Diet: Day 18

15 pounds gone................. Buh-Bye!

I hate you. Please don't ever come back.

But you won't be lonely, there are some others of your kind that will be joining you soon enough.

My underwear fit different.

I'm not complaining.

I think it's kind of AWESOME!!!

TMI?

GET OVER IT!

When I lose all my 2 liters, I'm posting nudie pics!!

Relax mom, I didn't say "OF ME!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

ReWriting The Bible.......

“Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 6:1).

I'd like to believe that just as God supposedly dictated to Moses on the Mount, that this message too was of divine direction. I imagine the writing of it to have gone something like this....

Dude: Fuck? Sir, you sure you want to say "Fuck"?
God: Yes! F-U-C-K! Apparently, some people listen better if you drop the F-Bomb a few times.
Dude: Amen!
God: I should have written the whole fucking Book that way. Maybe these jackasses would get some of this shit right.
Dude: Word!

“And when you pray, you are not to be as the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full” (Matthew 6:5).

The New Word of the Streets version:

"And HOLY SHIT! When you pray, don't be a fucking hypocrite! Don't jump up and down screaming "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! GOD LOVES ME! AND I LOVE GOD! AND HE HATES YOU AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!" cuz you're a fucking douche bag! I gots no love for you!" (Matthew 6:5)

It's A Miracle!

There are these things.... that my brain can control and use to propel me. When they move quickly, I get places faster, and I sweat. It's a miracle.

I've started walking. I know, right? 36 years old, it's about fucking time, no?

Not only have I started walking, but I've done it twice now. TWICE!!! The first time I took Burp on a walk through our ghetto neighborhood. We walked probably close to a mile and a half in about 30ish minutes. I tripped on an uneven crack in the sidewalk, almost ate shit, didn't eat shit, and totally bent back a fingernail saving myself from eating shit. About which I swore loudly.

Burp: "But, did you break your mother's back?"
Me: "Are you freaking kidding me? I'm bleeding here! She's totally understand if I broke her damn back!"

He gave me that look that said, "I'm so telling grandma on you!"
Then a block later we saw suspicious types at the school, in the dark, with golf clubs..... So I called the non-emergent number for the police department. I'd rather be a dork and have them check out the school, than have a bunch of windows and what not broken out.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I told a friend about this and he looked at me like I was totally retarded. Is it less retarded if I said that this was probably getting close to 10 pm?

So, Burp and I will not be taking anymore midnight strolls through the hood.

Yesterday, we met an old friend we hadn't seen in years at a park, with his son. The boys played. Friend and I visited. We all went for a walk. The boys played more. We all went for another walk. It was fun.

My friends, who've moved themselves to the ends of the Earth, are trying to hook us up, I think. I've gotten the instructions, "You ask him to hang out again, BEFORE next weekend."

He's a good guy. Going through an icky divorce with a woman none of us ever liked. He's a good dad. Smart, to the side of geeky. Cute. Not someone I would break, physically or mentally. I've known him for about 11 years, and did at one time crush on him. However, *lol*, a little time to get reacquainted shouldn't be frowned upon. We haven't really seen each other much, at all, in the last 6 years or so.

At one point, he was play fighting with Burp and picked him up over his head. We all thought Burp was laughing, but when he put him down, he was in full-on hysterical panic mode. We all felt bad. I didn't make a big deal about it though. I spent the time pulling Burp out of it and reassuring him that I have no doubt, what-so-ever, that he was never in any danger. My friend felt like crap, and I was just honest. Burp's not had a guy play with him like that in YEARS. He kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I was just playing with him like I would my boys." ......................... Burps fears aside, I think that's pretty damn awesome.

We discovered, while we were at the park that Burp hadn't taken his meds yesterday. Yeah! So there wasn't a whole lot of listening and doing as he was told, going on. The "Friend" totally knows and understands Burp's issues. He didn't really seem annoyed or put off at all.

