Talk Thusday: REgressions

I've been struggling with Progressions... I don't feel very progressive these days.

The fact is... I was horribly mistaken about the extent of my relationship with the Plumber. Apparently, we are just really good friends who were briefly more affectionate than is normal. And I made assumptions. I made (I think, understandably) assumptions based on miss-intendedly misleading words and actions. That doesn't mean I wasn't heartbroken. Or embarrassed. Or a little shamed.

By nature, I am slow to trust. I am slow to open myself up to others in a way that gives them the opportunity to hurt me. Usually, I'm a fortress. That doesn't mean that I'm not affectionate with the people in my life... it just means I'm distrustful and not quick to let in newbies. I've always been that way to a certain extent. As a child, it was safer to kick someone's ass than let them see their words hurt me. It's hard to cry when you're throwing punches. Sometimes growing up sucks.. I wish it were socially acceptable for me to just kick the shit out of someone when I'm upset... somehow I know that would make me feel better. (Ok, not really... but kinda) With the Plumber, I tried to throw caution to the wind. Tried to break out of my old ways and fears and self defenses. Now I find myself wondering why.

Those things are there for a reason.

I know everyone has that little "voice in their head". Not in a schizophrenic way, just that voice... Mine speaks to me with my mother's voice.

It keeps saying, "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.."

Why don't I listen to my mom more?

Nothing happened. We didn't fight. Just one day it was different. He says that he needs to focus on his kid and his career and he can't worry about the other things right now. He doesn't say that there won't be a "someday, down the road", but I don't ask either. He doesn't say that he doesn't feel that way about me, but again, I don't ask. He tells me I'm his best friend. That's something. Things have been a little awkward. He feels horrible for hurting me, I feel like an ass for letting myself get hurt.

I don't point out that in the little over a month he's lived with me that he's gotten his license back, paid off his fines, gotten a job, gone back to college, and that he now has his son 50% of the time.... Pointing that out seems pathetic and desperate and argumentative. It doesn't matter what his excuse is..If he doesn't want to "be with" me, then what's the point of showing him that with me he's achieved all that?

He's just as damaged as I am. Maybe a little more so. He doesn't communicate his emotions any better than I do. We're both pretty fucked up. He tries to talk to me, but his meaning is as clear as mud. I try to talk to him, but the words don't come out. So now we just pretend it isn't there.

We still have fun. I love being around him. I just wish things were still the way they were a few weeks ago.

I don't know if it's stress or the fact that it's hard to remember to take your birth control when you're not having sex... but I've had my period twice this month. I feel like my uterus is weeping for my broken heart.

I've never met anyone so perfect for me. We're enough alike to always be entertained, but different enough to never get boring. We're so sexually compatible that it scares me I'll never find that again. Good sex is still good, but when it's great... Ohhh my god, it's amazing.

I don't know where I am... I'm this big ball of confused disillusionment, self-pity, dysfunctional wanting, and bitterness. But, as we all know,

This too shall pass.

What To Do.....

When do you make your peace with the past, and when do you let sleeping dogs die?

I'm at a crossroads, and I'm not quite sure which path to take.. I tend to face these things head on, but this one- I'm hesitant.

My first step dad has just made a Facebook page... I don't want to be his friend... I don't want to try to get back what once was, but I feel a need to get things off my chest, and make my peace with it. That whole closure thing. But will I find closure, or just more disappointment?

This is 16+ years in the making... and though I'm finally over the anger, the wounds are deep and tender. Part of me says that I have the right to say my piece, the other part wonders if I'm just being selfish and if there is any point to it.

The shunned child in me wants to wait to see if he'll make a move.... He'll see me through Grandma and my cousin... but the logical me says that this will only re-create the anger if he doesn't make that move.

I'll sit on it... I know this can't be a choice I make on the fly.

Life Is About Compromises

Last night, he offered up an agreement... If I learn to tolerate Jim Carey, he will learn to love Green Day.

On one hand, I'm like, how hard can it be to love Green Day? Everyone, by all rights, should love Green Day. And, for a second, I kinda think I'm getting the shit-end of the stick, but then - I do only have to tolerate Jim Carey, and Will Ferrell wasn't even mentioned.

Then I blew his socks off. He tells me that he named his son because of this skating movie he used to watch when he was younger.. I said, "Gleaming the Cube? I loved that movie." His jaw dropped and he told me I was amazing... which he's damned fucking right I am! Bout time he started acknowledging it.. hahaha no he always does.

