Every year just seems to go faster.
I pretend I don't hear that clock ticking. I'm almost 34. Crazy. Growing up I never thought I'd live past 21. Sure I had all sorts of dreams and goals for life past that; Marriage, I wanted tons of kids, I wanted a career in forensic pathology. Despite that, I could never really picture myself as an adult so rationale said I probably wouldn't ever be one. Here I am. An adult, of sorts. I've been semi-secretly in love with a married doctor for three years (sadly, that's probably my longest relationship ever)(And I know if I did believe in Hell that alone would put me on a fast track for a fiery eternity). Single parent to one child (which is way better than a single parent to 12 children). And the closest I got to the career I wanted is Sunday On Demand marathons of CSI and NCIS.
Dreams and goals adapt to real life. Though it's not forensic pathology, I love the challenge and stress of my job. A good day keeps me on my toes and gives me the chance to shine. I know I'm damn good at my job. Marriage is something that time has definitely changed my views on. It's not something I long for though I miss being in a relationship. I suppose that there is the deeply hidden wish that I could find that Mr. Right who could make me forget my doubts and who I could place all my trust in.... I have trust issues. Hell, I apparently have Mr. Right issues. These days Mr Right is a smart, fun loving dad of, hopefully, two younger children...... I don't exactly feel the need to go through the whole baby stage again, though it does make me occasionally blue that I'll never give my mom a granddaughter.
When I was pregnant with Burp, I was so terrified that I would have a girl. I was never a girly girl, what the hell would I do with a girl? Because I was so afraid of it, I became certain that The Fates would give me a girl. By the time I found out I was having a boy, I'd pretty much gotten used to the idea of a girl. I even had a name picked, Rosslyn Calista - after my grandma and mom. Tick, tick, tick...... Now Burp is 8 and I can't really imagine starting that whole thing over. Sure he wants me to have a baby and has since he was old enough to say so, but he also wants a dad or a puppy, not necessarily in that order.
Dreams adapt... I would love to do foster care. Too many kids out there need good homes, be it for a day or a lifetime. I could do that. It breaks my heart to hear what some foster homes are like. Unfortunately, I'm not in a place in life where I can give my child everything I want to give him, I don't think it would be fair to him to spread things even more thin. Ever seen the movie, "Yours, Mine, and Ours"? That's the dream life. Unfortunately, I have no secret talents that will suddenly make me independently wealthy. Nor do I see some greatly successful old sweetheart coming back into my life..... I don't think there are any. haha
I wonder where life will take me over the next 10 years? Burp will have graduated from high school, hopefully be in his first year of college, and my baby making years will certainly be over... Then what?
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"When I was pregnant with Burp, I was so terrified that I would have a girl. I was never a girly girl, what the hell would I do with a girl?"
That is Simon's exact feelings on having a boy. And amusingly, I feel certain I'm going to have a boy just because Simon and I would really vastly prefer a girl. I mean, Murphy's Law, right?
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