be? What causes that? Hmmm, I know she's outside a lot... No, she doesn't drink milk... But I also know that Vit D isn't a standard chemistry screen, so why did her doctor test it? I asked what meds she's one so I can investigate those.... Albuterol and a thyroid drug.. Hmmmmm, Vit D isn't really a vitamin, it's a hormone... FIve minutes later, I confirm... It's either due to the med or her thyroid hormone. I tell her to take the supplement her doc prescribed and send her a list for a Vit D rich diet. (It's always easier for your body to utilize what it gleans from food sources rather than supplements).

Last week, a friend without medical insurance calls me.. She's pretty sure she has pitted keratolysis, but can't afford to go to the doctor if she doesn't HAVE too. I get this. I did some investigation.. If she is right, it's caused by bacteria when the feet get hot and sweaty. She's a waitress.. duh. So, home remedies... I explain to her that if she went to the doctor they might give her a topical or oral erythromycin. Bacteria is pretty sensitive to pH, so I suggest she do vinegar baths and alternate with tea baths (tannin will dry out the affected area) and get some tea tree oil and use that topically. Also, change your socks, cotton, several times a day and alternate shoes, don't ever wear the same pair two days in a row. Go barefoot as much as possible. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell if my suggested treatment would really work, because she keeps forgetting and will probably go to the doctor anyway.

My favorite call ever... About 3 weeks ago, I was at Ash's house (yes, the broken-legged laxative friend) and an exboyfriend started blowing up my phone. I ignored the first 6 calls, 6 calls in 20 minutes, then finally answered a bit annoyed. "What? Is someone dying? What's your freaking emergency?"
He responds in a frantic voice, "It IS an emergency!"
Me: Ok.... what's going on?
Idiot: Well, I don't know what to do... It's embarrassing and I don't want to go to a doctor...
Me (Rolls eyes) : Ok... What's going on?
Idiot: Well, I've been going to the pool a lot. And swimming.
Me (No shit? Is that what those are for?) To him: uh huh?
Idiot: And I had my lady friend shave my body.... my whole body.

(Did I mention we've been broken up for two years? All I can think is, poor lady friend!)

Me: Ok?
Idiot: And this is really embarrassing.... I have an ingrown hair, I think, on my asshole.
Me: ..............................................*choke back laugh*........ ok..?
Idiot: And I don't want to go have some doctor guy look at my asshole. My lady friend looked... I don't know what to do.. It hurts... Should I pop it? I called my mom and she said to sit in a warm salt bath. I called my cousin, and he said stab it with a needle... I called my other cousin and she said to have my lady friend squeeze it... My aunt said to leave it alone and go to the ER... What do I do?

Me: ............................................ Um, How long have you had it?
Idiot:  30 minutes!
Me (In my head: and you called me 7 times and half of your family?) To him (Still trying desperately to not laugh) : Well, Epsom Salt  bath would be good...  If it is an ingrown hair, or something of that type, that will help it come to a head... (but..I'm thinking probably a rrhoid) Yeah, ummm, I wouldn't squeeze it or STAB it... There's a fairly significant blood vessel that runs around your anus..... don't go stabbing at it. Really, there are several possibilities of what it could be.... But I don't want to look at it... Really, I'm not going to look at it... Ummm, if it gets significantly worse, or doesn't seem to get better in the next 4 or 5 days... You're going to have to have a professional look at your ass.. Sorry.

At this point, Idiot starts ranting and raving to the point that everyone in the room is staring at me with shit eating grins on their face and now the kids are interested too!

Me: Don't yell at me, dumbass, I'm not a damned doctor, most certainly not an ass doctor. You want a better opinion, go show someone your ass! Otherwise, chill out. You aren't bleeding. You're not going to die... at this point. (DAMN!) Wait and see how it goes.. it's been 30-fucking-minutes! Ohhh.. and quit shaving your asshole!

And I hung up!

Everyone knows you're supposed to wax it! Sheesh!

Talk Thursday: Odds and Ends

OMG! I can soooo do this one too!

This is the first day that I've actually had a whole 22 hours between scheduled events... albeit, half of that was spent sleeping.

