Talk Thusday: REgressions

I've been struggling with Progressions... I don't feel very progressive these days.

The fact is... I was horribly mistaken about the extent of my relationship with the Plumber. Apparently, we are just really good friends who were briefly more affectionate than is normal. And I made assumptions. I made (I think, understandably) assumptions based on miss-intendedly misleading words and actions. That doesn't mean I wasn't heartbroken. Or embarrassed. Or a little shamed.

By nature, I am slow to trust. I am slow to open myself up to others in a way that gives them the opportunity to hurt me. Usually, I'm a fortress. That doesn't mean that I'm not affectionate with the people in my life... it just means I'm distrustful and not quick to let in newbies. I've always been that way to a certain extent. As a child, it was safer to kick someone's ass than let them see their words hurt me. It's hard to cry when you're throwing punches. Sometimes growing up sucks.. I wish it were socially acceptable for me to just kick the shit out of someone when I'm upset... somehow I know that would make me feel better. (Ok, not really... but kinda) With the Plumber, I tried to throw caution to the wind. Tried to break out of my old ways and fears and self defenses. Now I find myself wondering why.

Those things are there for a reason.

I know everyone has that little "voice in their head". Not in a schizophrenic way, just that voice... Mine speaks to me with my mother's voice.

It keeps saying, "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.."

Why don't I listen to my mom more?

Nothing happened. We didn't fight. Just one day it was different. He says that he needs to focus on his kid and his career and he can't worry about the other things right now. He doesn't say that there won't be a "someday, down the road", but I don't ask either. He doesn't say that he doesn't feel that way about me, but again, I don't ask. He tells me I'm his best friend. That's something. Things have been a little awkward. He feels horrible for hurting me, I feel like an ass for letting myself get hurt.

I don't point out that in the little over a month he's lived with me that he's gotten his license back, paid off his fines, gotten a job, gone back to college, and that he now has his son 50% of the time.... Pointing that out seems pathetic and desperate and argumentative. It doesn't matter what his excuse is..If he doesn't want to "be with" me, then what's the point of showing him that with me he's achieved all that?

He's just as damaged as I am. Maybe a little more so. He doesn't communicate his emotions any better than I do. We're both pretty fucked up. He tries to talk to me, but his meaning is as clear as mud. I try to talk to him, but the words don't come out. So now we just pretend it isn't there.

We still have fun. I love being around him. I just wish things were still the way they were a few weeks ago.

I don't know if it's stress or the fact that it's hard to remember to take your birth control when you're not having sex... but I've had my period twice this month. I feel like my uterus is weeping for my broken heart.

I've never met anyone so perfect for me. We're enough alike to always be entertained, but different enough to never get boring. We're so sexually compatible that it scares me I'll never find that again. Good sex is still good, but when it's great... Ohhh my god, it's amazing.

I don't know where I am... I'm this big ball of confused disillusionment, self-pity, dysfunctional wanting, and bitterness. But, as we all know,

This too shall pass.

Lucifer Drama

I realize that you all might be sick of hearing about this already, but blogging has long been a source of therapy for me. It helps me to get it off my chest, gives me the sense that I've said my piece, and often helps me work out my frustrations.

So rewind to Saturday.
The Plumber worked in the morning and had the expectation that he would get Gemini in the afternoon. When afternoon came, Lucifer was being a snatch and after several nasty text back and forth, the Plumber said, "Have it your way, you must enjoy talking to the police."

After about 15 minutes of silence, she said he could go pick up Gemini. We had a great evening of Chinese food and rented movies. The next morning Gemini went to work with his Dad and not long after they returned, I left to go pick up Burp in Florence.

About an hour into my drive, I got a nasty text from Lucifer... "I told you to stay out of my way. If you think he's ever going to love you.. hahaha that's funny cuz he still hasn't gotten over me!"

I had pulled over to read the text and was like...... "WTF?" I sat there for a moment... Trying to figure out what the hell she meant. I texted the Plumber.. His response was, "she's being a bitch, ignore her.."