Gosh.... I need to name him for you guys... sheesh.. Mr Three Doors Down is just too time consuming... I'll have to think about this one.

Talk Thursday: What I Learned This Summer

*sigh*

First, as hard as this is to admit, I've learned.... I'm not always right. Mom, Tandy..... save this... I don't admit it very often.

Specifically, the 5 Truths of Life.... are general rules of thumb, not written in stone, handed down to Moses on tablets on some mountain out in the middle of nowhere. Men are not all stupid, straight forward, and simple. Some are deep and complicated.

Next, it's okay to have fears... but fear can't rule your life, can't keep you from hoping and dreaming. And it's okay to voice it. Saying it out loud doesn't give your fear life... it doesn't jinx your hopes.

My mom raised me to believe that you can't go into a relationship with the hope of "fixing" the things you don't like about someone. You love the faults just as much as the positives.... In the past, I just walked away when I came up against those things I couldn't love... Now, I know I can at least wait, and give him time to sort his crap out. Be strong and patient, and be there when he needs me, but don't push... he needs to do this on his own.. and I know that he's trying and wants too.

I'm trying to not be so insecure. To have faith. I know he needs to come into this as a man..a whole man.... and that is what's holding him up... but these things take time. It's hard to let go of the past, even harder to let go of fears. And he has fears of his own.

I've learned that I'm an impatient person, but I'm trying to relax and take things a day at a time. What's the rush? We have the rest of our lives.

I swore I'd never get married... I thought I was too old to have another baby... He makes me hope and dream...

It's just a matter of time.

It's been one of the greatest summers of my life.

And Tandy, I love you... and I just want you to know that I'm so happy.. even when I'm worried.. I'm so happy. And I don't feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life.. I feel like I'm putting in the time and securing my future. I feel like I just woke up from a long, long hibernation.
Thank you for listening, even when you're sick of it.. Thank you for telling me I'm being stupid, even when I don't want to hear it. Thank you for worrying about me, even if it hurts my feelings... it still warms me with love to know that you care enough to say so.

Talk Thursday: So I Have To Ask....?

So I have to ask...... Why do the people I know prefer to call me for medical advice, instead of their doctor? For the most part, I don't mind.... The investigation part is interesting for me, but I'm not a doctor, or a nurse... I'm a freaking secretary. Albeit an ER Unit Secretary, but my medical training is INCREDIBLY limited.

It started several years ago when a roommate had some lab work done and came to me concerned because her glucose came back fairly elevated. I asked to see her previous levels, and then asked her if anything had changed between the normal one and the elevated one. The doc had changed some of her meds in that time. I did a little investigation and found that one of her meds was contraindicated for diabetics.... The easy answer for me would be because it must mess with your sugars.... ta dah!

Yesterday, I got two calls. Call one came from my friend who broke her leg and just got out of the hospital. She hasn't pooped in a week and wanted to take a laxative, but the box says that if you're pregnant, call your health care professional.. My advice: Call your pharmacist.

The second one came at 2300, from a friend that just had lab work done and her Vitamin D came back low..... Why would that be? What causes that? Hmmm, I know she's outside a lot... No, she doesn't drink milk... But I also know that Vit D isn't a standard chemistry screen, so why did her doctor test it? I asked what meds she's one so I can investigate those.... Albuterol and a thyroid drug.. Hmmmmm, Vit D isn't really a vitamin, it's a hormone... FIve minutes later, I confirm... It's either due to the med or her thyroid hormone. I tell her to take the supplement her doc prescribed and send her a list for a Vit D rich diet. (It's always easier for your body to utilize what it gleans from food sources rather than supplements).

Last week, a friend without medical insurance calls me.. She's pretty sure she has pitted keratolysis, but can't afford to go to the doctor if she doesn't HAVE too. I get this. I did some investigation.. If she is right, it's caused by bacteria when the feet get hot and sweaty. She's a waitress.. duh. So, home remedies... I explain to her that if she went to the doctor they might give her a topical or oral erythromycin. Bacteria is pretty sensitive to pH, so I suggest she do vinegar baths and alternate with tea baths (tannin will dry out the affected area) and get some tea tree oil and use that topically. Also, change your socks, cotton, several times a day and alternate shoes, don't ever wear the same pair two days in a row. Go barefoot as much as possible. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell if my suggested treatment would really work, because she keeps forgetting and will probably go to the doctor anyway.

