Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wish One Down!!!

At work every year we have a rotating holiday schedule. One year I have Thanksgiving and New Years off, the next year Iget Christmas off. Because I work graveyard, my holiday is actually the night leading into the holiday. So not Christmas night, but Christmas Eve night.

This year is my year to get Christmas off, which is great because I'd rather be at my mom's on Christmas Eve as it's too hard to work the night before, drive an hour and a half to my mom's, enjoy the day, sleep at some point, and  then drive back for my shift that night. It can be done, but I hate it. My normal weekly shift begins on Wednesday and I have every other weekend off. This is my weekend off and I was planning to go to my mom's for the weekend, but I would have had to go back to work for Wednesday night, have Thursday at my mom's, and be back to work Friday night.

My counter part (there are only one of us on shift at a time, 3 shifts a day- so only 6 of us total) has offered to work my Wednesday shift so I don't have to go home until CHRISTMAS NIGHT!...

My Christmas wish was a week at my mom's and enough money to buy the gifts I wanted for family and friends. I'm sure someone with a big check will knock on my door any minute! lol

Merry Christmas!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

11 Pipers Piping

Last night Burp and I spent the evening some very good friends of ours in the car, sipping cocoa (or mocha), eating cookies and driving around looking at Christmas lights. Usually I burn us a cd of Christmas songs, but this year I just didn't get that far. Not long into the fun, I was quite excited because the station we were listening to played my fav. bands back to back- Weezer and Green Day, Burp however didn't feel this was Christmasy enough. He demanded we sing Christmas carols.......

Apparently, it has been many years since I sang carols.

He doesn't pick an easy song like Rudolph, or Frosty, or even Santa Claus is Coming to Town...... No, he picks the 12 Days of Christmas. We made it through the bird section just fine, 5 GOLDEN RINGS!
Beyong that, we were screwed.

Ty: I think it's 6 Swans a laying
Me:  Hell, I thought it was swimming.
Ty: That's it.... 6 Swans a swimming!
Me: Ok, What's 7?
Ty: Uhhhhhhh
Me: Where are the Milking Maids?
Ty: Is it 7 Lords Leaping?
Me: 8 Maids a Milking, 7 Swans a Swimming, 6 Geese a Laying...
Burp: 9 Ladies Dancing!
Me: You're just being silly now.
Burp: No the Ladies are next.
Ty: It could be...
Me: Do you know 12??? We should start backwards.
Ty: I have no idea what twelve is.

(There is much laughing and bad singing involved in this debate)
Me: ok, I know... (At this point, I grab my phone and start dialing)

ring....... ring.......... HELLO?

Me: MOM!!!! Quick.... what are the gifts of  the 12 days of Christmas?
Mom: Ohhhh geez Psam.... I don't know....Where are you stuck?
Me: 8-9-10-11-12
Mom: Uhhhhhh ....
Ducky in the background...: 10 cows a humping

 Thank you Ducky!
Some people look at me weird when I try to explain how close my mom and I are, even though I commonly might go 3 weeks without talking to her. It's this kind of stuff. (except I usually get an answer) My mom is not thrown off, dismayed, disturbed, or confused by my random anytime of day or night calls.
Me: Mom.... quick, go outside. Look up. Turn west. What's that really bright star kind of to the south, low?
Mom: Psam...... that's not a star... that's...blah blah blah... (see I will obviously make this call again.)
Me: Mom, what was that movie where.......?
Me: Mom, I'm making..... what temperature? How long?
Me: Mom, where do I find that verse where God tells ....?
Me: Mom, Anne Boleyn had six fingers, right?

Thank you for being a cool mom!

For thos of you about to google, or call your own moms....
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Burp was totally right, and we (in very wrong, random order) got all of the gifts except 11 pipers piping.... we never even came close.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Update: Gracie

I just thought I'd pass along a little update.

I saw Gracie the other night at Cub Scouts. She was up walking! She doesn't have full control over her leg but she can get around a bit. I am hopeful that she'll be just fine.

Talk Thursday: Once Upon A Holly Berry

For me, Christmas is all about family and tradition. I can't think of anywhere I would rather be during the holidays than in my mom's kitchen chatting as she stirs something bubbling on the stove with a Kahlua in my hand and Christmas music playing lightly from the other room. I even love that I hate her annoying-as-fuck Christmas clock.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without my mom. There has always been other people around during the holidays, but it's still all about us. (At least in my mind)

When I was in elementary school, mom and I used to paint Christmas scenes on store windows and stuff all around town. I lived for this.. Not because I'm overly artistic (cuz I'm not) but we just had a lot of fun. It was kind of like the kick off to the holiday season.

Every year mom and I would drive an hour to go to the tree farm, walk through and pick out our tree, and chop that sucker down. Hmmmm except for the year we got the live tree. LOL. The tree was actually not bad, but the problem is that you have to figure out what to do with the stupid thing after the decorations are removed. I think ours lived in it's pot for another year then finally found a spot in the front corner of our yard. The tree never grew much. It pitifully stood there for years as a sickly reminder to all those stupid soft hearts out there that sometimes it's kinder to kill the damned tree.

Every year my mom and I would go out to my grandma's and cut holly (see a very weak tie-in to the topic) and cedar and mom would decorate around the windows with them and lights and it looked so wonderful and Christmasy.

As I got older, we became bakers- breads and cookies and candies and liquor. Truth be told, this is probably where my love for cooking comes from and though I'm a wiz in the kitchen, my first passion is baking. We made pumpkin bread and apricot-cranberry bread, sugar cookies, gingerbread bears (cuz men are just too passé), peanut butter balls, chocolate covered cherries, and toffee, and mom makes Kahlua. And the cherries... OMG... lemme tell you about the cherries. Mom would go around February and get a big ass gallon jar of maraschino cherries. She'd drain out most of the liquid and top it off with brandy and let it sit for the next ten months. BOY HOWDY. Like ten and you were trashed. As I got a little older, I discovered that the cherry flavored brandy tasted great in a coke.... or a slurpee. There were a few Christmases toward the end of high school that I was a little suprised there was still brandy in the jar come December.

Growing up, Christmas wasn't a holiday, it was a season that usually started the weekend after Thanksgiving and, if we were lucky, we were able to stretch it until right before our birthdays in February. I hate that I live in a different town and Christmas with my mom has pretty much been reduced to 1 day, maybe 2. I hate that I haven't given Burp a sense of those traditions. We kind of have one.. We usually invite some friends and go to Dutch Bros and get something warm to drink and stop and buy some cookies and drive around listening to Christmas music and look at Christmas lights. It's fun and he always looks forward to it. He also looks forward to doing the surprise stocking stuffer with grandma. And crazy Christmas socks. HE LOVES THEM!!

My very favorite part of Christmas is looking for the perfect gift for each person. I love it. (I wish I could be a professional shopper... I could get into that) If I could have a Christmas wish granted, it would be a whole week at my mom's for Christmas, and enough money to buy what I really wanted for people.

Regardless, I love Christmas..... as much as I try to pretend it isn't coming this year.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

House panel passes college football playoff bill

Read the ESPN article -->> "House panel passes college football playoff bill"

                                                  Posted using ShareThis

 It's about time Congress got to the things that really matter!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

OMG It's COLD!!!!

18 degrees out... The only time I've been warm in the last few days, has been in the shower.

"!8 feels like 9" What the hell? Can you really tell that 9 degrees feels that much colder than 18? It's all fucking cold!!

I need an electric blanket...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Talk Thursday: We Are Glass

I spent most of this week pretty depressed and when I first saw this topic I saw my life as little shards of glass and was at a total loss as to how to put them back together. I usually have an "Everything will work out" attitude and I spend so much of my life pretending that everything is ok that when something big comes along that I can't ignore, it devastates me. Everything comes crashing down around me..... That is where I've been all week.

I was going to try a poem. I haven't written one in soooo long. I had a few lines jotted down... It was so emo. (I hate to admit it, but my poetry was emo before emo was emo! I may have invented emo)

Two things... sometimes the simplest things help ground you. I talked to my parents... They're so wonderful. And a really good friend found me after 10 years of lost contact. It warms the heart a bit to find out that someone spent the last 3 days setting up myspace and facebook and all sorts of accounts- just trying to find you... (That's why I never gave up the Psam name... in hope that my old chat friends would find me.) I am so happy to have a chance to have Kris in my life again.

Thinking of Kris made me think of my life 10 years ago. What a mess I'd made of things. I was 23, living in a fucked up situation in Canada, a million miles from my mom.... hmmmmm then I thought to 10 years before that.... 13... Yeah, I've already established that my life was a wreck at 13.... a pattern? I went back another 10 years... I was 3, my mom had just left my dad and all of our belongings in Germany and come back home to my Grandma and Grandpa to start over...... yes.. I think there's a pattern.