He has two sons, five and three. I haven't seen the five year old since he was a baby, and I've never met the youngest. (He's currently with his mom.) But Burp and the 5er got along fabulously. His son is absolutely adorable. Laughs a lot and is totally silly.

And though I said taking time to get reacquainted wouldn't be a bad thing, while we were walking.... I couldn't help thinking, "This is nice. I could do this."

He's totally my kind of guy. He's nerdy with computers. Loves LOTR and other geeky things of the sort. He, at one point, likened Burp to Sheldon Cooper. (hahaha)  Is into camping, fishing, and hunting. He isn't a drunk or a druggy. He did have a medicinal marijuana card for his neuropathy that he got getting chemo, or radiation therapy, when he had testicular cancer about 6 years ago, but he quit using it when the divorce started. He's fun, laid back, and he loves his boys.

So, I'm not opposed to this... Let's just see where it goes.

Ohhh yeah, but the important thing.... I walked... TWICE this weekend... and will hopefully do so today, as well!

Infuriation

It kind of sucks to not have a blog that your friends don't know about. Sometimes I need to work shit out, and here is really the best place, but there's always the worry that someone will read it, and it will make a situation that much worse.

At this point tho.... I need to get some shit out.

I have four very close friends. Two of them, though on different continents, I talk to every day via Skype and Facebook. Friend A has been my friend since 99. We've been coworkers twice, in roommate-ish situations several times, she was there when my son was born, and in general, a lot of good and bad times. Friend B is a newer friend, but I love her. Like Friend A, I can pretty much talk to her about anything.. and I really wish we had the personal experiences that I have with Friend A.

A and B were friends for a brief period. Very brief, like 2 or 3 weeks.

Then there was a fight. Sitting from where I was, I saw every gruesome step of it, and tried my best to divert it.

Friend B and I had been joking around and poking at someone, yeah to make a point.... but still with smiles on our faces. Friend A gave a thumbs up. Then that someone pouted about being poked at, and Friend A did a 180 and came out swinging. Actually, the swinging might have happened before the pouting even occurred. I don't know... Next thing I know, it's like A is calling B out, B is taunting A, and I know this is going to be a horrible bloody mess.

During this, both sides are messaging me. "What the fuck is her problem?", "I swear if she says one more thing, I'm never speaking to her again." "Is this bitch for real?" and so on. Then, as I'm trying to mitigate the situation, Friend A clams up and refuses to talk about it. "I don't feel the need to have a discussion every time I get irritated." *Slap!* (This says to me, "I don't care what you need to say. I don't care if you're trying to fix this. I don't care how you personally need to work through this, I just don't feel it's necessary.) She does this often. Everything gets riled up and then she just walks away from it and never again acknowledges that anything happened. Unfortunately, I'm NOT this kind of person.. If I don't work it out and get some closure, it sits there and festers.

So Friend A won't talk about it.
The next day, Friend B still wants to tell A off. I advise against it. It's not going to do any good, but only get uglier. I state that I don't need the drama and she replies something like, "I guess I'm just supposed to take the abuse because it makes your life easier."

I don't like guilt trips. And I called her on it with a "What the fuck is that?"

She hasn't talk to me since. It's been a weekish. She quit the FB group, unfriended Friend A, appears to have deleted me from her Skype, but not FB- though she seems to have gone invisible to me... I can see her posting messages to ppls posts.... but she's not speaking to me.

I'm upset. I miss her. But I'm angry that she would write me off because I don't want to be in the middle of this. The next day, before I realized she had deleted everyone, I sent her a message on Skype saying "I'm sorry if you're mad at me... I just thought that was a cheap shot...... and in my perfect world, you and Friend A would be friends and learn to deal with each other... but if that can't happen, I just don't want to be part of a bloody battle. It's not easy to sit back and see that neither side is innocent, and have both sides sending me messages like "WTF is her problem? She's really pissing me off"

I got no response.