I drove on to my mom's house.... but of course, the closer I got to the house, the more angry I got. First, "I told you to stay out of my way"???? I'm not sure where or when she imagined that conversation took place. But mostly, I was angry that what ever argument she and the Plumber had gotten into, she felt the need to drag me into it. We had made that agreement. As far as he and Lucifer were concerned, I'd stay out of it... and she'd stay out of my relationship with the Plumber. Seemed fair to me.

I got to my mom's house and no one was home... I let myself in, went through the house to the porch, sat and smoked and stewed and contemplated.
Finally, I texted her back.
"I'm not sure what you imagine I've done to "get in your way", but I'm not playing your games." Not too bad.. No threats. No swearing. Plain and simple and firm. No way in hell I'm starting this relationship with letting her think she can push me around and send me shitty texts whenever she gets a bee up her snatch.
Her response.... "Don't talk to me."

I'm not sure why...... other than the fact that her response was completely juvenile, but this sent me into a near-psychotic rage. My mom came home at this point. And I was shaking with rage. I'm not sure, but I think it's been a long time since my mom has seen me that mad.

I controlled myself though. As badly as I wanted to text her back and set her straight. I didn't. I didn't say a word.

I got home and found out that she'd apparently only seen that "Hope you like talking to the police" comment that afternoon and, for whatever reason, thought that was my influence. Sure, I've thought it a million times, but never said it.... as it wasn't my place....I don't offer my opinion unless asked, and he never asked what I thought he should do if she denied him his visitation.

The next day, he had a decent conversation with her. She told him that she'd said some really mean things to me and kinda felt bad. Yay for her.

So fast forward to last night. Around 9 pm he gets a call from her that she has no where to stay, and she wants him to take Gemini, but he'll have to drive him to school in the morning. Only HIM.
The Plumber was like, "I can't do that, I have to work." She swore and hung up on him.

I would have been more than happy to not only have Gemini for the night, but to take him to school in the morning, but I told the Plumber if she called back.. he could offer her two solutions..... 1) Gemini could spend the night and I'd drive him to school in the morning.. or 2) Gemini could spend the night and she could sleep in her car in the parking lot and SHE could take him to school in the morning.

It's only fair and rational to give her options.

Unfortunately, she never called back. When the Plumber tried to call her, it rang once and she hung it up.

I'd much prefer to have Gemini here than wonder if he did his homework, if he had dinner, where he slept for the night, and whether or not he had clean clothes for school in the morning.

As much as she hates me... for whatever reason... shouldn't making sure her son is taken care of come first? How selfish can you be?

HAHAHAHA

Well, I know how she found out about the phone call. Mouse's husband blabbed when Lucifer made a comment about the Plumber not even calling Gemini on his first day of 6th grade. (I called that one didn't I?) Nevermind that she'd conveniently LOST her phone and when he did try to call it, it went straight to voicemail..... AND THE MAILBOX WAS FULL!!

Did I mention that she forgot to pick Gemini up at the bus stop on his first day... And that she was in bed until almost 6 pm and he was locked out and had to go to his Aunt's house?

So I told Mouse the gist of our conversation and asked her what was really being said... She's saying, "I control Plumber's life."

hmmmmmmm she does huh?? This girl has no fucking clue.
I'm seeing an exorcism in the near future.

An Interesting Occurance....

Hmmmm... I might have to take back some of the things I said about Lucifer.

Tonight, while Burp and I were having dinner, there was a knock on the door. It was Lucifer.

I was pretty surprised. We actually had a fairly decent conversation. She claimed to not have a problem with me and I told her that her issues were between her and the Plumber and none of my business. She actually said that she thought I might be good for him and that he'd only ever had one other girlfriend that she trusted with her son. She claimed to think I'm a good mom. She just requested that before I ever let Gemini use my phone again to call his dad, that I ask her first (a little ridiculous, I think) and that if he's ever left with me, she'd like to know (totally reasonable, in my book). She claimed that she's never tried to keep the Plumber from seeing Gemini, which I know is completely untrue..... Not just cuz I've been told so, but because I've been around this for a year now and have been witness to Gemini's great disappearances (when she gets mad at the Plumber and sends Gemini to her mom's house for a few weeks..) But I didn't argue. She said that she thought it best for the kids if her and I could get along... which I totally agree with... but we'll see if she means it...