And not once was I broken beyond repair. I am not glass.


Glass doesn't heal. Glass can't really be fixed. Glass is thrown out and replaced. And yes, I have been broken many, many times, little cracks or chips and big, huge gaping wounds, but I have never been broken beyond repair. I mend, I heal, I pick myself up and dust myself off, and I overcome.

I refuse to be glass.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Another Thanksgiving Post

I used to have a reoccurring dream every Thanksgiving, for a week or two every year.

It always started with a picnic in the woods- me, Mom, and Asshole. Suddenly we're being chased through the forest by Indians with tomahawks and arrows whizzing past our heads. I'm weaving between trees and suddenly realize that my mom and Asshole aren't around. Fearing the worst, I keep running and come out into a circular clearing lined with painted, spear jabbing savages. I look over to a fire spit and see Asshole roasting above the flames. I panic and look around for my mom, and she is in the center of a crowd being crowned their Indian Princess. She smiles.

Knowing that she's ok, I turn and run away. Soon the forest ends and I come out of the woods and into the sand dunes above our house. I run down the hill and go home. When I open the front door, everything is where it should be, but everything is white on white. It's weird, but I'm so thirsty and hungry- so I go to the fridge and opening it find 3 beers and 2 pepperoni sticks. Knowing I can't have a beer and that the pepperonis will just make me thirstier, I close the fridge and when the light goes out I wake up.

I had this dream over and over for years... oddly, I only had it once after the split up......

OMG, I owe you a Thanksgiving Story!!!

I almost forgot! I promised a story!

So my mom and Ex #2(I'm just going to call him Asshole, hope you don't mind) split up Oct '89 (the worst October ever) and Asshole made a pretense of wanting to stay friends with my mom and dadly to me. So odd as it sounds, we spent the Thanksgiving after their breakup at his mom's house, one big happy family.

At some point the "adults" were talking about "getting caught" by the kids, and my mom and Asshole started getting cocky, that they'd never been caught.....

It was probably a year earlier, so I was about 12, and it was roughly 3 in the morning. I had stayed up late finishing a book and was just about to turn out my lamp when I heard something go bump in the night.....

When I was younger, I was afraid of everything. At night, I would squeeze my eyes shut so tightly that when I opened them and tried to see in the dark, I'd see spots. My spots took the shape of hands with knives and guns. I was so certain that someone was going to break in at night to try to kill me, that I'd put pillows under the covers and sleep in the crack between the mattress and the wall or  under my bed.

At some point I got tired of always being scared, so I decided to scare the scare right out of me. When I walked in the dark I'd hum the Freddy songs until I thought my heart would beat right out of my chest. I would convince myself that there was someone walking right behind me but I wouldn't let myself turn around to look and I wouldn't let myself run. I memorized every inch of my house in the dark. I would walk with my eyes closed and count my steps until I'd embedded a map in my head. If something were to happen, I was going to be prepared.

So at 3 am, I heard something go bump in the night... And I was ready. I turned out my light, grabbed my gun and slipped off the safety. I stood next to the door listening as I waited for my eyes to adjust to the dark. When the night blindness wore off, I eased open my door an inch or two and stopped to listen. I could still here random bumps and thumps. I eased my door open and avoiding the squeeky board in the hall, stepped out of my room.

I heard the bump again. It was definitely coming from my mom's room. I knew she had Asshole in there with her, but I guess my trust of him was already wearing off because it never occurred to me that he would protect her. I knew she had a gun in there, but I didn't know where. If someone had come through her window, would she be able to get the gun before he could stop her?

I tightened my grip on my gun and eased closer to their bedroom door. More bumps. At this point I was fairly certain that my ears were going to explode with the throbbing pressure of blood pounding through my head.

I slowly reached for the door knob.

"Ohhhh Willy!" rang loudly from the other side of the door and I froze in panic. Hot with embarrassment, I quietly retraced the steps
to my room and silently closed the door behind me. Shaking, I engaged the safety and put my gun away. Then I promptly sat down on my bed a snickered myself to tears.

I probably would have taken that night to the grave with me if it hadden't been for that Thanksgiving and it's bragging adults.

I don't like to be bested!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Random Meme

Whaaa??? I'm it???? Ok!

1. What is your occupation right now?   Emergency Department Unit Secretary
2. What color are your socks right now?   No socks
3. What are you listening to right now?   Dr Bowers dictate
4. What was the last thing you ate?     Fish 'n Chips
5. Can you drive a stick shift?   I can !!! hahahaha
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?   Personal call? My mom.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?   Duh!
8. How old are you today? 33
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?   Oregon Duck Football
10. What is your favorite drink?   CoffeeCoffeeCoffee
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? OMG and my roots are soooooo bad
12. Favorite food?    ummmmmm chocolate???
13. What is the last movie you watched?  DVD ?The new Transformers... it was good.. In the theater ? 2012... I liked it.. but mom don't go see it. You'll bitch through the whole thing.
14. Favorite day of the year?    ummmm should I have one?
15. How do you vent anger?   I get mad and cry!
16. What was your favorite toy as a child?    Fire!!! hahaha. ummmm gosh, depends on the age.
17. What is your favorite season? winter, spring, fall.................. I HATE SUMMER!
18. Cherries or Blueberries?   RASPBERRIES
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? NO, Blog away
20. Who is the most likely to respond? Tandy
21. Who is least likely to respond? ?????
22. Living arrangement?  What the hell is this? The left side of my is always available if that's what you're asking.
23. When was the last time you cried?    Holy crap. Seriously. I cry all the time. Daily. So gods only know.
24. What is on the floor of your closet? Why are you asking? who have you been talking too? I DIDN'T DO IT! ...................... boxes
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Umm, Shit!  I have to tag people?   Tandy
26. What did you do last night?    Worked.
27. What are you most afraid of?   Nothing.... That's not true. Very little. Nothing material, and we don't talk about them, to acknowledge your fears gives them life.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Chedder with bacon please
29. What is your favorite kind of dog? Slovensky Cuvac
30. What is your favorite day of the week?  ummmm Saturday? GO DUCKS!!
31. How many states have you lived in? 1 - Oregon ... and 1 Province - Ontario...
32. Diamonds or pearls? hmmmmm blue diamonds
33. What is your favorite flower? Lilies
34. What are your favorite two movies of all time? Dogma and The Gladiator.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Character and Storyline Abuse

I have sooooo had it! Don't get me wrong, I am the queen of sequels. I never want the story to end. But I want something new! If you're going to go back and tell an old story, stay true to the story. And OMG if you have to "remake" a movie, have fucking reason for it!

Batman. How many different versions can they show us? They have HOW MANY different comic series and cartoon series to glean characters and plots from? WHY have I seen the birth of The Joker and Two-Face in two very different ways? To me this amounts to fanfic. You aren't creative enough to come up with your own characters, so you take someone else's and create your own little story around them. Frustrating and pathetic. You may argue that these movies were created by different writers, producers, companies, whatever... I don't give a crap.

I was so excited to watch GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra. In itself, it wasn't a bad movie. If you know anything about the original story lines, the changes are insulting.

1. Duke is a code name, there is no way a pre-Joe girlfriend would call him Duke.
2. There is no way said girlfriend ended up being the fucking Baroness. REALLY? Her and Duke NEVER had a relationship. If anything, her and Destro were getting it on. And she was totally not American!
3. Destro didn't become Destro until the end of the movie, after which the Baroness was, what-the-fuck, good. They have been partners in crime since damn near birth!
4. NO WAY IN HELL Cobra Commander was Baroness' brother. Sure the original series never really gave a history to him, but come on, REALLY?
5. Snake Eyes was not Asian. There are several different story lines through various different comic book publishing companies and cartoon series but it remains consistent Snakes Eyes vocal chords suffered irreparable many years before, usually involving a helicopter incident, (One states that he and Storm Shadow served in the Vietnam War together and that he was shot boarding the helo, another states that he rescued Scarlet from a burning helo, etc) and that he didn't take a vow of silence when his Master was killed by Storm Shadow.
6. All versions agree that yes- Storm Shadow and Snakes Eyes were sword brothers, however, he didn't train as a ninja until he was an adult.
7.AND how are you going to kill off Storm Shadow. He actually becomes a Joe for a brief period of time!
8. And Cobra Commander pre-existed if not the formation of the G.I.Joe unit, then at least most of them becoming Joes.. Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlet, etc.

I'll stop. I was just a little disappointed. I don't mind changing story lines. I don't mind adding stuff, or cutting stuff out. I don't even mind if they combined some of the different story lines from different series. But to totally create another history, when there's already a few you can choose from is just annoying! And yes I know they left it open for a sequel. They will probably bring back Storm Shadow and hopefully Flint and Lady Jaye will be in the story, of course it will be revealed that they're Destro's bastard love children who will have incestuously spawned retarded love children of their own.

