When do you make your peace with the past, and when do you let sleeping dogs die?
I'm at a crossroads, and I'm not quite sure which path to take.. I tend to face these things head on, but this one- I'm hesitant.
My first step dad has just made a Facebook page... I don't want to be his friend... I don't want to try to get back what once was, but I feel a need to get things off my chest, and make my peace with it. That whole closure thing. But will I find closure, or just more disappointment?
This is 16+ years in the making... and though I'm finally over the anger, the wounds are deep and tender. Part of me says that I have the right to say my piece, the other part wonders if I'm just being selfish and if there is any point to it.
The shunned child in me wants to wait to see if he'll make a move.... He'll see me through Grandma and my cousin... but the logical me says that this will only re-create the anger if he doesn't make that move.
I'll sit on it... I know this can't be a choice I make on the fly.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Life Is About Compromises
Last night, he offered up an agreement... If I learn to tolerate Jim Carey, he will learn to love Green Day.
On one hand, I'm like, how hard can it be to love Green Day? Everyone, by all rights, should love Green Day. And, for a second, I kinda think I'm getting the shit-end of the stick, but then - I do only have to tolerate Jim Carey, and Will Ferrell wasn't even mentioned.
Then I blew his socks off. He tells me that he named his son because of this skating movie he used to watch when he was younger.. I said, "Gleaming the Cube? I loved that movie." His jaw dropped and he told me I was amazing... which he's damned fucking right I am! Bout time he started acknowledging it.. hahaha no he always does.
Gosh.... I need to name him for you guys... sheesh.. Mr Three Doors Down is just too time consuming... I'll have to think about this one.
On one hand, I'm like, how hard can it be to love Green Day? Everyone, by all rights, should love Green Day. And, for a second, I kinda think I'm getting the shit-end of the stick, but then - I do only have to tolerate Jim Carey, and Will Ferrell wasn't even mentioned.
Then I blew his socks off. He tells me that he named his son because of this skating movie he used to watch when he was younger.. I said, "Gleaming the Cube? I loved that movie." His jaw dropped and he told me I was amazing... which he's damned fucking right I am! Bout time he started acknowledging it.. hahaha no he always does.
Gosh.... I need to name him for you guys... sheesh.. Mr Three Doors Down is just too time consuming... I'll have to think about this one.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Talk Thursday: What I Learned This Summer
*sigh*
First, as hard as this is to admit, I've learned.... I'm not always right. Mom, Tandy..... save this... I don't admit it very often.
Specifically, the 5 Truths of Life.... are general rules of thumb, not written in stone, handed down to Moses on tablets on some mountain out in the middle of nowhere. Men are not all stupid, straight forward, and simple. Some are deep and complicated.
Next, it's okay to have fears... but fear can't rule your life, can't keep you from hoping and dreaming. And it's okay to voice it. Saying it out loud doesn't give your fear life... it doesn't jinx your hopes.
My mom raised me to believe that you can't go into a relationship with the hope of "fixing" the things you don't like about someone. You love the faults just as much as the positives.... In the past, I just walked away when I came up against those things I couldn't love... Now, I know I can at least wait, and give him time to sort his crap out. Be strong and patient, and be there when he needs me, but don't push... he needs to do this on his own.. and I know that he's trying and wants too.
I'm trying to not be so insecure. To have faith. I know he needs to come into this as a man..a whole man.... and that is what's holding him up... but these things take time. It's hard to let go of the past, even harder to let go of fears. And he has fears of his own.
I've learned that I'm an impatient person, but I'm trying to relax and take things a day at a time. What's the rush? We have the rest of our lives.
I swore I'd never get married... I thought I was too old to have another baby... He makes me hope and dream...
It's just a matter of time.
It's been one of the greatest summers of my life.
And Tandy, I love you... and I just want you to know that I'm so happy.. even when I'm worried.. I'm so happy. And I don't feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life.. I feel like I'm putting in the time and securing my future. I feel like I just woke up from a long, long hibernation.
Thank you for listening, even when you're sick of it.. Thank you for telling me I'm being stupid, even when I don't want to hear it. Thank you for worrying about me, even if it hurts my feelings... it still warms me with love to know that you care enough to say so.