This was Cub Scout Day Camp week, and Ohhhhhh what a week it was! This year I got to run the Tot Lot- lemme tell ya, it was so much fun!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!" I loved my Tots. I got all the younger siblings of the Scouts whose parents came to volunteer. At first I was like "OMG, how am I going to keep all these kids occupied??" Then I got the bright idea to get some river rocks, and spend a day making pet rocks.. It was such a hit, we did it all week! I couldn't tell you how many pounds of rock we lugged to camp, but the kids loved it and had tons of fun!!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!" I gave away most of my good ones.. but here's the paper mache one I made.

We had fun. "TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!"This year the Springfield Police Department, Oregon State Police, and the US Forest Service we such a wonderful presence at Camp.

One day one of the K9 Units came out and did a demo at lunch and the next day the SWAT team came out..(Ok, this pic wasn't taken at camp.. this was at the K9 Competition a few weeks ago, and this isn't even the Unit that came to camp- but I didn't get a pic of it) And the last day, Smokey Bear visited.

We spent most of the week painting rocks and going to the playground. On occasion the kids did just play in the Tot Lot! I got lots of compliments that this was this years Tot Lot was the best ever! The kids seemed to have fun and wanted to come back each day. "TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!!"

The Big Kids had fun too!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!!" Burp is tanned and covered with mosquito bites. I have a groovy bite on my forehead. This years camp theme was CSI: Cub Scout Investigators.  They learned how to pour molds of foot prints, learned to make and care for campfires and how to cook on them, the standard sports they do every year, and of course... bbgun and archery.

One of the most favorite things of camp any year, is the obstacle course. On the last day, a good friend of mine decided to give it a go, as her son had been begging her for years. Ash fell from the zip-line and broke her tib/fib in glorious fashion. I'm trying to get her husband to send me the pic of it... I might have to add it later. The ambulance came and the took her to the ER and the next morning she had a plate, a rod, and a bone graft put in. She's to be off her feet for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I feel really bad for her. She's 10 weeks pregnant and everyone is giving her shit about "Your pregnant! What were you thinking?" Well, she didn't fall cuz she's pregnant... she probably fell because it was hot and sweaty out. And the baby is fine... and the OB-GYN wasn't concerned at all. I'll probably be at her house helping out quite a bit for the next few weeks... Not only does she have 2 kids, but she has 2 live-in residents that she cares for- a 50 year old Down's lady with Addison's and a 36 year old mentally retarded lady.
There was a bit more drama than usual at camp this year, but it mostly involved adults who apparently hadn't gone through the Scouting program as youths because their behavior was deplorable. Luckily, the boys were pretty oblivious to it all and still had a lot of fun.
"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!"

My 22 hours is up... time to go to a birthday party.

Shooting Star

Around the time that Burp was born, my friends and I spent a lot of late nights out on my back porch sipping coffee, chatting, and watching the stars.

Today was hot and sweaty. Once I got Burp in bed, I took a quick shower and turned out all the lights and stepped out on my patio in nuttin' but a towel. It's funny how one little burning mass of rock can bring back so many memories.

Time has spread my two best friends half way around the world. Others I haven't spoken to in years and don't even know where they are now. Odd how life just moves on when you aren't looking.

It's nice to remember though.

Sleep tight!!

Update On the Pothole Filled Road of My Life

Not sure if I mentioned this, Unemployment denied me because I'm not willing to accept a job that would require my child's primary care giver to be a sitter 9 months out of the year. I'm going to appeal.

The hospital hired me back as resource. We were told I could get hours doing Trauma to get ready for our State review coming up in early July. I worked my ass off, and about half way through they said "no more". I can only work on it while I'm on an ER shift, which I only had two of this month. (I've since picked up 2 more.)

On the flip side, not being a full time, benefited employee, I actually bring home more money. To pay my bills and make rent, I only have to work 6 shifts in a month. That's not too bad. Yeah, that's scraping by, but still... that's getting by.

The school finally came back with their verdict. They found that it is "very likely" that Burp has Asperger's and we designed an IEP, and I got to meet the teacher they're planning to give him next year. She seems pretty cool... and no, that isn't based on the eyebrow ring. (Though, I think that is cool as hell.)

Since I don't have benefits, I was able to get Burp State medical insurance. I forgot to fill his meds until late last night. I ran to the pharmacy an hour before it closed and waited the 20 minutes to get his Concerta... only to find out that the State is refusing to pay for it until the doctor can justify why he needs it. He's been on it for 2 freaking years. Jesus. And, his Zoloft has no refills, but they MIGHT give me one to tide him over for Monday. So..... we're getting a crash course in Burp not having the Concerta. I was planning on trying to cut the dose in half this summer, but not completely take it away. I'm a little "Yikes"... but truly, so far, so good.