While I'm in this frame of mind, I really want to touch on another branch of this molestation. Authors. Authors do it to themselves! I have to wonder, do they have such little faith in their readers that they think we don't notice or that we don't mind. I'm not even really talking about when they take a good book and destroy it on film. Though that makes me pretty mad too!

DEAN KOONTZ!!! The best character written in the modern age: Regina from The Hideaway. Lovable, orphaned, 10 year old Regina with the gimpy leg and gnarled hand "THUD! Sccccuuuurrr"ed her way straight into my heart. Three years later, the character was raped and gutted and suddenly Alicia Silverstone portrayed the shallow revamped character. A true travesty. But wait, it gets better. Dean was apparently so heartbroken about the film version of the book, like a phoenix from the fire, nine years later Regina rose from the ashes of The Hideaway as 9 year old Leilani Klonk in "One Door Away From Heaven." Maybe he thought we wouldn't notice or maybe he doesn't think his fans really read ALL of his books, and the way he puts them out these days probably none of us do.

Speaking of kicking a dead horse... Janet Evanovich! I'm calling you out! Stephanie needs a new story line. We're on, what, number 15 or 16 now, plus the Inbetweens, and WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING NEW IN FOR-FUCKING-EVER!!!! She's stale. Get a new idea or STOP WRITING HER! There are only so many ways you can blow up a car. Maybe she should hang out with Jenny T Partridge and maybe she'll absorb some character depth! or at least put a few missionaries in danger. I'm a little bored with the drug dealers and hos and the cheap laughs aren't hardly worth the time.

I'm a bit obsessed when it comes to my books. If I like an author, I have to have them all. To be honest, I haven't bought the last 3 Koontz or 2 Evanovich. Our relationship has lost the passion and I'm breaking up! "Breathless" came out two days ago and I am anything but.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Talk Thursday: Appreciate, Validate, Communicate

I love John Edward, but this topic is a hard one. Sure I could talk about Charmin, but you guys have already walked that walk with me.

*sigh* The blinking cursor doesn't write itself.

I don't know if my mom so much believes that everything happens for a reason, or that she believes reason can be found in everything that happens. I'm not sure if she ever sat me down and said, "Psam, everything happens for a reason.." but I know she would ask me "And what did you learn from that?" Again, I don't know if she ever gave me a lesson on lessons, or just left me with the understanding that if you can walk away from a situation, no matter how horrible, having learned something, then it had purpose. Sometimes the biggest injustice isn't the actual incident but not taking anything away from it. I appreciate this as one of the most important lessons my mom ever gave me.

Through my father and my stepfathers, sisters, brothers, and friends I have learned that true family has nothing to do with blood or marriage but love and involvement. I am blessed with a stepfather who is more than his predecessors combined. I have friends who are more family to me than the siblings that are legally bound to me. I am greatfull and appreciative of those strong bonds, and remorseful for those that aren't what they should be.

In the time of year when sad stories abound, I am so relieved  that I have a good, loving, HEALTHY child. I see the ads for child cancer patients, starving children, abandon, neglected, and abused children and I am filled with relief that mine is home safe and healthy... then I feel guilt over that relief, but oh my gods, I would rather feel that guilt than not.

I am thankful that I live in a country that has standards of fairness. I can say and believe what I want. I have the ability to put food in my child's belly, put clothing on his body, and he has a school to be educated in (albeit a declining education). If I can't afford to do those things, there is more than likely help to be had. I am not blind to our country's problems, but I will never turn on the tv and see orphaned, homeless American children living in shanties with their bellies distended from hunger. That will never be my child.

There is an amazing family that is involved with our new Cub Scout pack. Happy and Kevin have been married for 15 years and until their recent tragedy, they had never spent more than three days apart. They have one biological child and have taken in countless other foster children. They currently have 8 foster and adopted children living in their home.

Last year they adopted several of their foster children, amongst them was then 2 year old Gracie. This October Gracie suffered a stroke. She and Happy have been in Portland at Doernbecher Children's Hospital since then.

Initially Gracie lost the ability to walk and talk. She can now walk some with a walker and is learning sign language. They are hopeful that she will regain most of what she has lost. Rumor has it that Gracie will get to come home on Thanksgiving.

This whole horrible situation has brought out so many examples of heroism. Happy and Kevin could have given up their foster children during this crisis. Instead, Kevin has continued to care for them with the help of their Scouting family. Families stepped up and divvied up the children in the initial scramble to get Gracie help and have continued by helping take kids to appointments, childcare, and whatever else has been needed.

We were able to give a bit of money to help ease their financial burden. There will be fundraisers to help cover costs that insurance won't. Because Gracie was adopted, she doesn't have the state insurance and I have heard that the insurance she does have won't pay for her wheelchair or all of her physical therapy. There are wheelchair ramps to build and endless appointments to keep and it puts joy in my heart to know that they won't do any of this alone.

It's heartbreaking that little 3 year old Gracie is going through this, but I find her new family so inspiring, and I am so proud to be a part of their Scouting family. I have never met Gracie, as we join this pack a week before her stoke, but I think of her and her family constantly.

I think of how differently this could have gone for Gracie. She very easily could have died. How different would this be for her if she hadn't found her way into that foster home? If they didn't have the support of the Scouting community? It makes one aware of the things they want to become, of how blessed I really am, and that if I had to walk in those shoes - I wouldn't have to walk alone.

I hope that your Thanksgiving is as truly blessed as Gracie's.
Peace and love, be with you!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Talk Thursday: Sex and Tattoos

Can I stop at recommending that you not do the two at the same time?

I love tattoos. I have two... The first is a statement toward the stupidity of youth. Over anxious and trusting of a boy with a mickey moused race track controller... Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. Now I look like I have a sock monkey on my ankle.

Sex.... I'm a big fan. I was blessed with a mom I could really talk to. In the first grade all the big kids on the bus gave me the birds and the bees talk, with which I ran home, asked my mom to have a seat, then proceeded to tell her all I'd learned. She was a good sport about it. (I think I'd shit myself) But she simply nodded or shook her head. "Yes, that's true." "Well, no.. that's not exactly true." "Ohhhhh, well... I could see how that might be true."
At about 12 I learned what a blow job was. I might have learned in the first grade... or in the third grade... when Grant used to take me and Shawna into the sandunes and have us read Penthouse to him... (You didn't know about that..... He was a pervert.. but nothing bad happened, I promise.) Anyways... maybe at 12 I rediscovered the concept of a blowjob... which I thought was GROSS. And when I asked mom about the validity of this concept, she confirmed. And when I when I said, "Ewwwww!" she said "Ohhh trust me, some day your opinion will change." At 14 I confirmed that she was right.

I think my mom THINKS she knows when I lost my virginity. You think it was Corey. I remember coming home a little late for dinner. I think I had a smug look, you assumed something had happened... I confirmed. But this was not my first.........

It was less than 2 weeks after my 17th birthday... and I was supposed to be going to the high school for the Varsity double header against Reedsport. Both boys and girls teams were playing that night. And that is why I never confessed, because I lied about going to that game. I DID walk towards school, but before I got there BW pulled up in his Scirocco and asked me if I wanted a ride. (Admittedly, he'd been trying to get a little for years and I had known him since the 2nd grade when we used to play Star Wars on the playground equipment.)

Since we had extra time, we went to the beach- and one thing led to another. And I lost my virginity in the front seat of a Scirocco on the beach. And you MIGHT think that that's horrible... unromantic... SCREW romantic.. It was probably the best sex of my life.. and that is sad... but it gives me a goal.

At one point, after nearly kicking out the windshield, I was like "OMG, what was that?"
He laughed, "I think you just had your first orgasm."
Then he proceeded to give me two more. A true gentleman.

I discovered that I am incredibly fortunate in the orgasm department. I can have them inside, outside, upside down. 1 fish, 2 fish, 3 fish, 4. My max is 11 in one go.

And I'm always like, "Can we do it again?"
Or like Oliver Twist, "Please, sir, I want some more."

Sorry mom, another case of TMI.

To All My Faithful Followers...

HAHAHA but no, really. Some little bits of wisdom.

The Five Truths of Life
             (I know... everyone knows them.. people just need reminded.)

1 Fire is HOT!
2 Food is GOOD!
3 Good sex is BETTER!
4 Men are STUPID!
5 Women are EVIL!

It's the truth and you can't change it. As Burp says I say, "You'll get what you get, and you'll be happy about it!!"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Name Callers

So last night at Cub Scouts, my friend and I were hiding from the rain, and prying eyes, under a big ponderosa pine smoking and bullshitting because both of our boys seem to do better without us around. To be honest, I have no idea what we were initially talking about, but her response (admittedly joking- in that "it's-true-but-I-don't-care" way) was, "Ohhh right, but you're the nonbeliever."
    Why do people say that? If people really want to point fingers, can't they do it accurately? Couldn't they call me the you-believe-too-much-er?