First, as hard as this is to admit, I've learned.... I'm not always right. Mom, Tandy..... save this... I don't admit it very often.
Specifically, the 5 Truths of Life.... are general rules of thumb, not written in stone, handed down to Moses on tablets on some mountain out in the middle of nowhere. Men are not all stupid, straight forward, and simple. Some are deep and complicated.
Next, it's okay to have fears... but fear can't rule your life, can't keep you from hoping and dreaming. And it's okay to voice it. Saying it out loud doesn't give your fear life... it doesn't jinx your hopes.
My mom raised me to believe that you can't go into a relationship with the hope of "fixing" the things you don't like about someone. You love the faults just as much as the positives.... In the past, I just walked away when I came up against those things I couldn't love... Now, I know I can at least wait, and give him time to sort his crap out. Be strong and patient, and be there when he needs me, but don't push... he needs to do this on his own.. and I know that he's trying and wants too.
I'm trying to not be so insecure. To have faith. I know he needs to come into this as a man..a whole man.... and that is what's holding him up... but these things take time. It's hard to let go of the past, even harder to let go of fears. And he has fears of his own.
I've learned that I'm an impatient person, but I'm trying to relax and take things a day at a time. What's the rush? We have the rest of our lives.
I swore I'd never get married... I thought I was too old to have another baby... He makes me hope and dream...
It's just a matter of time.
It's been one of the greatest summers of my life.
And Tandy, I love you... and I just want you to know that I'm so happy.. even when I'm worried.. I'm so happy. And I don't feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life.. I feel like I'm putting in the time and securing my future. I feel like I just woke up from a long, long hibernation.
Thank you for listening, even when you're sick of it.. Thank you for telling me I'm being stupid, even when I don't want to hear it. Thank you for worrying about me, even if it hurts my feelings... it still warms me with love to know that you care enough to say so.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
We Have Achieved Baby!!!!
"Alexander Henry Douglas Fowler was born at 23:08 on the 25th of August 2010, weighing 3740g and 40-something centimeters in length ." - Simon, Sandra's Labour Blog.
I'm so glad it's over, that was a long 48 hours... and I wasn't even the one trying to birth a baby.
All my love goes out to Sandra, Simon, and little baby Xander.
A little song for them......
I'm so glad it's over, that was a long 48 hours... and I wasn't even the one trying to birth a baby.
All my love goes out to Sandra, Simon, and little baby Xander.
A little song for them......
OMG... GOING NUTS!!!!
Woke up this morning to find that an hour and a half ago Sandra was taken to surgery. I've been through it, I know she's going to be fine... but there's that part of me that's freaking the fuck out.
I don't really believe much in prayer, and she believes in it even less.... but I find myself sending up good thoughts.... Trying not to cry.. Holy crap cookies.. it's been and hour and a half.... for fucksake Sandra, do you have to be half a world away?
She'd laugh at me and roll her eyes if she could hear the panic in my brain right now... the bitch.
I don't really believe much in prayer, and she believes in it even less.... but I find myself sending up good thoughts.... Trying not to cry.. Holy crap cookies.. it's been and hour and a half.... for fucksake Sandra, do you have to be half a world away?
She'd laugh at me and roll her eyes if she could hear the panic in my brain right now... the bitch.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Still No Baby....
*sigh*
I'm feeling very bad for Sandra.... She had an amazing little machine called a TENS that sent electronic pulsey-shock things that blocked the pain of the contractions... it has shorted out... now she has morphine. lol
It's been something like 20 hours of contractions 5 to 2 minutes apart.. and last update, they'd FINALLY checked her.. and she's effacing, but it sounds like she isn't dilating much yet.
Hang in there girl! This is the reason there are so many of us poor, lonely only children in the world.
Love ya!