So I have a "friend"... It's nothing serious. We talk. We have amazing sex on occasion. (Not as much as I'd like.) We've both agreed that life is simpler being single. But the other night he asked if he could spend the night. He did. Now I think I'm all fucked up in the head. It was nice. It reminded me how much I hate being alone. And again, the sex was amazing.

He has a few serious issues that I could not accept in my life. He would have to deal with them before I could ever have a serious relationship with him. His ex-wife is crazy and lives right across from me, so a relationship would definitely add drama to my life. Drama I don't want, or need.

He's very cute. I like him... but I'm not "in love", nor do I feel the beginnings of those feelings.. I don't think. But I think about him more than I'd like too. I really, really feel the emptiness of my bed now. I feel let down when I hint to him that Burp is gone for the night.... and he doesn't take the bait.

My BFF says that I think about things too much.... But then she's also said that we need to get over our "non-relationship" status and get married and give her a niece. Or something along those lines. LOL. Love you Sandra. Not getting married.... not adding another kid to this fucked up life of mine.

I think I'm just in love with the idea of not being alone anymore. I feel horrible when I analyze this. I don't think it has anything to do with him. The sex is great. He calls me Princess and Babe.... and I miss his warm body next to mine..... but beyond that, I don't know that I feel anything. Is that horrible? It shouldn't be, cuz that's kind of our agreement at this point.... It's kind of not ok that I miss him at all. But then I'm back to... Is it him that I miss?

Graaaaah! This is why being single is better. This is why it's better not to get laid at all.

HOLY CRAP COOKIES! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  

Disgusted!

I had a boyfriend once who threw around the phrase "white trash" all the time. I didn't even realize that I'd picked it up, until my mom threw it back at me one day. Lesson learned.

I have this "friend". She uses the phrase often when talking about another friend of mine and her children. She won't let her son play with them and she wrinkles her nose when she talks about them. For the most part, I let it go. It does cause problems because my son plays with the "forbidden" kids every day, and her son whines about not being able to play... but I don't allow ditching one friend for another. Though I feel bad for the kid, it makes it a bit easier for me because I no longer have to force other kids to play with him. (He whines and cries if he doesn't get enough attention or if things don't go the way he wants and being that he looks older than he is or acts, the other kids often don't know how to deal with him.) Our boys play well one on one, but her son just doesn't do well in groups.

My "friends" don't have to be friends and I don't have to agree with her. Sure the "white trash" family has it's issues. But the kids are sweet kids and mom tries her best to be a good mom. You do the best with what you've got. The name-caller friend, truthfully, should look in the mirror before she starts pointing fingers.

So today, I got devastating news from the so-called white trash friend. The eye doctor thinks her 7-year old daughter has a brain tumor. Mom is scared. She won't know anything more until Friday when the daughter has an MRI. I comforted and was supportive, and when she went home - I bawled. Looking for my own shoulder to cry on, I went to the name-caller friend.
I told her.
Her response? "That sucks.... So I think I found a sugar daddy. He's older, but he's black so he doesn't look it. We're negotiating $500 a month for one visit a week."
I was stunned. I mean, yeah... she ALWAYS tells me about her different conquests, and by her own admission, is a slut... but "That sucks" is not quite what I needed to hear.
I fired back, "You're talking about whoring yourself." Yeah... a little judgmental. Normally I would have tried my best to hide my thoughts and stuck with an, "Ohh, really?"
She shrugged, "Yeah, but I'm not going to get that kind of money any where else, and my kid needs braces."


My first thought was, who pays for their kid's braces with their vagina? Quickly followed by, "if it were my kid that possibly had a tumor, is this how you'd respond?" WTF?

Chaos!!!

I don't know if I have ever had such a deep need to blog. Of course my ability is greatly limited due to a loss in internet access at home.

My life is such chaos right now. The last week has been fairly compriable to Hell. There has also been a few shining moments.