So I asked, "Nonbeliever? Like I don't believe that the Bible is The Divine Truth set down by God through man? True, I believe the Bible is a historically inspired fiction intended to teach man humanity, morality, and community. Like I don't believe that Jesus was The Christ, The Messiah, incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and no more the "Son of God" than you or I? True. I believe that Jesus was a prophet, like Abraham, Mohammad, and Buddha. Nonbeliever, like I don't believe that I have the knowledge or comprehension to be able to name one religion more "true" than another, nor one definition or interpretation of "God" to be more correct than the next? True. So I choose to learn what I can of all of them and respect all as different interpretations of the same, being unique and significant in their own way."

I am an Omnist. I think. It seems to fit. But then who knows? For so long I thought I was a pagan based on my polytheistic views, only to find that there's a better word for it - omnitheistic. Or does that fall into the pagan category too? Why do I struggle to label myself? Maybe because so much of the world tries to and gets it so wrong. Everyone has to fit into an easily defined category. Well, I don't. My beliefs don't.
Faith isn't a prepackaged frozen pizza with limited choice of toppings. Faith knows only the bounds of your heart and mind. Sometimes that faith doesn't fit into a religion. Have you ever tried to put 20 or more helium balloons into too small a car? That's how I feel on both sides of the issue. Stubborn, persistent jubilance and frantic stuffing - just trying to make it fit.

Monday, November 9, 2009

20 Years Ago Today...

I sat in homeroom watching in awe as The Wall came down... Cute kids and a song that makes you feel joy... Ok and the guys in suspenders are hot.... lol

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Talk Thursday: Life Altering Truths

There have been a few "Life Altering Truths" for me.. Things that changed the way I thought, the way I looked at life.

#3 John Grisham's The Chamber
Before reading this book, I was an avid believer in an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I believed that murderers and rapist and molesters should have done to them exactly what was done to their victims. After reading this book, I still believe in the death penalty, but I believe now that death shouldn't be a punishment, but a solution to a problem that can't be solved by other means. I realized that humanity is what separated us from them, and if we take pleasure or satisfaction in the "act" of the death penalty, then we are no different than they are... we just have a slightly more deserving victim. I now support the death penalty, but by lethal injection only, because I AM NOT like they are.

#2 The Lie of Abraham Lincoln
 As children we are taught that the Great Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves....
In high school, we were finally taught that Abraham Lincoln was simply a Great Politician, and did no such thing. My world was shattered when I discovered that Good 'ol Abe only freed the slaves in the Confederate States who didn't recognize him as president anyway and the Border States were allowed to keep their slaves until the ratification of the 13th Amendment.

When the truth was revealed, I not only lost faith in the validity of the history our country teaches it's children, but lost a hero in the process. And I share a birthday with the bum.

#1 Sweet Baby Jesus
 As children the churches, and I went to almost all of them, teach you that Sweet Baby Jesus loves everyone equally, died for our sins, and that one day we would all join him in Heaven. They seem to ignore that Sweet Baby Jesus did all of his saving as an adult, but hey, all kids like babies. They don't tell you that there is such a thing as "Age of Accountability" after which Jesus only died for your sins if you, at the very least, "ask him into your heart" or get baptized. And then, not every one gets to Heaven and, depending on the religion, if you do get there, you probably won't get to his level anyway. 

In truth, my problem isn't with the belief structures, it's with the way they dupe kids into thinking one way, only to spring the rules and regulations on them when they're finally deemed old enough to handle it. (For most of Christianity the "Age of Accountability"  is 12, the Roman Catholic church sets that age as 7, the LDS church 8. And (I know not Christian, but still) Judaism 13, Baha'i 15...  they can't even agree on a stinking age, no wonder there's wars.) After this point, you're only loved if you're forgiven and that's only if you pray for it, have communion, love the opposite sex, don't ingest caffeine, don't have sex unless married to the opposite sex, don't have tattoos, don't eat pork or shrimp, and some can't dance, wear perfume, make-up, or jewelry. 

Life was so much simpler when it was "love thy neighbor as thy self", "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", and "judge not, least ye be judged".

One More Meme...

Ok... so really... I'm just putting off housework.

Here we go.

  1. What do you add to your coffee? White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Creamer.... mmmmmMMMMmmmmm
  2. What are you reading now? Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
  3. Do you own a gun? 2- 22 rifles
  4. Are you registered to vote? Yes... Democrat.... but I don't ALWAYS  vote party.
  5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No. Well, if they're going to make me get nakid.... I demand dinner and a movie first.
  6. What do you think of hot dogs? Post-cholecystectomy... love'em
  7. Favorite Christmas Song? “Little Drummer Boy”
  8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee.. all day, everyday
  9. Can you do push ups? No.. not ever... but I can still do the splits!
  10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Funny... I could have left my mom's answer... Ron.. and yes his blue eyes were beautiful.
  11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery? My 21st birthday ring
  12. Favorite hobby? Hobby.....? Who has time for hobbies..
  13. Do you work with people who idolize you? No, but they should.
  14. Do you have ADD? Maybe.... or am I just an airhead?
  15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? My laziness...
  16. What’s your Middle name? Doniene
  17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. I gotta pee. What day is it? Hmmmm COFFEE.
  18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Cigarettes.... that's it.
  19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Coffee, Diet Cherry Pepsi, cranberry juice....
  20. Current worry right now? How long till I HAVE to go pee
  21. What side do you dress to? depends on what I find first....
  22. Favorite place to be? In the car, driving to mom's.
  23. How did you bring in the New Year? shit... I can't remember what I had for dinner last night...
  24. Where would you like to go? COSTA RICA, Ireland, Scotland
  25. Name three people who will complete this. Not really passing it on... tho anyone can... duh
  26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? everyones
  27. What color shirt are you wearing? White tank top..... with a shelf bra... cuz I don't feel like wearing a real one...
  28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No... but I love the high count Egyptian stuff...
  29. Can you whistle? Not really... my mom took the whistle for the next few generations..
  30. Favorite colors(s)? Green, pink, and blue
  31. Could you be a pirate? naw, I'm a ninja
  32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Amen-by Take 6, Dream a little dream...., Sentimental Journey, 
  33. Favorite girls name? Gavynne
  34. Favorite boy’s name? Calen
  35. What’s in your pocket right now? no pockets.. usually cell, lighter, pack of smokes, lipgloss, and maybe money in my bra..
  36. Last thing that made you laugh? Who knows, I laugh a lot
  37. Best bed sheets as a child? I had Garfield... I can't say they were best... but I had 'em.
  38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?Hyper extended, then dislocated my knee over and over and over and over
  39. Do you love where you live? My apartment? better than where I used to live, Oregon... there's no better place on earth.
  40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Three
  41. Who is your loudest friend? my friend Ty
  42. How many dogs do you have? None.. 2 kitties, Boudicea (Bodi) and Neko
  43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Doubtful
  44. What are the most fun things you ever did? Crap. Apple baseball with Burp and Jackie, Music trivia and singing in the car with mom...
  45. What are your favorite books? Lucifer's Hammer- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, The Lord Of The Rings – JRR Tolkien, The Jenny T Partridge series - Natalie, Dean Koontz, Charles Dickens
  46. What is your favorite candy? Anything peanut butter and chocolate
  47. Favorite Team? U of O Ducks.
  48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? Don't want one.. but there can be a party... ummmm How bout "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.........." LOL You would cry too if it happened to you... dootdododoot
  49. What were you doing at 12 AM? Worrying that I had my weekends confused and maybe I should be at work..
  50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? What day is it? Where's Ben? Do I have to get him from school?

I've Never Done a Meme before... so I stole one from mom.

Ten things about yourself:
1. Name: MOM, MOM,MOM,MOM,MOM,momomomomomo... wait.. I have another name???
2. Birthday: Shared with Not-So-Honest-Abe
3. Where do you live: DUCKTOWN
4. Right or Left handed: Right... but I can bat either...
5. Favorite color: Green and PINK....
6. Favorite sport: To watch... lately football.... to play... baseball
7. Biggest Fear: Falling... 3 feet or 30...
8. Status: single..... forever single
9. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes... a horribly wrong crush on an absolutely gorgeous, funny, smart, MARRIED doctor.... figures.... *sigh*

Your last....
1. Cigarette: 2 hours ago
2. Beverage: Coffee
3. Kiss: Today - Burp... does that count..... otherwise... Ohhh god... January
4. Hug: Today - Burp...... Otherwise.. last week
5. Movie seen: Shaun of the Dead... (One of my favs)
6. CD played: Sublime
7. Song listened to: No Woman, No Cry
8. Bubble bath: Holy Crap..... no idea
9. Time you cried: A few days ago, responding to mom's blog

Eight Have-You-Ever's:
1. Dated one of your best friends or wanted to? No, yes
2. Skinny dipped: Kinda
3. Kissed somebody and regretted it: *blush* yes
4. Liked someone you knew you couldn't have: See #9
5. Been overseas: Yes
6. Dressed in costume: Yes (kind of a dumb question... everyone's trick-or-treated)
7. Been drunk: This week? no.... lol.. ummm When Tandy was here.
8. Run away: Kinda.... I think that was a motivator behind my move to Canada.

