Ode To My Hostess Lemon Pie

(The first I've had in years)

When I heard you were gone, I searched far and wide.
On Amazon and Ebay, my cravings denied.
I wept and I cursed, the opportunities gone,
The damn self-denial of trying to be strong.

Then I saw Twinkies and my heart filled with cheer!
I saw DingDongs and Hohos and PIES! Oh my dear!
Cherry!! and apple!! and .... no lemon to be had.
My joy crashed, my heart crushed, I was filled with great sad.

THEN I SAW YOU! I cackled. I snatched you up tight.
I stroked you. I petted. I crooned my delight.
All the way home, I whispered- sweet nothings and such,
Promises and declarations about loving you too much.

Tingling with anticipation, I unwrapped with care.
I hid myself away, so I wouldn't have to share.
I tasted your icing. I nibbled your crust,
Comforting and praising and gaining your trust.

One nibble. Two nibbles, and three. You open to me.
I can see your creamy center, it wants to be free.
I slip my tongue in and lap you up with a moan,
So silky and tart, I'm glad I'm alone.

Joygasms and happies, I started to drool.
Sucking and slurping, I abandoned my cool.
Digging deeper and deeper, I scoop with my tongue.
Victorious and giddy about this pleasure I have won.

Licking the crevices, the crannies and such,
You're suddenly gone, just a shell, nothing else much.
I sigh and eye you with great heave of despair,
Then toss you in the trash....

Thankful I bought a spare.

Let's Talk Tradition...

A few days ago, I got into a bit of a debate with a friend on the definition of "cheating". For the most part, I totally agreed with her points, until she came to "Is it cheating if his wife knows about us and says it's okay? Yes. You are cheating."
Whoa! Huh?

(For my vanilla world readers, poly is very common in BDSM and it seems the debate of mono vs. poly is never-ending.)

Cheat

1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting

I'm not going to rehash the whole debate, but one would assume that two married peoples are capable of having an open and frank conversation about something so potentially sensitive. One would HOPE that the feelings of your spouse would matter to you and that a joint decision could be reached between the two.
So the "knows about us and says it's okay" part is presumably truth.
I don't get how this is considered cheating at all.

BUT, that's not what we're going to talk about.
Inevitably, in these sorts of conversations, I always piss off a few ppl by pointing out biology, anthropology, psychology, zoology... (some other ologies) and the fact that humans are just another animal. (YEEPS!)

Human

"Humans (variously Homo sapiens and Homo sapiens sapiens) are primates of the family Hominidae, and the only extant species of the genus Homo. Humans are distinguished from other primates by their bipedal locomotion, and especially by their relatively larger brain with its particularly well developed neocortex, prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes, which enable high levels of abstract reasoning, language, problem solving, and culture through social learning." (thank you, Wiki)

We... are a species of primate of the class of mammalia.

I fail to see how this prompts the peoples to grab their torches and pitchforks, but it almost always does.
My point in bringing this up is that we (collectively) seem to hold ourselves above the rest of the animal kingdom. WHY? Why does humanity have to think they're so fucking special?
Cuz we love? Tell a dog lover that his dog doesn't really love him. Go ahead, do it.
Cuz we're socially dependent? Not so unique. Look at any pack or troop.
Cuz we build shit? Ants, bees, and termites build shit.... Fuck, they have organized social structures. Do they love? Hell. Maybe. I dunno. I've never been an ant.

The point to all this is that while monogamy is quite common in birds, it's not so common for mammals. In fact, only about 9% of mammals are monogamous. Only about a quarter of the primates (that's us) live monogamously.
Human incidence of social monogamy
"According to the Ethnographic Atlas, of 1,231 societies from around the world noted, 186 were monogamous; 453 had occasional polygyny; 588 had more frequent polygyny; and 4 had polyandry."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? MONOGAMY ISN'T EVEN THE SOCIAL NORM FOR HUMANS!!

There are two working theories on why humans evolved monogamy. 1) Infanticide, and 2) geographic distance between females.
That's right. People paired up to protect their offspring from other men who would kill babies to ensure the longevity of their own seed... and because the mens didn't want other mens impregnating their womens while they were off impregnating other womens.

Noble, right?