Burp received his rank advancement in Cub Scouts and was awarded 8 belt loops. The process of getting him evaluated for Asperger's has begun, though I've recently learned that there is a difference in educational and medical diagnoses. Oh well- one thing at a time. He's started a special social skills class at school which he loves and I've been told is very successful. There are also whispers that once we get this all figured out, he's very likely on a path for Talented And Gifted. WOW!! That one caught me by surprise. I mean, I've always thought he was brilliant in his own way, but I also know parents seem to think more highly of their children than they probably should. LOL!

On the flip-side, work life has been very stressful this last week. Last Friday we were told their would be a special meeting for ED Unit Secretaries and Paramedics on Tuesday. Things at work have been slow. We've been flexing and sending people home early, so I knew this wasn't good. I had four days to stress. Tuesday we found out that they would be cutting from 6 unit secretaries, down to 4. Unfortunately, I'm number 5 on the totem pole.

There are a lot of maybes and what-if to account for. There is a chance that someone with seniority above me will not take a shift because it doesn't work with their schedule. If all the shifts are taken, I have the choice to collect a severance package, or bump someone in another department that I have seniority over.

I fall into the 4 to 6 years of employment so the severance package isn't that wonderful. Four weeks of base-pay, plus cash out my PTO at 100%, recall rights for a year, unemployment, and if I am recalled- I get to keep my severance pay. Nothing that makes you go WOW! but I have never heard of a non-management position being offered severance. So no looking the gift horse in the mouth here!! Another thing to keep in mind is that there is currently a government program that pays 65% of COBRA. For me that difference is over $600. Instead of the $937 per month it would cost me to keep insurance, it would only cost me $326. That program expires at the end of March. After that, no deal.

The other option is bumping. Really, this makes me want to vomit. This causes a huge battle between morality and ethics and survival of the fittest. If I am not offered an ED shift, I can go to HR and they will give a list of all Unit Secretary positions that are currently held by people whom I have seniority over. I can pick one and bump that person out of their shift. In turn, they can do the same thing- causing a huge trickle down effect throughout the entire hospital. I hate knowing that what I choose to do can effect the lives of countless others. Unfortunately, the truth of it all is that there is no way I can go without insurance for Burp. His medical bills would cost me over $1000 a month without insurance. *sigh* What to do?

A friend told me the other day, “You're too nice and ethical and by the book. That's why you don't get anywhere in life. You have to cheat and break the rules to succeed.” WOW.... True maybe, but I can look myself in the mirror and be happy with the kind of person I am.

To me, I'm heart-broken by all of this because I LOVE MY JOB!!! I LOVE THE COMPANY I WORK FOR!!! I (mostly) LOVE THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH!! And DAMNIT!!!, I'm damn good at my job. Not everyone can say those things. I think it's pretty damn cool that I can. Sure, I don't make enough money. I struggle. But it's worth it. I could maybe find a job that gives me more hours, but I would rather scrape by and love what I do and know that I work for a company that TRULY puts patient care first, look forward to going to work everyday, and take pride in a job well done. It makes it worth it. And I don't want to lose that.

I'm scared because the ER is the only department that has a NOC Unit Secretary. Working graveyard truly works best with my schedule. As a single parent, I don't miss anything. I sleep while he's at school and am still able to take him to Cub Scouts, Swim, Rockwall, whatever he chooses to do. He needs to do those things. Whether it is just ADHD and Anxiety Disorder and/or Asperger's, he benefits so much from those extra-curricular activities. I can't take them away from him. We spend sooo much extra time on homework. Yes, it's my job to put a roof over his head and food in his bottomless belly, but it's also my job to give him every tool possible to be successful in life. Right now, I have that balance. This is so difficult.

I do have to say, I've had so much support. The few people outside of work that I've told have been astounding. I've really not told that many people because, like.... what do you say? I don't really know anything at this point. I haven't even told my mom. I don't like to not have a plan. I don't like to worry her. I planned to sit down with her on Sunday and ask her advice, unfortunately, Ducky asked me how work was going..... and I don't lie well, so I told him. I hope you understand Mom. I've talked to a few of my close friends from our Cub Scout family, and they've been incredibly supportive. In fact, it's been difficult because we were supposed to re-bid on Thursday but some of the wave-makers at work got the re-bid date moved to Monday so on top of not getting much sleep due to meetings and such, I also got a several phone calls on Thursday asking how the bid went. Though the support helps, it sucks to have to repeat the bad news over and over.