Two Things That You Want To Be When You Grow Up:
1. Happy
2. Half of a whole

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ohhh Freedom!

I was raised on sports. I always tell people  that I got my potty mouth from my mother; but for me, I perfected it. Conjugating swear words is the only art form I excel at. My mother doesn't cuss a lot in her everyday life... but apparently swearing while watching sports doesn't count.... kind of like bathroom farts.
For the first time in my adult life.... I don't have a roommate.. I don't have anyone around to bitch if I want to watch sports... Ohhhh the rapture..


I ask you, does life get any better??? ................ well sex would be nice.

(I swear, if it weren't for the fact that I have given birth, and have an insatiable need for chocolate, I'd wonder if I really have ovaries.. When does American Idol come back on? I need to exercise my girl-mones.)

Tonight I"m watching the Boise St/Louisiana Tech game... And I didn't know who to root for. My gut says Boise beat us, I want them to die.... but logic says that if they are the one team that beat us, it looks better if they  stay undefeated. A few minutes into the game it was apparent that it didn't matter who I rooted for, Boise's going to win. Everyone says that their being undefeated doesn't really mean much because they don't have a difficult conference, but either Lou Tech sucks or Boise's pretty damn good.  Or  they're having a pretty impressive game at least.

Tomorrow we go to Stanford... (I'm kinda nervous.) I think we can. We're on fire lately... ESPN is picking the Ducks to win... but shit happens, and shit sucks..... *Fingers crossed* GO DICKS!!!!

OHhhhhh and, light a candle for me..... I MIGHT be in line for a set of Civil War tickets... When I told Connie that Burp cried cuz he didn't get to go to the Halloween game, she said it was very likely that she could get me Civil War tickets.... that would be sooooooooooo sweet... even if it's a night game and I have to work afterwards... I could be a little late....


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Just Something to Make You Laugh

Gifts of clothing never looked so good!

About a year ago Ben and I got in a fight.....

Ben: "Fine. I hate you! I'm running away!"
Mom: "Great! But you're going to look awfully funny running down the street naked, cuz every thing you THINK you own, I bought... AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STEAL FROM ME!!"
Ben (Eyes wide with dumbfounded disbelief) : .......................WHAT? ................................................ Fine... I'll wear the clothes grandma got me for my birthday! THOSE ARE MINE!"

Damn it! Foiled again!! As a kid, I hated clothes as a gift..... but then, I never threatened to run away much...

...................... damn

People around America are opening their hearts to the story of Noah Biorkman , a 5-year-old boy currently in a hospice, dying from Stage IV neuroblastoma. His parents are asking people all around th...


MacGyver was my 2nd

Flint was definitely first!!

And no one can claim that GI Joes wasn't sexual.. 
Cuz he married

Lady Jaye.
But the hotness of

 The Baroness
Made every little girl want to be a little

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Talk Thursday: Mea Culpa

Ohhhhh I'm in trouble.. You think it's all fun and laughs, but when your mother will probably be the first person to read this, ya get a little nervous...

I have fessed up to most, ummm, a lot of my childhood transgressions.  At the age of 21, I confessed to the Great Wooden Spoon Disappearance that occurred when I was approximately 3 years old. My mom and I lived on my grandma's property and she babysat me while mom worked. I have no clue what I did, but one day mom broke a wooden spoon over my butt. Determined that this would never, ever happen again, I stole all the wooden spoons. Not just from our house, but grandma's house too. I crawled under the house, dug a hole, broke the ones I could and buried the whole lot of them. As if this story alone doesn't show that even at the sweet age of three I was a hellion and wouldn't take no shit, you should also know that this is the age that I put the hammer through the fish tank, not once but twice in one week. (Some of you might think I deserved that broken wooden spoon, but rationale says put up the god damned hammers!)

My point is, there seems to be a statute of limitations on confessing childhood misdeeds. I sure hope that 20-25 years is long enough, cuz if not... it's going to be a lonely Christmas...

Second or third grade saw me as a latch-key kid. Yes I survived, no I never burned down the house, but holy crap! I don't know how I managed not too.
First of all, I LOVED McGuyver. He was my second crush ever!
Second of all, my step dad reloaded his own ammunition. I had hours and hours of unsupervised time in a garage FULL of flammable and combustible goods. I spent MONTHS trying to make that damned couch-fluff bomb. (mom.... I know you're shitting yourself right now.... but we're all alive.. and I'm a somewhat well-adjusted adult) (and hey, you LET me watch McGuyver and left me unsupervised...)

I should mention my first crush ever.... Flint.. from G.I.Joe's... My mom wouldn't get me Joe's... so when I went to my dad's house, I'd lift them from my little brothers. Mom found them, the first time, and made me give them back. After that, she never found them again. I had hours and hours of unsupervised time in a garage FULL of flammable and combustible goods. My favorite thing to do was to stand the Cobra evildoers in the sand and surround them with wooden matches (to be honest, the gun powder didn't burn well, and I lost interest in it fairly quickly) and I'd light one match and torch the Cobra with mom's hairspray... or lighter fluid (we bbq'ed a lot). ( LET me watch McGuyver and left me unsupervised...and I think it's prudent to point out, if I'd had my own, I wouldn't have had to destroy them for fear of my theft being found out.)

At 12, they bought me a gun! But that's a story I'll save for Thanksgiving!

I am a SCIENTIST.... I'm curious by nature.. One of my mom's favorite sayings is "Curiosity killed the cat... SATISFACTION brought it back.." Not having a proper science kit, I did quite well with a stand magnifying glass, Exacto knife, and some hard, clear plastic sheeting that I made slides out of.. I would catch bugs, put them in zip lock bags, freeze them, then dissect them and put various parts on slides and store them in the freezer. I can't tell you how many times I got in trouble for it. Inevitably we would have company and my mom would go to the freezer to get ice, and find my experiments... Just think what I could have done if I'd had a proper science kit.
Also, in the name of science, I would catch bees, put them in little paper bags, shake them up really good, douse it with lighter fluid, and torch it. Instant fireflies!
I HATE June bugs. With a fiery passion.. actually, in this case, it wasn't fiery. Thanks to McGuyver, I learned very young what happens when you mix ammonia and bleach. FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENCE... I caught a particularly hissy June bug and put it in a ziplock bag, to see how long the bug could live without air... The fucker lived for ever!!!!  So I took a cotton ball and put ammonia on it, put it in the bag... took a cotton ball and put bleach on it.. put it in the bag... That damned thing lived for like 3 more hours... and science proved that when the leaders of this world go crazy and push the buttons, June bugs will out live us all.. the bastards.

You may say, "Now you're a parent, Psam... based on your own childhood, aren't you worried?"
Not at all. Though impulsivity IS an ADHD trait, mine also has clinical anxiety and therefore is too chicken to be anything like I was as a child.

You may think that I'm disturbed, wondering if I ever moved on to small animals, and if I'm a serial killer in the making... No.... Although I did go through a small phase where we played funeral a lot, combing the neighborhood for dead animals to give proper funerals too, I never killed any animals, small or large, in the name of science, or not.

And... I don't play with fire anymore.... well, last year our patio slab had an ant infestation in a crack... and I used lighter fluid on it.... does that count??

I love you mom! (Who picked this topic???? No Christmas card for you!!)

Monday, November 2, 2009

UPDATE: ... Another Castaway..

I had talked to our nurse in charge of abuse cases, and she followed up on that boy. His youngest brother has been removed from the home. It makes me feel like there is hope out there, and that not all bad kids are just bad kids.. Sometimes there's a reason and hopefully the older boys will get the help they need.

Random Man Thoughts......

I love a smart man. Nothing makes me squee quicker than a man with brains talking something I don't get... like quantum physics, math, or computers... yes, once I called tech support just to talk to a nerdy man for an hour.

Interesting problem though. Most nerdy/geeky guys don't like sports. This is a problem. I now hang out in a chat that is abundant with nerds- computer programmers, teachers, physicists, pharmacists, and the random gamer that isn't overly smart (except in computers). And 99% hate sports with a passion.... is this left over from school days when they were ridiculed for their suckiness on the athletic field? Who knows, but it reveals an interesting problem: How do I find a man that fits my intellectual need - and my love for sports? or am I just shit out of luck?