So, since we've established that monogamy is not necessarily the "norm"...
I get confused when people talk about "traditional marriage".

Whose tradition are you glorifying?

Monogamy didn't really take off in the Western world until the plow age. People worked hard for their land, needed to breed a work force to maintain it, and wanted to keep it in the family. Marriage at that point was only for the upper classes. Women were traded for money and livestock and property. Love was not involved in marriage. Love was for commoners (who were not allowed to marry). Love was for mistresses. Love in marriage has only been socially appropriate since the 17th-18th centuries.
Marriage as a "holy union" only came about somewhere around the 5th century, but it didn't become one of the Seven Sacraments until 1215. Still, it wasn't until the 16th century that weddings had to be preformed publicly by a priest. So... if you said you spoke vows with your hunny down by the creek, the world viewed you as married. (Does "Oh God! Oh God! Yes! Yes! ..... I love you", count as vows? Hehehe I guess I've been married a few times!) (source)
(And, tho this is a totally DIFFERENT argument, up until about the 12th century, the Catholic Church preformed male-bonding ceremonies... that's right, gay marriages. Google that shit!)
So considering that our idea of "traditional marriage" is only about 250 years old, and that this idea started drastically evolving in about the 1950's, this "tradition" only lasted about 190 years. Even if you're one of those ones who thinks that the earth is only a few thousand years old (NUTS!), the tradition that you cling to is relatively brief and new and dying.
I am just trying to state some facts here. I'm not trying to tell you what is right or wrong, what you should or shouldn't be, or what is better or worse. In fact, I'm not even a poly person.

OMG!! I'm a straight, mono-type person.

Cuz that's who I am. It doesn't make it right or wrong. It doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with what you are, or who you should be, or who and how you should love.
Hell, it might not even have anything to do with who I am tomorrow. ~shrug~
I just get agitated by people who cling to falsehoods and hold them up to measure the "wrongs" of others.
If you don't like it, mind your own fucking business.

So... I'm Sure You Think I DIED!!

I didn't.

I'm sure you think I quit blogging.. I uhhhhh didn't.

While my mother and my bff know where I've been, I'm not so in-your-face with the rest of the world... So.... I'm gonna tell you.

I've spent the last year on a BDSM site, and I blog there.

For quite a while, I've been wanting to cross post a few of my pieces, cuz YO! I'm a funny ass bitch and I write some good shit.

So.. there might be some taboo-ish stuff being posted here. My mom reads my blog so there will be no in-depth dialogues about my (non-existant) sex life.. But some ideas and thoughts might not be so mainstream.

That said, I'm going to post something that I wrote the other day, and it has been X-posted to Tandi's "Dear Fucktards" blog (She even added some cool pix and spruced it up and made it sexy) So I'm a start you guys off with that.

~ Smoochies

Precious Gifts

The last two weeks or so has been really hard on my friends. I have two friends about to lose their moms to strokes. Another friend just found out that his mom has lymphoma.

I feel like I'm a shitty friend. While these aren't super close friends, I've met and spent time with their moms. Both are fun, fabulous women. About a month ago, they both had a stroke in the same week. Both seemed to get better, and were sent home or to a rehab facility. Both have taken horrible turns for the worse. They aren't expected to make it much longer.

If these were close friends, I'd know what to do. As they aren't,  I sit back and send my love and happy thoughts, and cry for totally selfish reasons. Yes, I'm horribly sad for my friends, but I can't NOT think, "what if this was my mom?" That makes me a fucking wreck.

There are two thought places I just can't go, losing my son or losing my mother. If the worst were to happen... I can't imagine ever getting up off the floor. My brain just goes numb.

When I was younger, I couldn't imagine being an adult. I felt certain I would die before I was 18. When that didn't happen, I figured it would be before I was 21, simply because I couldn't imagine myself beyond that point. I now understand why I couldn't... and still don't consider myself a grown-up. But when I look at the "Don't Go There" places.. it's the same numb nothingness.

I don't know how to be there for my friends, as a secondary friend. (I don't say secondary like it's a bad thing.... that's simply the truth of it.) My place is not there, with them.. holding hands and being a shoulder to cry on. There are closer friends who belong there, and are. I just wish I could send my support in a more coherent, unguarded way. Unfortunately, my words of love and support are shallow and choppy because of the guarded place I go when thinking about their situation. It's so hard to turn off the personal aspects and make it all about them.