My favorite call ever... About 3 weeks ago, I was at Ash's house (yes, the broken-legged laxative friend) and an exboyfriend started blowing up my phone. I ignored the first 6 calls, 6 calls in 20 minutes, then finally answered a bit annoyed. "What? Is someone dying? What's your freaking emergency?"
He responds in a frantic voice, "It IS an emergency!"
Me: Ok.... what's going on?
Idiot: Well, I don't know what to do... It's embarrassing and I don't want to go to a doctor...
Me (Rolls eyes) : Ok... What's going on?
Idiot: Well, I've been going to the pool a lot. And swimming.
Me (No shit? Is that what those are for?) To him: uh huh?
Idiot: And I had my lady friend shave my body.... my whole body.

(Did I mention we've been broken up for two years? All I can think is, poor lady friend!)

Me: Ok?
Idiot: And this is really embarrassing.... I have an ingrown hair, I think, on my asshole.
Me: ..............................................*choke back laugh*........ ok..?
Idiot: And I don't want to go have some doctor guy look at my asshole. My lady friend looked... I don't know what to do.. It hurts... Should I pop it? I called my mom and she said to sit in a warm salt bath. I called my cousin, and he said stab it with a needle... I called my other cousin and she said to have my lady friend squeeze it... My aunt said to leave it alone and go to the ER... What do I do?

Me: ............................................ Um, How long have you had it?
Idiot:  30 minutes!
Me (In my head: and you called me 7 times and half of your family?) To him (Still trying desperately to not laugh) : Well, Epsom Salt  bath would be good...  If it is an ingrown hair, or something of that type, that will help it come to a head... (but..I'm thinking probably a rrhoid) Yeah, ummm, I wouldn't squeeze it or STAB it... There's a fairly significant blood vessel that runs around your anus..... don't go stabbing at it. Really, there are several possibilities of what it could be.... But I don't want to look at it... Really, I'm not going to look at it... Ummm, if it gets significantly worse, or doesn't seem to get better in the next 4 or 5 days... You're going to have to have a professional look at your ass.. Sorry.

At this point, Idiot starts ranting and raving to the point that everyone in the room is staring at me with shit eating grins on their face and now the kids are interested too!

Me: Don't yell at me, dumbass, I'm not a damned doctor, most certainly not an ass doctor. You want a better opinion, go show someone your ass! Otherwise, chill out. You aren't bleeding. You're not going to die... at this point. (DAMN!) Wait and see how it goes.. it's been 30-fucking-minutes! Ohhh.. and quit shaving your asshole!

And I hung up!

Everyone knows you're supposed to wax it! Sheesh!

Talk Thursday: Respect in the Morning.....

It figures, huh? I haven't done a Talk Thursday in quite awhile.. and this is the one that strikes a chord..... LOL.

When I was younger, there were a few birthdays that my mom got my annual numerology reading or a few times that we went to psychic fairs and had our cards read.... Somewhere, at some point... I was told that my life lessons this time around was to "learn to temper drugs, alcohol, and sex..." Looking back, I have to wonder (just a tiny bit) if that was mom's way of slipping in the message... Did you slip someone a $20 to give me that message? hehehe

I've done pretty good with the drugs and alcohol.... I tried pot... that was all I was brave enough to have a go at, and OMG it makes me horribly ill. Alcohol, I had enough examples of who I didn't want to turn out like, and a strong mother who never hid the ugly truths, so drinking was never much of an issue. Sex...... Well, who hasn't made bad choices, right?

I think I've finally figured out the sex thing... When your younger, despite all the sage advice a young girl is given, sex is still the bloody weapon that hangs over your head to threaten your happiness. "He wouldn't want to if he didn't like me," or "He won't like me if I don't." As an adult, I've finally come into my own. I don't need a man in my life to make me whole. Yes, it would be nice... but it isn't required. I've learned to listen to what the man says, not try to interpret what he does.... cuz men aren't that smart. If they say they don't want a relationship but still want to have sex. It's just sex.. No hidden agenda. They don't play games like girls do... "Ya get what ya get."

Most important.... In the end, it doesn't matter if HE respects you in the morning... What matters is, will YOU respect YOURSELF in the morning? Men come and go, but you have to live with yourself forever. If you can, that's all that matters.