So ATTENTION everyone.

WANTED: One eligible man who is gifted with brains AND brawn.

Must have an actual career. 
Must not like the 49ers or the Yankees.
Should be between the ages of 30 and 40 (Not firm on this though... I would never turn down some poor 21 yrd old nerdy athlete based on age... that would just be mean.)(Or a certain gorgeous doctor who, I think, is turning 41)
Must love kids.. or at least mine..
Must love practicing making kids... duh!
Must be into fatties.. unless he's a plastic sugeon and doesn't mind home lipo.
Must have a sense of humor... I know this isn't common amongst intellectuals.
Must have some fight in him... Or I'll walk all over him..... at least I recognize my faults.
Must like my mother... cuz my life will be hell if you don't get on her good side... and very few ever have.
MUST NOT be self-centered, egotistical, prejudiced, or close-minded.
Strongly recommended: an interest in world religion, politics, and constructive debate.
NEED NOT APPLY if you're devoutly anything, ie. religious, republican, serious (or recreational) drug user, child molester, or alcoholic.
One exception : DEVOUT DUCK FANS WELCOME!!!! 

So.... if you know anyone who fits my small criteria, HOOK ME UP!!

lol.... I'm going to be single a long, long, long time.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Fright Night @ Autzen

 47-20 Oregon!!!

I seem to recall USC freshman quarterback Matt Barkley saying that he didn't fear Autzen, that he would feed off the noise. He must have eaten himself to death, cuz that poor boy choked and died on the field last night.

Sure Vegas was playing 3:1 odds that USC would win.. but did anyone REALLY have any doubts??

We're now ranked #8 in the BCS standings, #7 in the AP Top 25. Where's USC....? 12th. Kinda makes me giggle.

Now we look on to Stanford. I feel a Rose Bowl, the a national title in the near future for the Ducks.

Go Ducks.  (Autzen from where I sat)

Saturday, October 31, 2009


So excited.... last minute ticket to the UofO/ USC game is mine, all mine...
Kick off in 2 hours 12 minutes.... whoop!!!


Friday, October 30, 2009

USC Won't Know What's Comin'!!!!

Halloween '09
 Light's Out @ Autzen

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

It's October......

October always seems to be a time of reflection for me. 20 years ago, October changed my life.

Charmin died that October. Bill left that October. My favorite teacher died that  October. That October sucked. It's really easy to go back to such a soul shaking time and wonder how different would I be, how different would life be, if that time had never happened? You can wonder, but never get an answer.

I can say how I changed because of it. Although I still miss Charmin and feel her loss as though she died yesterday, I think I can say that I'm a better person for having known and lost her. To a certain extent, I think I'm better at letting people know that I care about them because I truly realize that tomorrow might never come. I think I let people walk all over me a little more than I should and I tend to repress hurts and angers too much. For awhile, I think I was a nicer person because of her. Unfortunately, I think that I'm falling away from that as it gets harder for me to hide injury and anger. Everything is so close to the surface these days.

As a child, I was mean and hateful. I got a lot of shit from the other kids, first for being a fatty, later for being a bitch. Some how I found a place in the role of bully. Puberty actually calmed it some. Then I became friends with Charmin. She was fun and kind, a true gentle soul. Her favorite song was Nancy Sinatra's “These Boots are Made for Walkin” and she always did this silly butt shaking dance when she sang it. Her favorite movie was The Seventh Sign. She used to make these “cookies” that were really just melted chocolate with anything thrown in them... mostly Cheerios and coconut. The winter before her death, it snowed a lot, and we went sledding down the hill behind her house in heavy duty plastic bags. They didn't hold up very well but we had so much fun. Afterwards she made us hot chocolate and we made ice cream out of snow (it wasn't very good, but it was fun) Her dog, I can't remember his name, used to always wear a red bandanna around his neck. And her older brother and his friends were soooooooo cute and cool. Her big sister scared the shit out of me. Tucker. Her dog's name was Tucker.

In August of '89 she joined my family on a camping trip to Idaho. She'd never been out of Oregon before... little did we know this would be her only trip out of state. She and I rode all the way to Idaho in the back of the truck with the dogs. We sang and listened to music, drew silly faces on each other with Easy Cheese, and when we got really bored, we painted the  dogs toenails candy apple red. Wow was Bill mad. He freaked out and told us to take it off, but all that did was make Smoke's entire paws bright pink. (Smoke was a white boxer)
At one point Charm and I rowed out into the lake on the raft, but a wind kicked up and we couldn't make it back. I hopped in the water and towed her back in the raft. (Not that I would ever admit it, but damn I was pooped when I got back to shore.) I remember the two of us sitting next to each other, feet in the water, giggling as the minnows ate the scabs from our mosquito bites. We flirted with the boys a few sites over, I choked on orange soda while laughing and it came out my nose. I was so mortally embarrassed.

It was a good trip with good memories. Unfortunately, some where along the way my hormones and teen angst kicked in. I got a little bent that she was allowed private time, and I wasn't... Although, really... now looking back, I can't see that I really wanted private time.. I think it was more that I was upset she didn't want to hang with me in those brief moments. I got irritated because she always wanted to do every thing. I'm fat and lazy. I didn't want to hike to ANOTHER waterfall. Twenty years later, who knows what my mom really said, but I heard "Why can't you be more like Charmin?" So I came back from vacation a little bitter.
Back at home, Charm moved up to the high school and we didn't really see each other as I was still only an eighth grader. Then one day Bill walked out of the room to make a phone call and came back in to say, "Charmin's dead."
................................................ I can't remember much of the months that followed but ohhhhh my god, I can replay that moment over and over in my head. The shock, panic, disbelief. Hysteria. I remember begging him to call back. It couldn't be true. Please, just call back.

Those are moments that change us forever.

I regret that I was such a snot. I hope she knew how special she is to me.
I regret that during her service I couldn't stand up and say it.
I regret that I couldn't be there for her mom. That's a huge guilt. Rationale tells me I was only 13 and having my own issues with coping, but I know that's something Charm would have wanted.
I regret that I wasn't more eager to do those hikes, those are memories I don't have anymore.

To this day, I refuse to use Charmin toilet paper. All my friends know it and respect it.

Most of that year is a blur to me, but I do remember Mrs. Robles standing during Charmin's memorial service and what she said has become a mantra to my life.

"No one is ever truly gone until no one remembers them any longer."

I remember.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

Talk Thursday: The Fabric of Connection

Sometimes the weave is not as strong as you think, sometimes it's stronger.

I have three best friends. Thank the gods my mom is my mom. I count her as one of my best friends, and she really can't ditch me. Life has taken the other two to the ends of the earth, but the weave is still strong.

Chole is in Alaska, I got to see her for a couple of hours in June, not nearly long enough, because her mom is also one of her best friends, and a time hog. Tandy moved to Australia in the name of love.

Tandy just visited and was here for two months. I took her back to the airport yesterday... some crap about missing her husband and all that. We did nothing special during her stay. Money was an issue, so really we just spent most of the time hanging out and basically living like the old days when she was my roommate... Except she didn't sleep all day (I did, due to working graveyard). She worked with Ben to earn Cub Scout beltloops and saved my butt one night when one of my den leaders had a family emergency. She helped him find a "like"  for math again (cuz no one really loves math- that's just crazy talk)

We argue a lot. I'm way more patriotic than she is, which is not at all. We tend to listen to different kinds of music. We have different views on society, and raising children, and government. At one point during her visit, we were arguing and she said something about Hawaii not wanting to be part of the United States anymore. And I, just to piss her off, said "Well if I were president, I say everyone  who doesn't want to be in the US anymore, raise your hand- Then I'd shoot them all between the eyes, because that's treason." She looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind, "How very communistic of you, Psam."  And then I spent 15 minutes justifying my ridiculous response. Another twenty, and everything was fine- like it never happened and it was never again mentioned that I'd suggested the government wipe out Hawaii.

So now she's gone. I miss her terribly. It's hard, knowing that I'll probably not see her for another 2 or 3 years. We'll talk on line, and the occasional phone call. She's not gone, gone. But who's going to go to the porn store with me and tell me which ones are good or a waste of money and horribly embarrass me? No one else suprises me with Dutch Bros in bed. Who's going to sing songs from Buffy's "Once More with Feeling" episode, or "The Hero of Canton" from Firefly?? (Chole, but she's in Alaska)

Tandy is my crazy friend. She can be abrasive, childish, and weird, and thrives on alienating people.
Chole is my friend that I can have deep, mind bending conversations with about religion, politics, science, or the paranormal.
The three of us together is a guaranteed mind bending, soul shaking, insane experience.