I've had life shattering loss before. There's nothing anyone can do for you. I don't know if people can give you enough support. I don't know that any support really helps. You have a process and you go through it. Hysteria, pain, the long period of numbness, grief and acceptance, then the healing. Charmin died 23 years ago this October... and I'm still healing. The period of numbness lasted the majority of my 8th grade year and I have very few memories if it. The healing has come in spurts. Many times I've felt that I was over it, then it all comes back. That's probably natural in this sort of situation.

I so badly want to tell them that they have a rare opportunity. While watching someone die slowly sucks beyond belief, it gives you the chance to make your peace with each other and express all the things that would haunt you if you couldn't. I didn't have this chance with Charmin. Her death was sudden and unexpected. I did get it with my grandfather and even though it was hard to see him lying in that hospital bed, knowing that I would never hear his voice again, knowing that I'd never get to tell him again how much I love him and hearing him tell me once last time that he loves me. Experiencing the last time I would EVER willingly let someone call me Krissy. Precious moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. Gifts. Each second is a precious, totally selfish, GIFT.

Use them well.

But I don't know how to relate that without sounding totally trite.

Talk Thursday: The Sweet Spot

Sure, when I thought of this topic, I was totally thinking sexual. Nothing wrong with that. I'm an incredibly sexual person, even though I don't get it that often. Maybe if I got it on a regular basis that would change. *shrug* If I ever get to test that theory, I'll let you know. *wink*

Despite my lack of sex life, I think I've hit "The Sweet Spot" in life. My diet is going great. At somewhere around 6 weeks, I've lost slightly over 31 pounds. I'm feeling confident. I feel good about myself. I feel like nothing can stop me. That's a good place to be.

But I am not my weight. Big or thin. I am a good person. I'm a good mom. I'm a good friend. I'm a good co-worker. I am thoughtful and inquisitive. I am a happy person. This is who I am, and I'm a great person to be. I don't know that I really, seriously ever felt otherwise, but I'm more certain now than ever.

I have always my moments. I do not ooze self-confidence. I have social anxieties. I have horrible taste in men. Maybe it's more that horrible men have a taste for me. Either way, it comes out the same in the end. In a sense, I guess this does define me. I have loving friends who are concerned about my perpetual state of "SINGLE". Yeah, at times... it SUCKS big, fat, hairy balls. My son deserves a positive male role model who is a daily influence in his life. I deserve a companion to share the laughs, the tears, and the stresses. And a sexual partner would be much appreciated. Social anxieties limit my interactions and opportunities to mingle with the opposite sex. *shrug* For the most part, I'm ok with this. Of course I am.... I'm giving in to, and protecting my anxieties. I get that. Believe it or not, I have a fairly good understanding of how I work. That said, I don't really know how to overcome it.

Sure, when I think about growing old alone, that really bites... When my son tells me how much he wishes he had a dad, that kills me. In those moments. I don't dwell on it. I can bitch "GODDAMN IT! I NEED TO GET LAID!!" Just like I would bitch, "GODDAMN IT! I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE CAKE!" I'm not depressed over it. I'm not miserable. It means I'm fucking horny (but I might settle for chocolate cake.... well these days, some sugar-free/fat-free chocolate pudding with some chocolate rice cakes). Plain and simple. I know plenty of married peoples who don't get the amount of sex they want. This has little to do with being single. I could have a shitty boyfriend, if I wanted one. I could get laid... if that's all I wanted (and if I had no standards). That's not what I want.

When I put up my protective cloak, I'm all "Men are stupid... Men are users and assholes and I hate them". I know that's not true. I know there are great guys out there. Unfortunately, at this point, they don't see me... or if they do, I can't see through my lack of self-confidence to notice. Yes, relationships, MARRIAGE, scare the shit out of me. Life has given me a healthy fear of trusting that much. It makes me afraid to approach it. That doesn't mean that I don't want it. Once I'm in it, I force myself to trust too much. I over compensate. Yeah, in that area... I'm pretty much a train wreck.

