*sigh*
First, as hard as this is to admit, I've learned.... I'm not always right. Mom, Tandy..... save this... I don't admit it very often.
Specifically, the 5 Truths of Life.... are general rules of thumb, not written in stone, handed down to Moses on tablets on some mountain out in the middle of nowhere. Men are not all stupid, straight forward, and simple. Some are deep and complicated.
Next, it's okay to have fears... but fear can't rule your life, can't keep you from hoping and dreaming. And it's okay to voice it. Saying it out loud doesn't give your fear life... it doesn't jinx your hopes.
My mom raised me to believe that you can't go into a relationship with the hope of "fixing" the things you don't like about someone. You love the faults just as much as the positives.... In the past, I just walked away when I came up against those things I couldn't love... Now, I know I can at least wait, and give him time to sort his crap out. Be strong and patient, and be there when he needs me, but don't push... he needs to do this on his own.. and I know that he's trying and wants too.
I'm trying to not be so insecure. To have faith. I know he needs to come into this as a man..a whole man.... and that is what's holding him up... but these things take time. It's hard to let go of the past, even harder to let go of fears. And he has fears of his own.
I've learned that I'm an impatient person, but I'm trying to relax and take things a day at a time. What's the rush? We have the rest of our lives.
I swore I'd never get married... I thought I was too old to have another baby... He makes me hope and dream...
It's just a matter of time.
It's been one of the greatest summers of my life.
And Tandy, I love you... and I just want you to know that I'm so happy.. even when I'm worried.. I'm so happy. And I don't feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life.. I feel like I'm putting in the time and securing my future. I feel like I just woke up from a long, long hibernation.
Thank you for listening, even when you're sick of it.. Thank you for telling me I'm being stupid, even when I don't want to hear it. Thank you for worrying about me, even if it hurts my feelings... it still warms me with love to know that you care enough to say so.
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1 comment:
Ahhhh, you do have to believe in yourself, believe in other people and have friends who love you enough to butt heads with you. And a man with enough huevos to stand up to you. I know you're not a complete person of faith, but regardless I've prayed every night for the person who has your love to come into your life. That's all a mother can ask - that their child beloved the way they deserve by someone strong enough to accept and honor the heart and love given for their keeping.
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