For the last month, I've been turning down sex on a regular basis.. and to be honest... part of me is like "PSAM!!! what are you doing??" But the sane, logical part knows that I wouldn't be able to respect myself... Too many personal rules would be broken. We've been friends for several years. We've screwed around before, just never closed the deal. But... I have someone else that I see on occasion... We're not "in a relationship", but you shouldn't take your car to multiple mechanics.... right? And.. this friend, he has a live in girlfriend.. who I've met, who is sweet and nice- and that would just be wrong. He's tried to tell me it would just be once.. to get it out of the way.. but if you break the rules once... it makes it easier to break the rules a second, third, or who knows how many times. Monogamy isn't just for marriage, it keeps the vagina healthy and happy! and well, your vagina is your best friend.

So my other "friend" that I've mentioned... we collaborate on occasion. No relationship, we've both agreed that isn't what we're looking for in one another... His sister is a good friend of mine, we spend a lot of time together as we're neighbors and our kids are close friends... Yesterday, he got drunk and tried  to tell me that if I continued to be friends with his sister, then he and I couldn't be friends anymore.... Ohhh no you didn't! We had just had this conversation the day before... That I will not be controlled or have my actions dictated to me. I don't know what the hell he was trying to prove... But that shit don't fly with me. I politely responded, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's your choice."  Apparently, he sobered up pretty quick, cuz he was like "Ohhh honey, baby, I'm sorry..."

My mama taught me that boys only call you "baby" to manipulate you. Not exactly her words, and I've broadened the lesson a bit.. but same diff.

Anyways... I think I've learned my lessons. I've got this!

Thank you mom!

Random Man Thoughts......

I love a smart man. Nothing makes me squee quicker than a man with brains talking something I don't get... like quantum physics, math, or computers... yes, once I called tech support just to talk to a nerdy man for an hour.

Interesting problem though. Most nerdy/geeky guys don't like sports. This is a problem. I now hang out in a chat that is abundant with nerds- computer programmers, teachers, physicists, pharmacists, and the random gamer that isn't overly smart (except in computers). And 99% hate sports with a passion.... is this left over from school days when they were ridiculed for their suckiness on the athletic field? Who knows, but it reveals an interesting problem: How do I find a man that fits my intellectual need - and my love for sports? or am I just shit out of luck?

So ATTENTION everyone.

WANTED: One eligible man who is gifted with brains AND brawn.

Must have an actual career. 
Must not like the 49ers or the Yankees.
Should be between the ages of 30 and 40 (Not firm on this though... I would never turn down some poor 21 yrd old nerdy athlete based on age... that would just be mean.)(Or a certain gorgeous doctor who, I think, is turning 41)
Must love kids.. or at least mine..
Must love practicing making kids... duh!
Must be into fatties.. unless he's a plastic sugeon and doesn't mind home lipo.
Must have a sense of humor... I know this isn't common amongst intellectuals.
Must have some fight in him... Or I'll walk all over him..... at least I recognize my faults.
Must like my mother... cuz my life will be hell if you don't get on her good side... and very few ever have.
MUST NOT be self-centered, egotistical, prejudiced, or close-minded.
Strongly recommended: an interest in world religion, politics, and constructive debate.
NEED NOT APPLY if you're devoutly anything, ie. religious, republican, serious (or recreational) drug user, child molester, or alcoholic.
One exception : DEVOUT DUCK FANS WELCOME!!!! 

So.... if you know anyone who fits my small criteria, HOOK ME UP!!

lol.... I'm going to be single a long, long, long time.

Boys! Boys! Never Ever Men!

OK.... I have this friend. She has always been a sex fiend and if you've ever been her friend for more than 10 seconds you know this about her. She loves video games and Mythbusters and entomology. Point is, she's not much of a girly-girl, except in that her VaJJ is her favorite toy.

Enter husband. Who is a girly-girl.. Joking. But he is the "why don't you buy me flowers? I might like them too, you know", kind of guy. Said husband ISN'T a sex fiend. "WHAT?" you say. I KNOW! But, alas... this is the way it is for us "healthy sexually driven" women. So she legally binds herself to a man who thinks 20 times a year is a good show of husbandly attention. WTF!!! 20 times a month maybe. MAYBE! AND when she does get it... it ain't that great.......