Ohhh-- when I told Burp her water broke... he panicked.... concerned because they were at the hospital. When I explained to him what the term meant and the process and all -he gave a HUGE sigh of relief... Then explained that he's thought their pipes had burst at home and was concerned because they weren't there to do anything about it. lol
I'm feeling very bad for Sandra.... She had an amazing little machine called a TENS that sent electronic pulsey-shock things that blocked the pain of the contractions... it has shorted out... now she has morphine. lol
It's been something like 20 hours of contractions 5 to 2 minutes apart.. and last update, they'd FINALLY checked her.. and she's effacing, but it sounds like she isn't dilating much yet.
Hang in there girl! This is the reason there are so many of us poor, lonely only children in the world.
Love ya!
Ohhh-- when I told Burp her water broke... he panicked.... concerned because they were at the hospital. When I explained to him what the term meant and the process and all -he gave a HUGE sigh of relief... Then explained that he's thought their pipes had burst at home and was concerned because they weren't there to do anything about it. lol
Monday, August 23, 2010
Talk Thursday: Growing Up
I remember when his head was the size of an orange... Now that head is much bigger, has had surgery once, stitches once, and staples once...probably needs braces, has never had a cavity, and he still won't let me pierce it.. or color his hair, or even spike it... LOL if he didn't look so much like me, I'd think maybe there was a swap at birth!
Music has been very important in my life ever since i was about 5 and my mom gave me a little record player and all of her old 45's. I'd spend hours in my room playing DJ and rocking out to Three Dog Night, Grass Roots, and Joan Jett. Most of the mile stones of my life are marked by songs... either the song that happened to be playing or the one that seems to bring back certain memories.
Every time I vacuum, I think of Pat Benatar. When I see a crappy old VW Bug, I think of Supertramps' Take The Long Way Home. Forever, hearing the Dixie Cup's Going to the Chapel will remind me of my teen years and long drives with my mom singing at the top of our lungs. 4p.m.'s Sukiyaki will always remind me of Corey.... every time that damn song came on the radio we'd break up... lol! Memories of my cousin Tiffany will always play to the sound of Club Nouveau or Morris Day and the Time. I dislocated my knee the first time dancing the Humpty Dance. Being wheeled in for knee surgery, high on Valium, I sang Dopeman at the top of my lungs. The summer after senior year, my girls and I cruised town blaring Salt n' Pepa. The summer I came back from Canada it was Nelly. Ryan will forever be Social Distortion's Ball and Chain or Treetop Flyer by Stephen Stills. Maybe that's why Burp's dad and I didn't last long... we didn't have music... oh and he was a CHUMP! My new guy and I spend hours every night listening to the music we love.
When Burp was born, I was determined that he would be born into a world of good music. I INSISTED that music be playing in the room when he came out, either Our Lady Peace or Metallica. And though I ended up having an emergency C-Section, while he was being born in the surgery suite, music was playing back in my room.
To my mom's dismay, the first song I ever sang to him was Guttermouth's Lipstick. (We were on a long car ride and he was crying and my mom said, "SING TO HIM!!!" and my mind went blank.) Maybe this explains why he always covers my mouth when I sing to him. From about 3 months on we discovered the only thing that would get him to stop crying was Metallica's Whiskey in the Jar. At about 2, the only way I could get him to take an afternoon nap was to put him into the car and play Puddle of Mudd's Control.
Being a child born into a musically eclectic household, I shouldn't be too alarmed when he's listening to Hannah Montana or comes home singing Lady Gag-a.. though she makes me cringe... After the Chipmunks movie he went around singing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!".... that was a little embarrassing.
I'm ok with the Jonas Brothers... I actually like them too! lol... He likes Jesse McCartney maybe a little too much... but the Green Day and Jason Mraz makes up for it.
And he thinks Taylor Swift is hot. LOL He's growing up.
It'll be interesting to see how music shapes and defines his life as it has mine.
Music has been very important in my life ever since i was about 5 and my mom gave me a little record player and all of her old 45's. I'd spend hours in my room playing DJ and rocking out to Three Dog Night, Grass Roots, and Joan Jett. Most of the mile stones of my life are marked by songs... either the song that happened to be playing or the one that seems to bring back certain memories.