She even tried really hard not to trash talk the Plumber to me. I have to give credit when credit's due... So maybe I'll take back "cunt" and maybe even what I offered to substitute it with. I'm very glad she came and talked to me. I've wanted to go talk to her, but after her referring to me as "fat bitch", I didn't feel very welcomed.. and also very much questioned whether it was my place to go talk to her... I really appreciate that she made the effort.

But I'm also no fool. Lucifer is known to be fairly bipolar-ish... so even IF she meant it all today, tomorrow's a different story. And I'm guessing at least half was probably lip service... I just haven't figured out her motive yet. Perhaps logic was her friend for the moment.

While I don't trust her as far as I can spit, the white flag is raised.... For now.

Brownie Badge For Me!!

Lucifer doesn't seem to realize, everything she does... just makes me look that much better. Not that I do anything any different than I normally would... I'm just a naturally wonderful person, and she is .... well, E-VIL.

It's hard for me to imagine a mom and a wife that doesn't cook dinners. The Plumber and I didn't see eye to eye one night when I'd cooked dinner and he tried to make me dish up before he did. I tried nicely to tell him, "That's not how we do it." He tried to say it was. I finally won when I threatened to call my mother so she could back me up on it. Then he explained that he was just trying to be polite and that he wasn't used to being taken care of... that Lucifer had surely never cooked dinner for him.... I was like, holy crap!

I did laundry the other day. He said, "don't fold my laundry" some crap about me not being his servant. When he came home, he was like, "You folded it, huh?"
"uhhhhhhhhh, yeah... but.. BUT I didn't mate your socks! So there!" hehehe

Last night he was really bummed. He is out of town on a job and won't be back until maybe late tonight or midday tomorrow. Yesterday was Gemini's first day of Middle School and he really wanted to talk to him, but Lucifer hasn't been letting him see or talk to him since the night they showed up on my front porch. I told him it was better to try, and have her be a bitch, than not and have her be able to say he didn't try. So he tried, but her phone went straight to voice mail. He was really upset. I saw Gemini outside playing, so I snuck around the back of the building, called him over, and got him on the phone with his dad. They had a good 20 minute long convo and both were happy.

Except that the Plumber found out that when he gave Lucifer the receipt for the new shoes he bought Gemini, she returned them and bought herself some shoes. Fucked up, totally.. but his grandma bought him shoes so he does have new shoes for school. To calm the Plumber down, I told him he just had to think of it differently. To just consider that her mom bought her new shoes and everything is all good... but really, we all know, the boy should have then had TWO new pairs of shoes and FUCK THAT BITCH!!!

I can say that here, cuz I don't say it out loud... and I really want to!!!
FUCK THAT BITCH!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT SELF-SERVING, PIECE OF SHIT, TRIPLE CHEESEBURGER NEEDIN', WELFARE DRAINING, CHILD SUPPORT SNORTING, TWEEKER CUNT WHO'S MOTHER HAS HER KIDS 80% OF THE TIME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT THEM BUT SHE WON'T LET THEIR FATHERS HAVE THEM EITHER!!!

ok... I'm done... thank you.. pasting the smile back on... swallowing the rage. Just had to get that off my chest.

.....Summer Has Come and Past...

It's been a good summer, for the most part.

There has been a bit of drama... The Plumber's sister is one of my best friends, and there is currently major tension between her husband and the Plumber.... to the point that there were several times a fist fight was only narrowly avoided. This has affected my ability to hang out with my friend, and Burp's ability to hang out with his friends... but I'm just hopeful that this will blow over and everything will be...... functional again.