My mom raised me that when you love someone, you accept their faults as well as their good points. That you should never try to change someone. If you can't deal with their faults, then you should walk away. Everyone has their faults. And sometimes those faults are hard to deal with, but the benefits I get from these friendships far out-weigh the bad aspects.

With Friend A, I understand why she is the way she is. Even if it infuriates me sometimes, I accept it. Friend B has her faults too, and I understand why she has them, and I accept her for them. I'm okay with them not being friends, though we have a lot of fun when we play together, but if they can't accept each others faults, understand where they come from, and get over it..... then they shouldn't be friends. But damn it, I should still be allowed to have my friends.

So I'm standing here holding this big ball of frustration. Friend A pretends the incident never happened, and Friend B pretends like I never existed. And I'm wondering where the hell the "give and take" is. Apparently, I'm the friend that isn't supposed to have needs and is just supposed to fall in line with the whims of those around her.

Well, news flash.

I can be your friend and still not support things that I don't feel are right.
I can be your friend and be irritated at you.

However, there is only so long that I can take being treated as though my feelings don't matter.
And you're both doing that to me.

Maybe you guys will read this, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll read this and get more pissed off. *Shrug* Sorry, I have needs too. And since neither of you want to work through this, this is how I have to get it out.
Maybe you'll read this and never acknowledge that you have. I suppose that's your choice. Maybe you'll actually want to talk to me about this because a week later, I'M STILL UPSET. Maybe because I appear to have lost a friend over this and I'm the only one who seems to care.

I think that's fucked up.

Three 2 Liters Down, Ohh Soo Many More To Go

One, I'm dieting.

Two, I found this website that said four pounds of fat is about the same size as a 2 liter of soda. It's hard to imagine that I'm carrying around probably 40 two liters of lard. That's insane.

In 15 days, I've lost at least 12 lbs. (I'd like to think slightly more than that because the last scale I had weighed myself on was my moms..... and it's always a little kinder to me than any others. I haven't made it back there to find out how much I've lost by that scale.)

The good news is that I have not, as of yet, killed anyone. Actually, this isn't so horrible. I'm having two meal replacement shakes, one low-fat, low-carb meal, and a few healthy snacks a day.

My shakes started as Body by Vi.. and if I could afford it, I'd keep using it. They taste good, and they are insanely good for you. I can not afford $50 every 15 days, so I bought a protein powder that is not nearly as good for me, but of course only costs about $12.... So my shakes have developed into this half scoop of protein powder, 2 generous tbsps of greek yogurt, a cup-ish of frozen berries, mango, and/or peaches, and a 1/4 of a banana. AND 2 tbsps of a fiber powder. (Don't laugh! Studies show that fiber helps you lose weight. My ass needs to lose weight.)

My dinner the last few days has been half a boneless skinless chicken breast on a Thinwich, a smidge of  reduced fat mayo (I could go fat free, but EWWWWW, I think I can spare 1g of fat!) sliced red onions, red pepper, and... if I'm feeling extra needy a thin slice of reduced fat cheddar. I usually have this with a cup of sliced raw mushrooms and a bit of fat free Catalina for dipping.

My snacks are plentiful. I pretty much let myself have free run of mushrooms. A cup is 60 calories of absolute goodness. I eat a lot of snap peas and tomatoes...... Ohhhh a fave snack I've developed is a can of whole chunk tuna (60 cal x2) a zesty pickle and a roma tomato diced, some red onion, and a carefully measured 2 tbspns of mayo... 180 cal/ 4g fat/ 11 carbs/ 24g protein. (Yes, the sodium is heart-stopping.... I will have to go down to a half can of tuna and half a pickle. *sigh*)Since I'm up for 18 hours a day, I have a shake when I first wake up at 3, a heavy snack (like the tuna)(or scrambled egg whites with mushrooms, broccoli, and red peppers) at 7pm before work, a 100 cal or less snack at about 11pm, my sandwich at about 1:30ish, and my second shake at about 5:30 am.