Ever read "Dark Rivers Of The Heart" by Dean Koontz? The psychopath who doesn't believe in swapping body fluids? Well at least their sex is hot, what with the rubber sheets and amber oil and toys and mood lights.... Theirs is not so much.. He doesn't kiss with an open mouth. Doesn't like to give or receive oral. Always has a "headache". Not into bondage. Won't spank. Certainly won't choke. Won't spontaneously rip her clothes off and fuck the shit out of her. Now he claims that he's afraid to be aggressive sexually because it MIGHT lead to him hitting her when they fight.... WTF!

First of all, in my book, you ever wanna hit me- you best do it in bed or you'll die. Swiftly and violently. But this isn't about me... You hit her. You'll wish you were dead because she WILL make your life living hell and you WILL spend eternity in payback.

So the result of this is that he doesn't want to do it enough, and when he does... she doesn't find it satisfying, or even interesting. Now, they do both read and listen to Dan Savage. Dan would say this, 1) Deal with it, 2) Divorce him, or 3) Get some on the side.

Solutions 1 & 2.... brings to mind something my wise ol' mom would and has said... "Sex can't make a marriage, but it can sure as hell break a marriage." Being sexually unsatisfied is a difficult thing to overcome. And I don't know if it's truly possible. And... He was friends with her for MORE than 10 seconds... He knew she was a sexual beast. His lack of sexual interest has at times affected her self esteem and has caused her some depression issues. Also she had attempted to stunt her sexual appetite with birth control until she realized that it is fucked up.

I should also state that he is on medication that maybe inhibiting his ability to ejaculate. That is a serious issue. My advice on that is "GO SEE YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR!!" Any medication that  has a lasting affect of sex drive is NOT worth it. Change meds, Exhaust all options. Sexual health is paramount! To life, sanity, and marriage!

Option 3). ... Personally, I'm not a fan of extramarital activities. Dan would say if  husband knew he could not accommodate wifes sex drive and married her anyways, he needs to allow his wife to find that fulfillment. I personally am not that mature.. I am a jealous bitch. That said, I can't argue in favor of that option.. I must say that girly-husband has given permission for this option, or at least has said he would understand if she went that route. I say that is a big fat cop out. Man up. Screw your wife already.

PSAM'S SOLUTION... Get the man a hooker. (They live in Australia and it's legal there.) Let him get out his issues with a sex professional. Let him ravage her, then pay her to piss him off and let him see that he won't beat the crap out of her. (And well, if he does... shit, money WELL spent!!! Lesson learned.) My friend is into the idea, especially if she can watch. But we doubt that he would be.

In the end, what's a girl to do? I remember as a teen hearing that men always want sex, it's all they ever think about.... Well bullshit. I know 2 girls here who have yet to find men to keep up with them sexually...

Men....... Can't live with 'em and sex just doesn't burn as many calories without them.

So... I think I'm back to "I hate men"

As I said before Tandy thought she'd give me an ego boost and prove that some men like fatties.. She answered a Craigslist saying she was me.. sent some guy my pic. He said I was hot and gave a phone number, said I should text him. I hemmed and hawed.(I have to admit, he is hot.) Then I texted. We've texted back and forth a little. Nothing too interesting. Nothing too deep.
We haven't texted in a few days so Tandy says, Text him. I did. No reply.
I finally get a reply as I'm walking into work tonight. I can't chat, gotta work. Can't have my cell in the ER. But he can email. He doesn't. Keeps texting. Finally he gets to, "want to get together sometime soon?"
I say, "Sure, what do you have in mind?"
He's like, "Well, I've been feeling kinda frisky.."

And to be honest.. I'm a bit insulted. Like really? He doesn't really know anything about me, except that I work a lot, and prob talk about my kid more than I should. Am I supposed to be so blindly flattered that I fling my clothes from my body as I fall all over myself to please him? WTF?

Dear Mr Asshat!

Should it flatter me that really you don't give a shit where you stick your penis as long as it's dark, warm, and wet... and sometimes the wet probably doesn't even matter, I'm sure. Am I supposed to have such low self esteeme that I just assume you must want the warm spot because you truly like ME so very much? Or if I sleep with you, maybe you'll like it soooooo much you'll want to get to know me better?

Fuck off!!!

Am I too prideful? Fuck yeah. Am I that desperate? Hell no. If I wanted to have meaningless sex I could, and I would, and I have... But don't pretend it could be something more than it is, because I'm not a hopeless fucktard.
If you want cheap, meaningless sex, call it what it is. You'll probably get more bites anyway. Don't act like a sweet upstanding guy. Act like the dog you are... for some stupid reason, girls dig assholes.