I've planned as much as I can. I've already started inquiring about a job at the Urgent Care that our ER doctors own. I've talked to a few people in case I have to take a day job and need to arrange child care either before or after school for a little bit. I have two lined up. I'm fairly certain if I have to apply for jobs elsewhere that I can walk in there with no less than 20 reference letters. That feels good.

I've gone through the total range of emotions: hopelessness, devastation, fear, panic, frustration, anxiety, stress, you name it- I've felt it! Now I'm coming into a sense of peace. What will be, will be. Everything happens for a reason. This could really suck ass, or it could be a great opportunity. If I do keep an ER position, it's an increase in hours. If I can't, one of the people I could bump is an ICU Unit Secretary and they are required to be monitor techs... I've been requesting that training for over a year now, plus it's a higher pay scale.

I've tried my best to keep my pride and dignity about me. To take everything in stride. I know some where there's a saying about how we deal with adversity tells something about the kind of person we are.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, or talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build'em up with wornout tools;


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And – which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

On a totally different note; today my son told me that he has a school friend whose Dad is serving in Iraq. He had asked his friend if next time he talked to his Dad if he would say “Thank you” to him, for serving our country and protecting us. WOW! I am so proud that at 8 years old he understands that. I was speechless. What a kid.

He told me that he wants to serve his country when he grows up, but that he doesn't want to go into the military because he doesn't want to go to war. So we discussed the different ways you can serve your country. He no longer wants to go into Sports Medicine when he grows up, he now wants to be a K-9 Officer. I'm pretty okay with that.

It's October......

October always seems to be a time of reflection for me. 20 years ago, October changed my life.

Charmin died that October. Bill left that October. My favorite teacher died that  October. That October sucked. It's really easy to go back to such a soul shaking time and wonder how different would I be, how different would life be, if that time had never happened? You can wonder, but never get an answer.

I can say how I changed because of it. Although I still miss Charmin and feel her loss as though she died yesterday, I think I can say that I'm a better person for having known and lost her. To a certain extent, I think I'm better at letting people know that I care about them because I truly realize that tomorrow might never come. I think I let people walk all over me a little more than I should and I tend to repress hurts and angers too much. For awhile, I think I was a nicer person because of her. Unfortunately, I think that I'm falling away from that as it gets harder for me to hide injury and anger. Everything is so close to the surface these days.

As a child, I was mean and hateful. I got a lot of shit from the other kids, first for being a fatty, later for being a bitch. Some how I found a place in the role of bully. Puberty actually calmed it some. Then I became friends with Charmin. She was fun and kind, a true gentle soul. Her favorite song was Nancy Sinatra's “These Boots are Made for Walkin” and she always did this silly butt shaking dance when she sang it. Her favorite movie was The Seventh Sign. She used to make these “cookies” that were really just melted chocolate with anything thrown in them... mostly Cheerios and coconut. The winter before her death, it snowed a lot, and we went sledding down the hill behind her house in heavy duty plastic bags. They didn't hold up very well but we had so much fun. Afterwards she made us hot chocolate and we made ice cream out of snow (it wasn't very good, but it was fun) Her dog, I can't remember his name, used to always wear a red bandanna around his neck. And her older brother and his friends were soooooooo cute and cool. Her big sister scared the shit out of me. Tucker. Her dog's name was Tucker.

In August of '89 she joined my family on a camping trip to Idaho. She'd never been out of Oregon before... little did we know this would be her only trip out of state. She and I rode all the way to Idaho in the back of the truck with the dogs. We sang and listened to music, drew silly faces on each other with Easy Cheese, and when we got really bored, we painted the  dogs toenails candy apple red. Wow was Bill mad. He freaked out and told us to take it off, but all that did was make Smoke's entire paws bright pink. (Smoke was a white boxer)
At one point Charm and I rowed out into the lake on the raft, but a wind kicked up and we couldn't make it back. I hopped in the water and towed her back in the raft. (Not that I would ever admit it, but damn I was pooped when I got back to shore.) I remember the two of us sitting next to each other, feet in the water, giggling as the minnows ate the scabs from our mosquito bites. We flirted with the boys a few sites over, I choked on orange soda while laughing and it came out my nose. I was so mortally embarrassed.