A fave snack I've found is sugar free Jello cups with lite canned fruit. I bought 1/2 cup containers, so no fudging the portions. Ben and I make up a whole bunch at once, and then we both have little yummy snacks of about 30ish calories. Yay TEAM!

My biggest hurdle was my coffee... I love my flavored, horribly sweetened, fatty creamers. I eased out of it. It's taken two weeks, but I'm now using Splenda and powdered non-fat creamer. It's NOT the same, and my coffee intake has decreased by half.... but I can still have my coffee.

I feel like I am constantly eating. Which is probably better than before.... On days that I worked, I did not eat when I woke up, but ate with Ben at 7 (usually a low fat, HIGH-carb meal), had a snack of potato chips around 11pm, and got something from the kitchen at work (usually involving french fries.. tho they do make a killer chef salad once a week) around 2 am. Then didn't eat again until 7pm when I made the kid dinner.... So yes, I'm being insanely conscious of fat and carbs, but I think it's just about as important that I'm eating on a regular basis, hopefully keeping my body from going into starvation mode.

My current goal is 20 lbs, with the option of renewal. Yes, realistically, I KNOW I need to lose about 160 lbs total.  (My "ideal" weight is about 140 lbs give or take 7) Do I think this is realistic for me? NO. I haven't weighed that little since I was in elementary school, I shit you not. I would put my realistic goals somewhere around 160 to 175. But that's still a big number, so I think I'm just going to take it 20 lbs at a time, with option for renewal. That isn't so overwhelming.

My next big hurdle is going to be exercise. I hate it. If you gave me a cake and said "You can eat this WHOLE thing, if you walk two miles afterwards." I'd say, "Fuck you and your cake." In the last 15 days, I exercised once, for 30 minutes. I KNOW this needs to change. It's the whole making it happen thing that I fail on. If I could afford a weight trainer, I'd do it, no problem. I keep appointments. I'm just no good at "OhhhhYAY!  It's time to be miserable." This weekend, my goal is to go walking. I've kind of half-heartedly found a way to encourage me to do it... Make walking dates. If someone is supposed to meet me somewhere at a certain time, I'll show up, rain or shine. Now I just have to make the dates. I've kind of got one tentatively planned for Sunday. I have two ppl I can call to make one for Saturday.... *Looks at the phone* I can do this..... lol

Yesterday, I noticed a size difference. YAY... in my ass.. I seem to be losing it all from my ass... How weird is that? But the butt of my pants are way baggy now.. I'm going to look funny walking around with big tits, big gut, and a little ass.

Dear Fat Gods,

           I have always been fairly well proportioned. Please don't fuck that up.  I would appreciate even weight loss, throughout the entirety of my body. Exercise will be that much more difficult if you throw off my balance... I'm very soon going to be (more) front heavy. This will also put MORE strain on my back. You don't want me to have MORE back problems, do you? Let work on EVEN weight loss..

           Please and Thank you,

           Psam

 The bottom line is... I'm not miserable. More than sweets, I've been craving fats. LIKE CHEESE. That's why I broke down and bought the reduced fat cheese. It's not as good, but it's not as BAD for me. I've had a few bitty pieces, when I first bought it, but it's sat there untouched for the last week. Not bad. I really find myself looking at calories, fat, and carbs and finding that it's just not worth it. Which is GOOD! It's there if I really, really want it... but so far, I've been pretty much deciding against it. (Same with the tub of Java Chip ice cream that's been in my freezer for 3 weeks.) And the Garlic Ritz crackers that taunt me from the pantry. It's there. I could have a little bit, and it won't KILL my diet... but at this point, it's just not worth it.

I think I'm doing ok. I -COULD- try a more drastic diet. But this one is manageable for me. I'm NOT miserable. In fact, I'm actually liking it. So, I'm good where I am. My outlook is shiny.

What more could I want?