This really doesn't define me. I think about sex way more than I think about "Ohhh I'm so lonely." Really, I'm not that lonely. Yes, most of my social interaction is via the internet. I don't have many close friends in my physical life, but I have amazing friends that live on the other side of the world. And they mean the world to me. (Even the ones who aren't speaking to me right now.) I don't talk to my nearby friends every day... or even every week. This doesn't make me lonely. I could call or go to their house. I just don't. To be honest, I don't think we'd stay as close of friends if we spent that much time together. I have some friends that I could spend every moment of my life with, physically or via Skype, and others that I love just about as much because we DON'T spend that much time together. Both are important to me. Both are good for me.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I have my glitches. I have the things that, yeah, I wish were different or better. I wish I was a millionaire... But I'm not unhappy. I have a good life, and currently, it's just getting better and better.

I now have 3 pairs of panties that fit me properly, and I'm about a week and a half from a bunch of really cute lacy panties that have been taking up space in my drawer because I refused to give up on them. Maybe I'll find someone to appreciate them, maybe not. But I'll feel damn good while I'm wearing them. And that's what matters.

See, The Sweet Spot.

Prozzak - Be As

Diet: Day 18

15 pounds gone................. Buh-Bye!

I hate you. Please don't ever come back.

But you won't be lonely, there are some others of your kind that will be joining you soon enough.

My underwear fit different.

I'm not complaining.

I think it's kind of AWESOME!!!

TMI?

GET OVER IT!

When I lose all my 2 liters, I'm posting nudie pics!!

Relax mom, I didn't say "OF ME!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

ReWriting The Bible.......

“Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 6:1).

I'd like to believe that just as God supposedly dictated to Moses on the Mount, that this message too was of divine direction. I imagine the writing of it to have gone something like this....

Dude: Fuck? Sir, you sure you want to say "Fuck"?
God: Yes! F-U-C-K! Apparently, some people listen better if you drop the F-Bomb a few times.
Dude: Amen!
God: I should have written the whole fucking Book that way. Maybe these jackasses would get some of this shit right.
Dude: Word!

“And when you pray, you are not to be as the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full” (Matthew 6:5).

The New Word of the Streets version:

"And HOLY SHIT! When you pray, don't be a fucking hypocrite! Don't jump up and down screaming "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! GOD LOVES ME! AND I LOVE GOD! AND HE HATES YOU AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!" cuz you're a fucking douche bag! I gots no love for you!" (Matthew 6:5)

It's A Miracle!

There are these things.... that my brain can control and use to propel me. When they move quickly, I get places faster, and I sweat. It's a miracle.

I've started walking. I know, right? 36 years old, it's about fucking time, no?

Not only have I started walking, but I've done it twice now. TWICE!!! The first time I took Burp on a walk through our ghetto neighborhood. We walked probably close to a mile and a half in about 30ish minutes. I tripped on an uneven crack in the sidewalk, almost ate shit, didn't eat shit, and totally bent back a fingernail saving myself from eating shit. About which I swore loudly.

Burp: "But, did you break your mother's back?"
Me: "Are you freaking kidding me? I'm bleeding here! She's totally understand if I broke her damn back!"

He gave me that look that said, "I'm so telling grandma on you!"
Then a block later we saw suspicious types at the school, in the dark, with golf clubs..... So I called the non-emergent number for the police department. I'd rather be a dork and have them check out the school, than have a bunch of windows and what not broken out.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I told a friend about this and he looked at me like I was totally retarded. Is it less retarded if I said that this was probably getting close to 10 pm?

So, Burp and I will not be taking anymore midnight strolls through the hood.

Yesterday, we met an old friend we hadn't seen in years at a park, with his son. The boys played. Friend and I visited. We all went for a walk. The boys played more. We all went for another walk. It was fun.

My friends, who've moved themselves to the ends of the Earth, are trying to hook us up, I think. I've gotten the instructions, "You ask him to hang out again, BEFORE next weekend."

He's a good guy. Going through an icky divorce with a woman none of us ever liked. He's a good dad. Smart, to the side of geeky. Cute. Not someone I would break, physically or mentally. I've known him for about 11 years, and did at one time crush on him. However, *lol*, a little time to get reacquainted shouldn't be frowned upon. We haven't really seen each other much, at all, in the last 6 years or so.