It was a good trip with good memories. Unfortunately, some where along the way my hormones and teen angst kicked in. I got a little bent that she was allowed private time, and I wasn't... Although, really... now looking back, I can't see that I really wanted private time.. I think it was more that I was upset she didn't want to hang with me in those brief moments. I got irritated because she always wanted to do every thing. I'm fat and lazy. I didn't want to hike to ANOTHER waterfall. Twenty years later, who knows what my mom really said, but I heard "Why can't you be more like Charmin?" So I came back from vacation a little bitter.
Back at home, Charm moved up to the high school and we didn't really see each other as I was still only an eighth grader. Then one day Bill walked out of the room to make a phone call and came back in to say, "Charmin's dead."
................................................ I can't remember much of the months that followed but ohhhhh my god, I can replay that moment over and over in my head. The shock, panic, disbelief. Hysteria. I remember begging him to call back. It couldn't be true. Please, just call back.

Those are moments that change us forever.

I regret that I was such a snot. I hope she knew how special she is to me.
I regret that during her service I couldn't stand up and say it.
I regret that I couldn't be there for her mom. That's a huge guilt. Rationale tells me I was only 13 and having my own issues with coping, but I know that's something Charm would have wanted.
I regret that I wasn't more eager to do those hikes, those are memories I don't have anymore.

To this day, I refuse to use Charmin toilet paper. All my friends know it and respect it.

Most of that year is a blur to me, but I do remember Mrs. Robles standing during Charmin's memorial service and what she said has become a mantra to my life.

"No one is ever truly gone until no one remembers them any longer."

I remember.

Talk Thursday: The Fabric of Connection

Sometimes the weave is not as strong as you think, sometimes it's stronger.

I have three best friends. Thank the gods my mom is my mom. I count her as one of my best friends, and she really can't ditch me. Life has taken the other two to the ends of the earth, but the weave is still strong.

Chole is in Alaska, I got to see her for a couple of hours in June, not nearly long enough, because her mom is also one of her best friends, and a time hog. Tandy moved to Australia in the name of love.

Tandy just visited and was here for two months. I took her back to the airport yesterday... some crap about missing her husband and all that. We did nothing special during her stay. Money was an issue, so really we just spent most of the time hanging out and basically living like the old days when she was my roommate... Except she didn't sleep all day (I did, due to working graveyard). She worked with Ben to earn Cub Scout beltloops and saved my butt one night when one of my den leaders had a family emergency. She helped him find a "like"  for math again (cuz no one really loves math- that's just crazy talk)

We argue a lot. I'm way more patriotic than she is, which is not at all. We tend to listen to different kinds of music. We have different views on society, and raising children, and government. At one point during her visit, we were arguing and she said something about Hawaii not wanting to be part of the United States anymore. And I, just to piss her off, said "Well if I were president, I say everyone  who doesn't want to be in the US anymore, raise your hand- Then I'd shoot them all between the eyes, because that's treason." She looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind, "How very communistic of you, Psam."  And then I spent 15 minutes justifying my ridiculous response. Another twenty, and everything was fine- like it never happened and it was never again mentioned that I'd suggested the government wipe out Hawaii.

So now she's gone. I miss her terribly. It's hard, knowing that I'll probably not see her for another 2 or 3 years. We'll talk on line, and the occasional phone call. She's not gone, gone. But who's going to go to the porn store with me and tell me which ones are good or a waste of money and horribly embarrass me? No one else suprises me with Dutch Bros in bed. Who's going to sing songs from Buffy's "Once More with Feeling" episode, or "The Hero of Canton" from Firefly?? (Chole, but she's in Alaska)

Tandy is my crazy friend. She can be abrasive, childish, and weird, and thrives on alienating people.
Chole is my friend that I can have deep, mind bending conversations with about religion, politics, science, or the paranormal.
The three of us together is a guaranteed mind bending, soul shaking, insane experience.

I miss my friends, but I've discovered something interesting. Those friends that I had growing up, that I thought would be my friends for life, and aren't... I miss those friendships, but I don't feel a loss and never really did. Tandy and Chole will definitely be my friends forever. I miss them constantly. They are so in tuned, so interwoven into what makes me who I am that I truly fell as though a piece of me is missing. In some bizarre, nonsexual way, I feel that they are my soul mates. In the words of Burp, "Life isn't as cool or fun without them."

Love you guys.

~Ohhhh Tandy took some fab, ego boosting pics of me while she was here. I'll share the one that prob won't melt my mom's brain. (LOL her comment when she saw them, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??) (May I point out that you were about my age when you had yours done?)