I miss my friends, but I've discovered something interesting. Those friends that I had growing up, that I thought would be my friends for life, and aren't... I miss those friendships, but I don't feel a loss and never really did. Tandy and Chole will definitely be my friends forever. I miss them constantly. They are so in tuned, so interwoven into what makes me who I am that I truly fell as though a piece of me is missing. In some bizarre, nonsexual way, I feel that they are my soul mates. In the words of Burp, "Life isn't as cool or fun without them."

Love you guys.

~Ohhhh Tandy took some fab, ego boosting pics of me while she was here. I'll share the one that prob won't melt my mom's brain. (LOL her comment when she saw them, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING??) (May I point out that you were about my age when you had yours done?)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Just Doing Research

Children's Oncology Services, Inc. (COSI) believes that a diagnosis of cancer should not prevent a child from experiencing the simple joys of childhood. Through the One Step At A Time programs, COSI offers camp experiences and educational programs throughout the year that allow children with cancer to just be kids. Our programs offer fun, friendship and support in a safe and nurturing environment.

 Send a Kid to Camp Today!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

My new gatto, Neko!!

Talk Thursday: Life, or Something Like It

I have been struggling with this topic. Mostly what came to me were all the gazillions of things I MEANT to do with this life. Nobody likes a whiner. I searched the web for some inspirational bit of text from a movie, book, or poem. Some great proverb or SOMETHING. Nothing.

What does keep popping into my head is this little poem from when I was a kid. I had atrocious handwriting and my mom would make me copy poems everyday during the summer for practice. (It didn't work, I still have bad handwriting!) That's where I remember this poem from.

Why is it so fitting? I've been trying to figure out my inadequacies, instead of just giving you a list of all the things I've meant to do. What I realized is, I've ALWAYS been this way. As a child, I would get grounded from my BOOKS, can you believe it?, because I would read ALL day and not get anything else done. It's not that I meant to ignore my chores, I just "forgot". Today, I meant to make that phone call, I meant to start that diet, or workout, or to give up smoking. I meant to try my hand at poetry again. I meant to do my laundry. I meant to bake some scones to take to work.
What's that saying? "The path to Hell is paved with good intentions.." (Good thing I don't believe in Hell!)

Somehow realizing that this is nothing new for me is easier to take. I don't feel like such a loser. I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!! Love it or leave it, I'm a procrastinator, and forgetful, and a bit lazy. And Goddamn it, I hate talking on the phone.

So here is that poem from my youth, that seems to have stuck with me all these years. And somehow, if you close your eyes and hop up and down and flap your arms like a duck, it fits the topic.... I think.

I Meant To Do My Work Today

by Richard LeGallienne

I meant to do my work today,
But a brown bird sang in the apple tree,
And a butterfly flitted across the field,
And all the leaves were calling me.
And the wind went sighing over the land,
Tossing the grasses to and fro,
And a rainbow held out its shining hand,
So what could I do but laugh and go?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Another Castaway.....?

I hope you don't mind if I do two. This is a topic that I feel passionately about.

Some people think I'm hopelessly naive. Yeah, I've been duped once or twice, but I refuse to be the kind of person who is afraid to stick their neck out for someone else.

The other night we had a drunk 17 yr old brought in by the police for a medical  all-clear-ready-for-jail exam. Pretty standard. The kid was hysterical for most of the visit and I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with it.

The cops story is that the kid was visiting his mother's house to see his little brother (he doesn't live in the home as he's HOMELESS) was caught taking shots and smoking a joint with the brother. Stepdad flipped out and tried to kick out the kid who apparently picked up a VHS tape and threw it at the dad, hitting him in the face  (supposedly breaking it). Punched the dad in the head and ran out the door with the little brother. And the police saw the shattered video on the living room floor and the bruise on the dad's face. Hmmmm? At some point prior to this, the older boy supposedly taken a knife and sliced his arm open in some attempt to show the younger how to be a "gangsta". And according to stepdad, younger brother is a straight A student and only acts up when older brother is around.

The kid's story. He cut his arm slicing a pizza. He did have a couple shots. His stepdad flipped out for some reason (I'm not sure I heard), and started hitting the two boys. The older swung back and got the younger boy out of the house. He states that they were on their way to call the police when he was picked up. He states that he willingly went with the police and that everything was fine until he was handed over to another cop for transport. (The one that brought him to us.) He states that this cop beat him down for shit talking. The cop ADMITTED that the kid wasn't resisting arrest. He admitted he hit the kid to the ground twice. He admitted the he pushed the kids face against the car tire (he had marks from it amidst the scratches and  bruises on his face).  The kid was hysterical about this cop beating him... As if in shock. like "Dude, you're a cop!" And to be honest, the cop looked pretty freakin smug.
The kid admitted he was on probation and kept loudly requesting his PO be called. He was ignored.
He admitted he has a drinking problem and said he was in outpatient treatment.
He also stated he was bipolar. (If he's bipolar and homeless, how's he get his meds?)
Aside from the ranting about police brutality, his only other concern was that someone check on his little brother because he feared for his well-being, stating several times that his brother was probably getting the shit kicked out of him. He was ignored.
Throughout his visit he talked about being beaten, not just by his stepdad, but by at least 2 of his mom's previous boyfriends. No one even blinked.

When I finally pulled a nurse aside and asked why he was being ignored I was told, "he's a homeless 17yr old criminal, you're going to believe anything he says?"

It's not about believing anything. The bare fucking truth of it is that they are required by law to report all suspicion or reports of abuse. And they sent that kid out the door with someone he stated had abused him.

Let's look at some statistics...

-Over 60% of people in drug rehabilitation centers report being abused or neglected as a child.*
-Children who have been sexually abused are 3.8 times more likely develop drug addiction*
-About 80% of 21 year olds that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.*
-Children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.*
-66% of the homeless have problems with alcohol, drug abuse, or mental illness. **
-22% of the homeless have been physically assaulted.**
-In another study, 46% of runaway and homeless youth had been physically abused and 17% were forced into unwanted sexual activity by a family or household member***

Statistics show that boy was probably telling a lot of truth in his drunken belligerence. And I'm disgusted to know that the people I work with have become so jaded that they can't see the root of truth, or care enough.

* Stats reported by ChildHelp

Monday, October 5, 2009

Talk Thursday: Castaway

Everyone has been either the casted, or the caster... It's not the act itself that defines us, but the manner with which we conduct ourselves during the moments of the action which can define us for the rest of our lives.

Be it weak, brutal, passive-aggressive, or noncommittal, we all have our own way of dealing with the stress of break up, conflict, or life in general. One of the most important lessons I have learned in this life is that while you can't always control what happens to you, you can always control how you respond and react to a situation.

I have an..... aquaintance that has been struggling for almost a year with a break up. They had been together for over five years. Truth be told, he broke up with her and, from what I can tell, was a total asshat for about a month. Then the dumbass realized that he'd made the "worst mistake of my life". But, by that time, he'd done too much damage. She didn't want him back, in fact she went and found herself a "friend".

The main problem is, according to him, she's been kinda leading him on for the last year. Everyone has known that she's with this new guy, but I guess she tells him that they're just friends and she doesn't know what she wants. blah, blah, blah. Occassionally she'd make plans with the ex just to cancelled and go out with the new guy. Pretty crappy in my book. He knew she was doing this. She would periodically tell him she didn't want to be with him,at which point, he would call me all butthurt.

The curious thing about all this is that her and the new boy were always publicly 'just friends". Today I wake up to a text "They're together, I can't fuckin believe it, blah, blah, blah. I just wish I was dead."

Now if I had said that to him, he straight up would have told me to get a life. Piss or get off the pot. "You wanna die? Do it then or quit bitching about it." He can be a bit cocky and selfrighteous. I had just woken up and I've been dealing with this periodically for about 11 months. I said what any selfrespecting friend would.
"Ohhhh Frank. Really? Did you think they weren't? Really? You didn't want to believe it. It's no reason to want to die. Don't go getting all Emo on me. Have a couple shots. Fuck the first thing that walks by and get over it. Man up already."

In retrospect, maybe not the nicest way I could have dealt with it. And I don't think he's speaking to me anymore. *shrug* There comes a point when you have to draw the line and face reality.

If he would have been a bit kinder when HE was doing the casting, perhaps things would have been a bit gentler when the shoe was on the other foot. No one ever enjoys being the castaway, though I think sometimes people can take a perverse pleasure in being the one setting the other adrift.

Karma baby. Ya get what ya give.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Boys! Boys! Never Ever Men!

OK.... I have this friend. She has always been a sex fiend and if you've ever been her friend for more than 10 seconds you know this about her. She loves video games and Mythbusters and entomology. Point is, she's not much of a girly-girl, except in that her VaJJ is her favorite toy.

