Talk Thursday: Garbage

There is a poem I have always loved.
When contemplating this topic... this part keeps ringing in my head...

“I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,”   ~"Love" by Roy Croft

This is the garbage. The stuff we want to let go of, but for whatever reason, can't. The junk that lies deep inside, going for eons without being noticed, until one day it pokes it's head out, and tears you apart.

For months I have been battling myself over what to do about my cousin's wedding. TD and I have an interesting history. I suppose technically, she is my former step-cousin from my mother's second marriage. To deal with the inner-drama with my cousin, I have to visit the drama with my former stepfather. I'm not sure what blog name my mom has given him, but I will call him EggSucker, simply because on the rare occasions my mom would lose her cool with him, she would tell him to "Suck Eggs!".. He hated it and the immature part of me still snickers about it.

My mom and the EggSucker got married when I was 4. My biological father has never actively been a father. He's floated in and out of my life when it's convenient for him, and I can honestly say he's only abstractly been instrumental in shaping me to be the person that I am. More like he's been a shining representation of everything I don't want to be. So, although the EggSucker could be a tad overly strict and often distant... he was my Dad... To the point that my biofather was given the label "Daddy Bob", and EggSucker was really "Dad"...

EggSucker's parents were Grandma and Papa, and his brother's daughter TD was my cousin. She lived in Seattle and mostly just came to visit during the summer. When we were little, I hated her. She was certainly grandma's favorite. When she came to visit, her stepsister and I would sneak away so that we didn't have to listen to her and grandma babytalk and vomitously love each other.

Interestingly, puberty changes people a lot. Middle School approached and TD moved to town. Somehow, we became the very best of friends for the next few years. True partners in crime. lol.. Looking back, I find it weird. I mellowed out a lot in those years, probably in part due to the fact that I became TD's handler. As bad as my temper ever was, her's was worse. Both of us are stubborn as hell though, so there was plenty of headbutting through the years.

My mom and the EggSucker split up when I was 13. That was a pretty hard time for me, due to that and other reasons, so really I don't remember too much of that year. It's all kind of a haze. I'm fairly certain it was about a year, maybe a tad bit longer that he stayed somewhat active in my life. The next summer I went and visited him for several weeks after he'd moved several hours away. Then he married his brother's ex-fiance, and completely removed himself from my life. TD had told me he was getting married. I remember so angrily telling her that he would NEVER marry her and not tell me. I remember the regret that showed in her eyes as she let the matter lie with a "Psam, I'm so sorry..."

A few months later, we got the invitation: To Cele and Family.......... I had gone from being his daughter and reduced to "And Family.." There are so many layers to this onion, it's hard for me to pick apart. The outside layer hates the wife. Blames her for everything. Longs to put a bullet between the bitch's eyes. The next layer knows that no matter what influence she had, a real father would stand up for his relationship with his daughter, blood or not. That layer hurts more.

A few years later, his mom moved down to be closer to him and his new family. Part of me understands that. Reason says she didn't have to disappear from my life though. There are layers that hate the EggSucker and his wife for taking my grandma from me... Then there is the layer that says she owns that responsibility. If I was ever truly her granddaughter, she should have stood by our relationship.

There are other bits to this. The fact that after a few years of absence, he showed up on my doorstep with a 10 day old baby, introduced me to my "Sister" and cried and said he was sorry and that he'd never disappear on me again. Then I didn't see him for another 2 years until his brother was murdered. The "Sister" was throwing a fit and he looked at me and said, "You want her?"... and all I could think was, "What? Throwing away one daughter wasn't enough for you?" But I didn't say it. I started bawling uncontrollably and left. I've never seen him since. That was April of 1994.

So, my cousin is getting married. At first, I didn't worry. She lives in Chicago now, and it's not like I have travel money. Then I found out, she's getting married an hour away.

The part of me that tries to be rational says, "You should do it for her." I love her so much. We haven't hardly seen each other in the last 10 years, but I love her. She is my cousin, and I miss her so much.

The realistic part of me says, "No fucking way!" There is no way I can be around those people and not have a nervous, hysterical breakdown. I have spent the last 20+ years ignoring and burying these emotions. I have not dealt with this at all. I'm sure that the EggSucker will be walking her down the aisle, as her father and grandfathers are dead... and I know that the anger and jealousy .... it would be too much for me. Not that I want him to walk me down the aisle someday, but GODDAMN IT! I want him to want to do it. And, yes, I'm well aware of how completely childish that is.

I would see his wife and his daughters....  I would be a wreck, and none of it would have anything to do with the fact that TD is getting married. Everything to do with the fact that these are people I love that have chosen not to be in my life.. for nearly two decades.

Probably all very reasonable feelings, but wrong time, wrong place.

So my cousin finally caught me on Facebook and asked if I was coming to the wedding. I bawled hysterically as I told her how much I love her and how much I wish I could go, but that I just can't do it. And I told her exactly why. She was upset, but understanding. And insistent on finding a way to come see me. She's going to come down early one morning when I get off work, and we're going to go to breakfast.

I'm happy I'll get to see her. I'm relieved that she understands.

I haven't dealt with my garbage. I don't know how. The first thought is maybe I need a counselor, but truthfully, I don't know how that will solve anything. It won't bring closure. But what am I supposed to do? Show up at EggSucker's door someday and tell him he didn't just leave a marriage, that he damaged me and stole my family? The worse part is that I worry that if I did have the balls to do that, that he just wouldn't care. Or what if he did? It's not like I want to repair our relationship... I just don't want to hurt over it anymore.