At one point, he was play fighting with Burp and picked him up over his head. We all thought Burp was laughing, but when he put him down, he was in full-on hysterical panic mode. We all felt bad. I didn't make a big deal about it though. I spent the time pulling Burp out of it and reassuring him that I have no doubt, what-so-ever, that he was never in any danger. My friend felt like crap, and I was just honest. Burp's not had a guy play with him like that in YEARS. He kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I was just playing with him like I would my boys." ......................... Burps fears aside, I think that's pretty damn awesome.

We discovered, while we were at the park that Burp hadn't taken his meds yesterday. Yeah! So there wasn't a whole lot of listening and doing as he was told, going on. The "Friend" totally knows and understands Burp's issues. He didn't really seem annoyed or put off at all.

He has two sons, five and three. I haven't seen the five year old since he was a baby, and I've never met the youngest. (He's currently with his mom.) But Burp and the 5er got along fabulously. His son is absolutely adorable. Laughs a lot and is totally silly.

And though I said taking time to get reacquainted wouldn't be a bad thing, while we were walking.... I couldn't help thinking, "This is nice. I could do this."

He's totally my kind of guy. He's nerdy with computers. Loves LOTR and other geeky things of the sort. He, at one point, likened Burp to Sheldon Cooper. (hahaha)  Is into camping, fishing, and hunting. He isn't a drunk or a druggy. He did have a medicinal marijuana card for his neuropathy that he got getting chemo, or radiation therapy, when he had testicular cancer about 6 years ago, but he quit using it when the divorce started. He's fun, laid back, and he loves his boys.

So, I'm not opposed to this... Let's just see where it goes.

Ohhh yeah, but the important thing.... I walked... TWICE this weekend... and will hopefully do so today, as well!

Infuriation

It kind of sucks to not have a blog that your friends don't know about. Sometimes I need to work shit out, and here is really the best place, but there's always the worry that someone will read it, and it will make a situation that much worse.

At this point tho.... I need to get some shit out.

I have four very close friends. Two of them, though on different continents, I talk to every day via Skype and Facebook. Friend A has been my friend since 99. We've been coworkers twice, in roommate-ish situations several times, she was there when my son was born, and in general, a lot of good and bad times. Friend B is a newer friend, but I love her. Like Friend A, I can pretty much talk to her about anything.. and I really wish we had the personal experiences that I have with Friend A.

A and B were friends for a brief period. Very brief, like 2 or 3 weeks.

Then there was a fight. Sitting from where I was, I saw every gruesome step of it, and tried my best to divert it.

Friend B and I had been joking around and poking at someone, yeah to make a point.... but still with smiles on our faces. Friend A gave a thumbs up. Then that someone pouted about being poked at, and Friend A did a 180 and came out swinging. Actually, the swinging might have happened before the pouting even occurred. I don't know... Next thing I know, it's like A is calling B out, B is taunting A, and I know this is going to be a horrible bloody mess.

During this, both sides are messaging me. "What the fuck is her problem?", "I swear if she says one more thing, I'm never speaking to her again." "Is this bitch for real?" and so on. Then, as I'm trying to mitigate the situation, Friend A clams up and refuses to talk about it. "I don't feel the need to have a discussion every time I get irritated." *Slap!* (This says to me, "I don't care what you need to say. I don't care if you're trying to fix this. I don't care how you personally need to work through this, I just don't feel it's necessary.) She does this often. Everything gets riled up and then she just walks away from it and never again acknowledges that anything happened. Unfortunately, I'm NOT this kind of person.. If I don't work it out and get some closure, it sits there and festers.

So Friend A won't talk about it.
The next day, Friend B still wants to tell A off. I advise against it. It's not going to do any good, but only get uglier. I state that I don't need the drama and she replies something like, "I guess I'm just supposed to take the abuse because it makes your life easier."

I don't like guilt trips. And I called her on it with a "What the fuck is that?"

She hasn't talk to me since. It's been a weekish. She quit the FB group, unfriended Friend A, appears to have deleted me from her Skype, but not FB- though she seems to have gone invisible to me... I can see her posting messages to ppls posts.... but she's not speaking to me.