Enter husband. Who is a girly-girl.. Joking. But he is the "why don't you buy me flowers? I might like them too, you know", kind of guy. Said husband ISN'T a sex fiend. "WHAT?" you say. I KNOW! But, alas... this is the way it is for us "healthy sexually driven" women. So she legally binds herself to a man who thinks 20 times a year is a good show of husbandly attention. WTF!!! 20 times a month maybe. MAYBE! AND when she does get it... it ain't that great.......

Ever read "Dark Rivers Of The Heart" by Dean Koontz? The psychopath who doesn't believe in swapping body fluids? Well at least their sex is hot, what with the rubber sheets and amber oil and toys and mood lights.... Theirs is not so much.. He doesn't kiss with an open mouth. Doesn't like to give or receive oral. Always has a "headache". Not into bondage. Won't spank. Certainly won't choke. Won't spontaneously rip her clothes off and fuck the shit out of her. Now he claims that he's afraid to be aggressive sexually because it MIGHT lead to him hitting her when they fight.... WTF!

First of all, in my book, you ever wanna hit me- you best do it in bed or you'll die. Swiftly and violently. But this isn't about me... You hit her. You'll wish you were dead because she WILL make your life living hell and you WILL spend eternity in payback.

So the result of this is that he doesn't want to do it enough, and when he does... she doesn't find it satisfying, or even interesting. Now, they do both read and listen to Dan Savage. Dan would say this, 1) Deal with it, 2) Divorce him, or 3) Get some on the side.

Solutions 1 & 2.... brings to mind something my wise ol' mom would and has said... "Sex can't make a marriage, but it can sure as hell break a marriage." Being sexually unsatisfied is a difficult thing to overcome. And I don't know if it's truly possible. And... He was friends with her for MORE than 10 seconds... He knew she was a sexual beast. His lack of sexual interest has at times affected her self esteem and has caused her some depression issues. Also she had attempted to stunt her sexual appetite with birth control until she realized that it is fucked up.

I should also state that he is on medication that maybe inhibiting his ability to ejaculate. That is a serious issue. My advice on that is "GO SEE YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR!!" Any medication that  has a lasting affect of sex drive is NOT worth it. Change meds, Exhaust all options. Sexual health is paramount! To life, sanity, and marriage!

Option 3). ... Personally, I'm not a fan of extramarital activities. Dan would say if  husband knew he could not accommodate wifes sex drive and married her anyways, he needs to allow his wife to find that fulfillment. I personally am not that mature.. I am a jealous bitch. That said, I can't argue in favor of that option.. I must say that girly-husband has given permission for this option, or at least has said he would understand if she went that route. I say that is a big fat cop out. Man up. Screw your wife already.

PSAM'S SOLUTION... Get the man a hooker. (They live in Australia and it's legal there.) Let him get out his issues with a sex professional. Let him ravage her, then pay her to piss him off and let him see that he won't beat the crap out of her. (And well, if he does... shit, money WELL spent!!! Lesson learned.) My friend is into the idea, especially if she can watch. But we doubt that he would be.

In the end, what's a girl to do? I remember as a teen hearing that men always want sex, it's all they ever think about.... Well bullshit. I know 2 girls here who have yet to find men to keep up with them sexually...

Men....... Can't live with 'em and sex just doesn't burn as many calories without them.

So... I think I'm back to "I hate men"

As I said before Tandy thought she'd give me an ego boost and prove that some men like fatties.. She answered a Craigslist saying she was me.. sent some guy my pic. He said I was hot and gave a phone number, said I should text him. I hemmed and hawed.(I have to admit, he is hot.) Then I texted. We've texted back and forth a little. Nothing too interesting. Nothing too deep.
We haven't texted in a few days so Tandy says, Text him. I did. No reply.
I finally get a reply as I'm walking into work tonight. I can't chat, gotta work. Can't have my cell in the ER. But he can email. He doesn't. Keeps texting. Finally he gets to, "want to get together sometime soon?"
I say, "Sure, what do you have in mind?"
He's like, "Well, I've been feeling kinda frisky.."

And to be honest.. I'm a bit insulted. Like really? He doesn't really know anything about me, except that I work a lot, and prob talk about my kid more than I should. Am I supposed to be so blindly flattered that I fling my clothes from my body as I fall all over myself to please him? WTF?

Dear Mr Asshat!

Should it flatter me that really you don't give a shit where you stick your penis as long as it's dark, warm, and wet... and sometimes the wet probably doesn't even matter, I'm sure. Am I supposed to have such low self esteeme that I just assume you must want the warm spot because you truly like ME so very much? Or if I sleep with you, maybe you'll like it soooooo much you'll want to get to know me better?

Fuck off!!!

Am I too prideful? Fuck yeah. Am I that desperate? Hell no. If I wanted to have meaningless sex I could, and I would, and I have... But don't pretend it could be something more than it is, because I'm not a hopeless fucktard.
If you want cheap, meaningless sex, call it what it is. You'll probably get more bites anyway. Don't act like a sweet upstanding guy. Act like the dog you are... for some stupid reason, girls dig assholes.

Friday, October 2, 2009

An Interesting Facebook Test.....

So I decided to try out an idea on Facebook... I threw out the Beginning few lines of a story, just to see what would happen. This is my result.

Long. long ago and far, far away where the hills are green and rolling, and the mighty trees reach high to the golden sun... There lived a.... ?

small and lonely girl with flowing raven black hair as soft as silk, hoping one day...
she would find the secret of the Forbidden Forest. Every day she would sneak off to the deep dark wood and search for something that seemed to not belong... or something magical.
"It would be so much easier if I knew what it was I look for", she said to herself.
One day.....
....she came upon a creek that she had never seen before. No, she was sure that this creek had not been in this spot the last time she had ventured this route. In a shallow place stones were placed just right for her to cross without getting wet. As she hopped across the creek her skin tingled. She set foot on the other side and.......
...even as her boot sunk into the saturated moss along the bank, she heard them behind her. The hissing and groaning of something rising from the deeper pools. She stood frozen in place, unwilling to turn around but too afraid to run ahead.
Where normally the singing of the crickets were audible throughout the forest, the quiet was unnerving and the girl knew that whatever lurked behind her was....
....not going to stop until it caught up to her. She had to keep moving. She knew that she was going in the right direction. Whatever was lurking behind was there to stop her.

The girl, Nonamee, willed herself to move. She was torn between recrossing the now sinister waters, or fleeing deeper into the Forbidden Forest. Behind her came the gurgle slurp of movement in the murk and Nonamee ran shrieking into the shadows......

Over the sound of her own pounding heartbeat, the forest around her came alive with sounds. The cackling laughter of dark things and the crackling of decayed sinew and bone behind her. The sinister eyes of her now many pursuers gazed down upon her from the treetops and unseen by her, a gnarled and twisted hand reached for her slender ankle from a hollow, rotted log, only just missing her.

Nonamee shivered as though a ghost had just passed through her. As the seconds waned to minutes and all she could do was to think of the safety of her bedroom to hide from the rustling noises and sinister voices whispering in hushed demonic canter she began losing hope until she heard a lyrical voice whisper to her, "To the center of the forest, come to me..." Entranced, following the melodious voice, she delved deeper into the forest, unaware of...

..the danger that lay before her, so much worse than the denziens of the trees.

Branches slapped and tore at Nonamee as she fled the new malevolence haunting her journey. Nonamee had slipped into the Forbidden Forest many times and never been so frightened. Again the melodic voice called her deeper into the heart of the wood. Hysteria squeezed her chest. Not quite trusting what was ahead, she ran from the thing or things that chased from behind. Darting between trees, Nonamee turned to look over her shoulder and fell, landing ................

.....on plush, green moss. As if falling through a portal of protection. Nonamee slowly sat up. The snarling had stopped. The darkness had receded. There was a beautiful warmth on this glowing patch of moss. Looking around, she took in her soundings wondering if she was even in the same woods. Sunlight filtered through the trees. That was when she noticed the little spots of light that seemed to flutter right in her face. Focusing on them, Nonamee realized they weren't light at all.......

and suddenly the area became very bright, almost dazzling white. Out of the light came three beautiful fairies. And of the three there was the most remarkable fairy. She was dressed in a white lacy gown and was wearing a silver crown on her head. In wonderment she thought to herself that this must be the magical adventure she was looking for as all her fear and strife washed away from her weary bones. The white fairy landed gently onto the mossy floor and spoke in a tinkling voice.

That is all we have so far.... Kinda fun.. I will add to it if the story grows at all.. Maybe I'll try to start another sometime...
Contributions made by:
Shann Ormsbee
Sandra Fowler
Terry Wilson
Nichole Akins
and ME