The Plumber's ex-wife, who will evermore be referred to as Lucifer (because that is truly what the Plumber calls her) is not happy that he is now living with me. Did I mention that she lives directly across from me? She sits outside her front door to smoke and looks down into my apartment, so we now leave the front curtains closed 24-7. Apparently, the other day while I was at work, she screamed across the parking lot, "Have fun fucking your fat bitch!" The Plumber was livid... and doesn't seem to understand that I'm only upset that she called me a bitch, as I've never been anything but polite and respectful to her. Perhaps it was that we've been around each other many times at his sister's house, when she's been trash talking him, and I never said a word.. (Cuz it's none of my damned business!) Maybe it's the fact that when all Hell broke loose at the sister's house, and the Plumber showed up on my doorstep with his crying son, and I brought them in, fed Gemini, and put him to bed in Burp's room, and she came to pick him up - she didn't expect that the Plumber was asleep in my bed. It was hard to miss the shock as her bottom jaw bounced off the floor. Regardless, I'm not in denial... the fat part is obvious... but if she wants to call me a bitch- hell, I can act the part! Generally, I'm as sweet as pie... but if that little anorexic, strung-out,  2 dollar gutter slut wants to throw down, she's messing with the wrong "bitch"!

No- that doesn't mean I'm going to go looking for a fight, but if she brings it to my door- she'll only do it once.

But anyway.... Other than the bits of drama surrounding us, life with the Plumber is fab-u-lous! I'm a little bummed because he'll be working out of town for the next few days, and I'm not entirely sure when he'll be home... but, I also got a call to work tonight... so it'll even out some.

On another note...

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Where did the days go? Burp starts the 4th grade. Damn how time flies. It will be interesting to see what happens now that Burp has an IEP... There are things that I don't agree with in this school. There is no homework until October, as they want the kids to feel situated before they start homework, and when they do- it isn't nearly enough. One page, each, front and back of math and writing per week doesn't cut it in my world. This causes fights at home because I create more homework and Burp feels like he's getting the shit-end of the stick... Will he thank me for it someday? Probably not!

The one thing with this school that I do appreciate is how on top of things they are with his "issues". That has been a huge relief.

So here's to a great school year!
Cheers!

My New Favorite Thing...

My new favorite thing.... snuggling in the morning with the Plumber.. Burps new favorite thing?? Beginning at 5 am, starting softly, a continuous knockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknock!!! Until I rip open the door for him to inform me that he's hungry. I remind him that he's 9... If you're hungry get something to eat. I tell him a list of things he can eat. I tell him, "I'll be up at 8, leave me alone." And he whines, "I just want a hug!" I hug him and send him on his way.

I climb back in bed and get snuggled up. 
And a half hour later, we do it again.

This time I ask him if he'd like his hands broken?
He gives me a hug.

I climb back in bed and get snuggled up.
And a half hour later, we do it again.

This time I tell him I'm going to sell him on eBay.
He tells me he loves me and needs a hug.

I climb back in bed and get snuggled up.
And GUESS WHAT??? A half hour later...... we do it AGAIN!

 This time I threaten to ground him to his room for the day. To ground him from tv and video games. This time I say, "I love you too, but no, this time you don't get a hug... You can have a hug, when I wake up at 8!"

I climb back in bed, and a half hour later... I don't even say anything, I stomp into the kitchen and I start the coffee pot. I growl and rumble at him. He chatters and talks all excited about some tv show we've both seen a million times and I try, politely, to ask him to leave me alone for a few minutes until I've had coffee. He leaves the kitchen for all of.... ohhh three minutes, and comes back more hyper than ever... and I banish him to his room for 15 minutes..... which is really only good for about 5.

I think I need to find some articles about the horrible things some horrible mothers do to their children and strategically place them around my house so he can see proof that I don't HAVE to be so nice about things. But in truth, that would probably backfire and make him even more determined to have continuous confirmation of my absolute adoration of him. The little brat!


.............. I suppose I can't end it like that. I do love him... but who wants to wake up like that? He's like a cracked out Chihuahua pumped full of Mountian Dew, a little less shaky.