Talk Thursday: The Invisible Worm

My invisible worm is anxiety fostered by self-doubt.

I don't know why, it's just the way I'm wired.

Yesterday, I walked in to the gas station and said I got a fill on number 8. The guy informed me that I had to wait for it to be done filling before I could pay. I felt like an idiot. (I know I shouldn't have, but I did.) So I stepped back and waited. Every person who came up to the counter was polite when the guy tried to help them. "Ohh, she was first." I felt like an idiot as I waved them on and said I was waiting. Why? No reason to, but I did. But every time someone acknowledged me, my anxiety went up a notch. Then I realized that I was shaking and had that nauseous feeling. Ridiculous, I know. Filling my gas tank shouldn't put me into a panic attack.

I burn hot with embarrassment when I remember a situation that happened back about 20 years ago. My step grandfather had been in town and took us all out to dinner. When it was dessert time, they brought a cart around and starting with my cousin, asked what kind she wanted. When she picked, I thought I'd be helpful and handed it to her. I'd never been to a restaurant that had a dessert cart. Everyone laughed and the waitress looked embarrassed for me and explained that you don't take these ones, they've been on the cart all day. You pick, then they bring you fresh ones. But they didn't take my cousin's, they left it there and I had to know that she didn't get a fresh one. I still feel like a total ass when I think about that, and part of me knows that I shouldn't.... I was thirteen for christsake, so the other half of me just wonders what's wrong with me that I still feel the shame of that night?

I won't go to a restaurant or a movie by myself. There is that unreasonable part of me that thinks that other people will look at me and judge me pathetic. The fat girl eats alone, or that I have no friends to go to the movie with. Reason and logic tells me that most people won't even notice me, but the irrational part knows that they will look at me.

I hate going to any where by myself, especially if I've never been there before or am not quite sure of proper procedure once I am there. I get nervous and shake and feel like I might cry just knowing that I'm going to do or say something wrong. And god forbid if, unbidden, someone talks to me when I'm in that state, I totally panic. I have completely frozen, then just turned around and walked away from them. I have burst into tears.

It kind of makes meeting guys hard. When they do talked to me, I just wonder why? What's the joke? What's your strategy? What's your goal here?

I seem to lack the ability to socialize with people I don't know. My anxiety rears up and I seem to be out of breath and my brain goes a million miles a minute. I over evaluate everything I say. I notice that I'm not making eye contact and then I wonder if they think that I'm a liar. I notice that I use my hands too much. I'm talking too fast. I'm using "I" too much, they're going to think that I'm self-centered. I find myself frustrated that I don't have the ability to read minds because I should be able to know what this person thinks of me... and I don't, and then I feel so cut off from the rest of the world. Then I think OMG, I'm so weird. This isn't normal.

I don't know how I got this way. I didn't used to be like this. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes almost nonexistent. Almost.