I'm upset. I miss her. But I'm angry that she would write me off because I don't want to be in the middle of this. The next day, before I realized she had deleted everyone, I sent her a message on Skype saying "I'm sorry if you're mad at me... I just thought that was a cheap shot...... and in my perfect world, you and Friend A would be friends and learn to deal with each other... but if that can't happen, I just don't want to be part of a bloody battle. It's not easy to sit back and see that neither side is innocent, and have both sides sending me messages like "WTF is her problem? She's really pissing me off"

I got no response.

My mom raised me that when you love someone, you accept their faults as well as their good points. That you should never try to change someone. If you can't deal with their faults, then you should walk away. Everyone has their faults. And sometimes those faults are hard to deal with, but the benefits I get from these friendships far out-weigh the bad aspects.

With Friend A, I understand why she is the way she is. Even if it infuriates me sometimes, I accept it. Friend B has her faults too, and I understand why she has them, and I accept her for them. I'm okay with them not being friends, though we have a lot of fun when we play together, but if they can't accept each others faults, understand where they come from, and get over it..... then they shouldn't be friends. But damn it, I should still be allowed to have my friends.

So I'm standing here holding this big ball of frustration. Friend A pretends the incident never happened, and Friend B pretends like I never existed. And I'm wondering where the hell the "give and take" is. Apparently, I'm the friend that isn't supposed to have needs and is just supposed to fall in line with the whims of those around her.

Well, news flash.

I can be your friend and still not support things that I don't feel are right.
I can be your friend and be irritated at you.

However, there is only so long that I can take being treated as though my feelings don't matter.
And you're both doing that to me.

Maybe you guys will read this, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll read this and get more pissed off. *Shrug* Sorry, I have needs too. And since neither of you want to work through this, this is how I have to get it out.
Maybe you'll read this and never acknowledge that you have. I suppose that's your choice. Maybe you'll actually want to talk to me about this because a week later, I'M STILL UPSET. Maybe because I appear to have lost a friend over this and I'm the only one who seems to care.

I think that's fucked up.

Three 2 Liters Down, Ohh Soo Many More To Go

One, I'm dieting.

Two, I found this website that said four pounds of fat is about the same size as a 2 liter of soda. It's hard to imagine that I'm carrying around probably 40 two liters of lard. That's insane.

In 15 days, I've lost at least 12 lbs. (I'd like to think slightly more than that because the last scale I had weighed myself on was my moms..... and it's always a little kinder to me than any others. I haven't made it back there to find out how much I've lost by that scale.)

The good news is that I have not, as of yet, killed anyone. Actually, this isn't so horrible. I'm having two meal replacement shakes, one low-fat, low-carb meal, and a few healthy snacks a day.

My shakes started as Body by Vi.. and if I could afford it, I'd keep using it. They taste good, and they are insanely good for you. I can not afford $50 every 15 days, so I bought a protein powder that is not nearly as good for me, but of course only costs about $12.... So my shakes have developed into this half scoop of protein powder, 2 generous tbsps of greek yogurt, a cup-ish of frozen berries, mango, and/or peaches, and a 1/4 of a banana. AND 2 tbsps of a fiber powder. (Don't laugh! Studies show that fiber helps you lose weight. My ass needs to lose weight.)

My dinner the last few days has been half a boneless skinless chicken breast on a Thinwich, a smidge of  reduced fat mayo (I could go fat free, but EWWWWW, I think I can spare 1g of fat!) sliced red onions, red pepper, and... if I'm feeling extra needy a thin slice of reduced fat cheddar. I usually have this with a cup of sliced raw mushrooms and a bit of fat free Catalina for dipping.

My snacks are plentiful. I pretty much let myself have free run of mushrooms. A cup is 60 calories of absolute goodness. I eat a lot of snap peas and tomatoes...... Ohhhh a fave snack I've developed is a can of whole chunk tuna (60 cal x2) a zesty pickle and a roma tomato diced, some red onion, and a carefully measured 2 tbspns of mayo... 180 cal/ 4g fat/ 11 carbs/ 24g protein. (Yes, the sodium is heart-stopping.... I will have to go down to a half can of tuna and half a pickle. *sigh*)Since I'm up for 18 hours a day, I have a shake when I first wake up at 3, a heavy snack (like the tuna)(or scrambled egg whites with mushrooms, broccoli, and red peppers) at 7pm before work, a 100 cal or less snack at about 11pm, my sandwich at about 1:30ish, and my second shake at about 5:30 am.

