It's been an interesting 2 weeks....

I found out one of my best friends is pregnant after years of yearning and trying. I'm so excited for her.. I want to start knitting and, though she's a world away, my greatest desire is to rub her belly and talk to Baby. I'm sure she's already got Baby listening to classical and I'm immensely regretful that I can't sneak some Metalica in there. (Though I will burn you a copy of Whiskey in the Jar, because we both know what a life saver that can be.) I was waiting til the 3 month mark to tell Burp, but he saw the pic of the test on your blog. "What's that?" he asked, "How do you make it play??"
"That doesn't play. That's, well, a pregnancy test." I answered.
"Oh? Who's pregnant?" he asked.
"Well, Aunt Tandy's pregnant."
"WHAT? HOW THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN?" The look on his face was priceless.... like I'd just told him Aunt Tandy laid an egg.

* * *

I got to go home for Christmas. YAY!! It was nice. Every year or so I need that Florence recharge. A few interesting things happened there.

Apparently, not only is my father speaking to me again... but he has a business proposition for me. My step mom and I should start an adult fostercare. We'd have 4 or 5 residents and I would live there and work at night, step mommy will work days. All I have to do is tuck them in at night and be there, and ta-dah! I'll make $3,500 a month........... What the hell kind of idiot do they take me for???? WTF.
First, you don't just tuck them in...... You wipe asses, and if you don't, you get turned into the State.
Then, they die at night..... They tried to tell me this isn't true.... but I work in an ER. They forget they can't walk, get up to go to the bathroom, fall down, break a hip, piss themselves, then go to the ER to die.
And, do I really want to raise my child, my ADHD/ Severely anxious child in a house full of dying old people?
And, Who the hell wants to live at their work?
And, MOST importantly, I DON'T LIKE SICK OLD PEOPLE!!! 1) You have to yell at them. 2) They're rude. 3) They say weird shit, 4) They do weird shit.

Old people are crotchety and cranky and will shit on the floor just to spite you. I've seen it... and smelled it! And nothing smells worse than old person shit.

* * *

Speaking of old people saying weird shit... Picture this... I'm at my mom's on Christmas Day. Carols playing in the background. The smell of turkey wafting in from the kitchen. Lights twinkling on the tree. Sitting in the front room talking to the Grandmas (which is really my grandma and her best friend who we adopted as grandma several Christmases ago- henceforth to be called BatShitCrazy grandma) We're talking about the weather and how cold it's been and BatShitCrazy says, "The only time I've been warm in the last few weeks is in the shower when I put the massager on my pussy. That's nice. Warm."
---- Yes, she SAID pussy. PUSSY!
My dear sweet grandma does the only thing she can, completely fucking ignores it.
My eyes are bugging the fuck out of my head and stupidly say, "Wha...?"
And as my 8 year old son walks into the room she says... "Pussy dear. You have one. Don't you like to make yours feel good too?"

I did the only thing I could, I completely fucking ignored it.

Pussy, indeed.

* * *

I am apparently not the black sheep of my dad's family. Currently, at least, I would appear to be the golden child. My dad's family is kind of messed up.

My dad recently got arrested for domestic violence, or some shit. The story goes that he and my step mom got into an argument, he may or may not have smacked her. She threatened to call his boss, which is her new weapon, and went into the other room to make the call, so my brilliant father unplugged the phone. Well my esteemed step mommy was really calling  911, and unplugging such is some sort of federal crime. Daddy went to jail and then couldn't go home for a week or two. He got to stay with my Good aunt.

My Good aunt is going through her own ordeal. She has two businesses, and during Christmas time she has a third, selling Christmas Trees. Just after Thanksgiving her boyfriend of two years gave her an ultimatum. Her son or him. As any good mother would do, she chose her son.... Who recently got medical discharge from the Army for ...... sleepwalking. (LAME) J moved back to mommy's and has proceeded to do absolutely nothing. J was living with her and working part-time for room and board and mooches money off of her constantly. (Can I say that him working for her consists of him sitting behind a counter improperly ringing up people's purchases?) Half the time he can't finish his shift because he's got insomnia and is tired, or his stomach hurts, or he just doesn't feel good. But of course doesn't go see a doctor. When her boyfriend left, J moved out too. So now she's all by herself.

I have another aunt. She's my dad's oldest sister. (I think she's a little evil.) She's the angry-at-the-world-no-personality-fat-and-grumpy kind of bull dyke. Except I think the stereotypical bull dyke has short manly hair and she doesn't. It's long and black and straight. Severe. That's what I'd call her in every way. And she wears black androgynous clothing and never smiles.  It's never discussed that she is a lesbian, though about 15 years ago she had a girl "friend" that she brought around for awhile.... She has decided that she will not be coming to Florence anymore for holidays. She doesn't feel it's fair that she always has to do the traveling, therefore if the family wants to see her, they have to drive the 2+ hours to visit her. (Nevermind that she has a government job with government holidays and the Good One has a business that's open 365 days a year.) She doesn't have room for any of us to stay with her, so everyone will have to get motel rooms or make it a one day round trip. Also, she has suddenly in her mid-50's become allergic to everything, so she will be offering  sugar-lactose-gluten-free meal. ENJOY!

Ohhhh and, she has decided that grandma is too old to maintain the apartment building that the Evil One will one day inherit, and so for Christmas her one true wish is that grandma would let her take over the management of the apartments. She will plan to come down for several weeks to train with (and stay with) grandma but she requires that grandma have the carpets professionally cleaned, the walls and ceilings wiped down, new linens for her room, and as she has quit smoking she will require that they smoke outside while she is there..... "If you really love me mom, you will let me prove myself to you. I can do this!"

The holidays saw both of my brother's back in jail. I'll call them Gimpy and Stinky, cuz one has cerebral palsy and the other doesn't bathe. Gimpy, who's been on parole and doing good for the last two years (since the dumb ass took a taxi to rob a bank and did 5 years in fed pen), got in a fight with his woman, smacked her (sound familiar?), was so distraught over it that he went out and got high ruining 2 years sobriety, and got arrested while being administered to by a hooker. Stinky got some sort of drug charges but still has custody of his kid (great system, huh?).

The Good One, grandma, and I went out for lunch and talked and stuff. Nothing too exciting. I thought grandma was going to cry at one point, but over all we had a good visit and I spent Christmas Eve with them (my dad couldn't make it). Grandma hugged Burp and I like a million times and they both kept telling me what a good mom I am and how proud they are of me. The Good One said she'd tell my dad to leave me alone about the adult foster care thing and that he's fucking crazy if he thinks I should give up my job with it's benefits for that crap.

I have to say, it feels really good to be the Golden Child for once, though a rusted spoon would shine like a scepter in this family.

* * *

I'll leave you with one more little hahaha from BatShitCrazy......

Same day, same setting... BatShitCrazy leans over to grandma.

"Her nose is pierced twice."

Grandma murmurs an agreement.

"Her lip is pierced."

Again grandma agrees.

"What else do you think she has pierced?"

Grandma groans.

I wave. "Hello, I can hear you. I'm right here!"

BatShitCrazy...."I'm just sayin..."