Every time I vacuum, I think of Pat Benatar. When I see a crappy old VW Bug, I think of Supertramps' Take The Long Way Home. Forever, hearing the Dixie Cup's Going to the Chapel will remind me of my teen years and long drives with my mom singing at the top of our lungs. 4p.m.'s Sukiyaki will always remind me of Corey.... every time that damn song came on the radio we'd break up... lol! Memories of my cousin Tiffany will always play to the sound of Club Nouveau or Morris Day and the Time. I dislocated my knee the first time dancing the Humpty Dance. Being wheeled in for knee surgery, high on Valium, I sang Dopeman at the top of my lungs. The summer after senior year, my girls and I cruised town blaring Salt n' Pepa. The summer I came back from Canada it was Nelly. Ryan will forever be Social Distortion's Ball and Chain or Treetop Flyer by Stephen Stills. Maybe that's why Burp's dad and I didn't last long... we didn't have music... oh and he was a CHUMP! My new guy and I spend hours every night listening to the music we love.
When Burp was born, I was determined that he would be born into a world of good music. I INSISTED that music be playing in the room when he came out, either Our Lady Peace or Metallica. And though I ended up having an emergency C-Section, while he was being born in the surgery suite, music was playing back in my room.
To my mom's dismay, the first song I ever sang to him was Guttermouth's Lipstick. (We were on a long car ride and he was crying and my mom said, "SING TO HIM!!!" and my mind went blank.) Maybe this explains why he always covers my mouth when I sing to him. From about 3 months on we discovered the only thing that would get him to stop crying was Metallica's Whiskey in the Jar. At about 2, the only way I could get him to take an afternoon nap was to put him into the car and play Puddle of Mudd's Control.
Being a child born into a musically eclectic household, I shouldn't be too alarmed when he's listening to Hannah Montana or comes home singing Lady Gag-a.. though she makes me cringe... After the Chipmunks movie he went around singing "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!".... that was a little embarrassing.
I'm ok with the Jonas Brothers... I actually like them too! lol... He likes Jesse McCartney maybe a little too much... but the Green Day and Jason Mraz makes up for it.
And he thinks Taylor Swift is hot. LOL He's growing up.
It'll be interesting to see how music shapes and defines his life as it has mine.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Another Soundtrack Day!!!!
I don't care what anyone says... this is an awesome song...
Nick Jonas and the Administration- Who I Am
Staind - It's Been Awhile yeah.... they'd probably DIE if they knew they were in the same playlist as Nick Jonas...and came second.. haha Ohhhhh well.
Moist - Breathe ...... If only I could breathe what you breathe.. if only I could see what you see..... Canadian.....
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris .... 'nuff said.
Tal Bachman - She's So High ... Daddy was the Bachman in the Bachman, Turner Overdrive... a fun tune I picked up living in Canada.. LOVE IT!!
Musically Canada was a great experience for me... I found great bands like this one... The Tea Party - The Massenger No not the crazy political group.. This guys voice is captivating!!!
wow.... maybe I'm just in the mood for good music I haven't heard in a long time.... Here's another great Canadian Band... Econoline Crush - You Don't Know What It's Like ... another angsty song that speaks to the soul!!
I just have to say.. I miss Much Music... so much better than MTV ever dreamed of being... and it actually showed videos instead of stupid reality shows that no one gives a damn about!
Nick Jonas and the Administration- Who I Am
Staind - It's Been Awhile yeah.... they'd probably DIE if they knew they were in the same playlist as Nick Jonas...and came second.. haha Ohhhhh well.
Moist - Breathe ...... If only I could breathe what you breathe.. if only I could see what you see..... Canadian.....
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris .... 'nuff said.
Tal Bachman - She's So High ... Daddy was the Bachman in the Bachman, Turner Overdrive... a fun tune I picked up living in Canada.. LOVE IT!!
Musically Canada was a great experience for me... I found great bands like this one... The Tea Party - The Massenger No not the crazy political group.. This guys voice is captivating!!!
wow.... maybe I'm just in the mood for good music I haven't heard in a long time.... Here's another great Canadian Band... Econoline Crush - You Don't Know What It's Like ... another angsty song that speaks to the soul!!
I just have to say.. I miss Much Music... so much better than MTV ever dreamed of being... and it actually showed videos instead of stupid reality shows that no one gives a damn about!
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