A fave snack I've found is sugar free Jello cups with lite canned fruit. I bought 1/2 cup containers, so no fudging the portions. Ben and I make up a whole bunch at once, and then we both have little yummy snacks of about 30ish calories. Yay TEAM!

My biggest hurdle was my coffee... I love my flavored, horribly sweetened, fatty creamers. I eased out of it. It's taken two weeks, but I'm now using Splenda and powdered non-fat creamer. It's NOT the same, and my coffee intake has decreased by half.... but I can still have my coffee.

I feel like I am constantly eating. Which is probably better than before.... On days that I worked, I did not eat when I woke up, but ate with Ben at 7 (usually a low fat, HIGH-carb meal), had a snack of potato chips around 11pm, and got something from the kitchen at work (usually involving french fries.. tho they do make a killer chef salad once a week) around 2 am. Then didn't eat again until 7pm when I made the kid dinner.... So yes, I'm being insanely conscious of fat and carbs, but I think it's just about as important that I'm eating on a regular basis, hopefully keeping my body from going into starvation mode.

My current goal is 20 lbs, with the option of renewal. Yes, realistically, I KNOW I need to lose about 160 lbs total.  (My "ideal" weight is about 140 lbs give or take 7) Do I think this is realistic for me? NO. I haven't weighed that little since I was in elementary school, I shit you not. I would put my realistic goals somewhere around 160 to 175. But that's still a big number, so I think I'm just going to take it 20 lbs at a time, with option for renewal. That isn't so overwhelming.

My next big hurdle is going to be exercise. I hate it. If you gave me a cake and said "You can eat this WHOLE thing, if you walk two miles afterwards." I'd say, "Fuck you and your cake." In the last 15 days, I exercised once, for 30 minutes. I KNOW this needs to change. It's the whole making it happen thing that I fail on. If I could afford a weight trainer, I'd do it, no problem. I keep appointments. I'm just no good at "OhhhhYAY!  It's time to be miserable." This weekend, my goal is to go walking. I've kind of half-heartedly found a way to encourage me to do it... Make walking dates. If someone is supposed to meet me somewhere at a certain time, I'll show up, rain or shine. Now I just have to make the dates. I've kind of got one tentatively planned for Sunday. I have two ppl I can call to make one for Saturday.... *Looks at the phone* I can do this..... lol

Yesterday, I noticed a size difference. YAY... in my ass.. I seem to be losing it all from my ass... How weird is that? But the butt of my pants are way baggy now.. I'm going to look funny walking around with big tits, big gut, and a little ass.

Dear Fat Gods,

           I have always been fairly well proportioned. Please don't fuck that up.  I would appreciate even weight loss, throughout the entirety of my body. Exercise will be that much more difficult if you throw off my balance... I'm very soon going to be (more) front heavy. This will also put MORE strain on my back. You don't want me to have MORE back problems, do you? Let work on EVEN weight loss..

           Please and Thank you,

           Psam

 The bottom line is... I'm not miserable. More than sweets, I've been craving fats. LIKE CHEESE. That's why I broke down and bought the reduced fat cheese. It's not as good, but it's not as BAD for me. I've had a few bitty pieces, when I first bought it, but it's sat there untouched for the last week. Not bad. I really find myself looking at calories, fat, and carbs and finding that it's just not worth it. Which is GOOD! It's there if I really, really want it... but so far, I've been pretty much deciding against it. (Same with the tub of Java Chip ice cream that's been in my freezer for 3 weeks.) And the Garlic Ritz crackers that taunt me from the pantry. It's there. I could have a little bit, and it won't KILL my diet... but at this point, it's just not worth it.

I think I'm doing ok. I -COULD- try a more drastic diet. But this one is manageable for me. I'm NOT miserable. In fact, I'm actually liking it. So, I'm good where I am. My outlook is shiny.

What more could I want?