Talk Thursday: Jealousy

Jealously is a serious and sensitive subject.

I think we've all felt it ourselves, and we've all probably been affected by the jealousy of others. Be it in a friendship or a sexual relationship, it's pretty much a fact of life. If you've ever felt jealousy, then you know it's pretty hard to just shrug off. In fact, I don't know that we can really change that about ourselves. What we can change is how we deal with it.

Jealousy rarely has much to do with the subject causing the jealousy. I mean, if we all were self confident, sure of ourselves and our place in this ball of chaos called "life", we probably wouldn't go stark raving mad when we feel shunned or slighted. If we did feel that way, we'd probably have the balls to stand up and say, "Hey, you're ignoring me and being an asshat!" Most of us don't have the courage to say that. That would be weakness. That would open us up to bigger injury. So we act all psycho, or dictatorish, or fall into deep depressions.

We have relationships for totally selfish purpose. Relationships with others of our species is a biological need for humans. Studies have shown that babies born prematurely, who aren't touched during incubator time are less likely to survive or prosper. Children who spend infancy in orphanages are shown to have hormonal and chemical imbalances that are directly linked to emotions and neurological activity. We need each other. When we find a good relationship, be it friend or lover, the mutual benefit is maximized. We begin to care about the other subject and desire to fulfill their relationship needs, and we reach symbiosis. (I would like to point out that symbiosis has nothing to do with giving and taking equally. It simply means "mutually beneficial".)

When you're in the midst of jealousy "drama" it's hard to remember this basic knowledge. If you've made a new friend and your other friend starts acting weird, consider this: Perhaps you haven't done enough to assure them of their place in your life. Sometimes we fall into that "She knows I love her" trend. I mean, it's become kind of 'uncool' to tell your BFF "I love you". But we should. Probably way more often than we do.

Studies show that love effects dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin levels in the brain. When these are effected, we not only see change in moods and emotion, but brain scans show that different regions of the brain are accessed. So, when your friend freaks out at you, try to be a little understanding... Her biology is acting against her. Studies repeatedly show that suffering a heartbreak affects the brain much like cocaine withdrawl. If you knew your friend was trying to kick a coke habit, you'd be more understanding, right?

Sometimes we just can't say "I love you" enough. Right? Your BFF, or boyfriend, SHOULD TOTALLY know by now that they are número uno in your life, but they still seem to need constant affirmation. This is all them and is probably the result of something traumatic that has happened at some point in there history. You can't fix that for them. They could maybe get over it some day. Maybe not. The question is whether or not you can deal with it. Some of us are just needier than others. Remember this is, generally, a self esteem issue. A truly symbiotic relationship will accommodate that. If you can't, you have to be honest with everyone involved.

Does your BFF always have to be número uno? What about número dos, tres, or cuatro? You've had more than one love in your lifetime, right? Those who talk about "one true love" are only trying to make their current love feel like their "best" love, in my opinion. If you think about all the people you've loved... you, more than likely, loved them all fairly equally, but for very different reasons. It's no different with BFFs. I, personally, have 4 "best" friends. They all mean something very different to me. I enjoy different things about them and they all fulfill different needs in me. That doesn't necessarily mean that I have to love one more, or less, than any of the others. 


I suppose I should address that megalomaniacal jealousy. Jealousy, in it's purest form, serves a purpose. It promotes stasis, or balance, in the relationship. It is the red light indicator that one is not secure in their role. It is the warning light that goes off to encourage us to ask for that reassurance. Megalomaniacal jealousy has NOTHING to do with this. 

Rape is to lust as megalomaniacal jealousy is to love. 

One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Like rape, this "jealousy" is primarily about control. It does not mean that he LOVES YOU OHHHH SO VERY MUCH! It means he (or she) needs a victim. Plain and simple.... RUN!


My message here is that we need to re-evaluate what jealousy (in it's pure form) truly is, and what it means, and address it accordingly. I often hear, "I just don't understand jealousy at all." Perhaps you are a very self confident person.  I wish we could all have that, but we don't. 


Remember that jealousy is an indication something is missing. Self confidence? Communication? It is the responsibility of both parties to isolate and alleviate the cause.