Talk Thursday: Jealousy

Jealously is a serious and sensitive subject.

I think we've all felt it ourselves, and we've all probably been affected by the jealousy of others. Be it in a friendship or a sexual relationship, it's pretty much a fact of life. If you've ever felt jealousy, then you know it's pretty hard to just shrug off. In fact, I don't know that we can really change that about ourselves. What we can change is how we deal with it.

Jealousy rarely has much to do with the subject causing the jealousy. I mean, if we all were self confident, sure of ourselves and our place in this ball of chaos called "life", we probably wouldn't go stark raving mad when we feel shunned or slighted. If we did feel that way, we'd probably have the balls to stand up and say, "Hey, you're ignoring me and being an asshat!" Most of us don't have the courage to say that. That would be weakness. That would open us up to bigger injury. So we act all psycho, or dictatorish, or fall into deep depressions.

We have relationships for totally selfish purpose. Relationships with others of our species is a biological need for humans. Studies have shown that babies born prematurely, who aren't touched during incubator time are less likely to survive or prosper. Children who spend infancy in orphanages are shown to have hormonal and chemical imbalances that are directly linked to emotions and neurological activity. We need each other. When we find a good relationship, be it friend or lover, the mutual benefit is maximized. We begin to care about the other subject and desire to fulfill their relationship needs, and we reach symbiosis. (I would like to point out that symbiosis has nothing to do with giving and taking equally. It simply means "mutually beneficial".)

When you're in the midst of jealousy "drama" it's hard to remember this basic knowledge. If you've made a new friend and your other friend starts acting weird, consider this: Perhaps you haven't done enough to assure them of their place in your life. Sometimes we fall into that "She knows I love her" trend. I mean, it's become kind of 'uncool' to tell your BFF "I love you". But we should. Probably way more often than we do.

Studies show that love effects dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin levels in the brain. When these are effected, we not only see change in moods and emotion, but brain scans show that different regions of the brain are accessed. So, when your friend freaks out at you, try to be a little understanding... Her biology is acting against her. Studies repeatedly show that suffering a heartbreak affects the brain much like cocaine withdrawl. If you knew your friend was trying to kick a coke habit, you'd be more understanding, right?

Sometimes we just can't say "I love you" enough. Right? Your BFF, or boyfriend, SHOULD TOTALLY know by now that they are número uno in your life, but they still seem to need constant affirmation. This is all them and is probably the result of something traumatic that has happened at some point in there history. You can't fix that for them. They could maybe get over it some day. Maybe not. The question is whether or not you can deal with it. Some of us are just needier than others. Remember this is, generally, a self esteem issue. A truly symbiotic relationship will accommodate that. If you can't, you have to be honest with everyone involved.

Does your BFF always have to be número uno? What about número dos, tres, or cuatro? You've had more than one love in your lifetime, right? Those who talk about "one true love" are only trying to make their current love feel like their "best" love, in my opinion. If you think about all the people you've loved... you, more than likely, loved them all fairly equally, but for very different reasons. It's no different with BFFs. I, personally, have 4 "best" friends. They all mean something very different to me. I enjoy different things about them and they all fulfill different needs in me. That doesn't necessarily mean that I have to love one more, or less, than any of the others. 


I suppose I should address that megalomaniacal jealousy. Jealousy, in it's purest form, serves a purpose. It promotes stasis, or balance, in the relationship. It is the red light indicator that one is not secure in their role. It is the warning light that goes off to encourage us to ask for that reassurance. Megalomaniacal jealousy has NOTHING to do with this. 

Rape is to lust as megalomaniacal jealousy is to love. 

One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Like rape, this "jealousy" is primarily about control. It does not mean that he LOVES YOU OHHHH SO VERY MUCH! It means he (or she) needs a victim. Plain and simple.... RUN!


My message here is that we need to re-evaluate what jealousy (in it's pure form) truly is, and what it means, and address it accordingly. I often hear, "I just don't understand jealousy at all." Perhaps you are a very self confident person.  I wish we could all have that, but we don't. 


Remember that jealousy is an indication something is missing. Self confidence? Communication? It is the responsibility of both parties to isolate and alleviate the cause.

Pedistool Toppled

Have you ever had that crushing disappointment when you realize that someone is actually just another fucked up human being when for years you, in some way, held them above the herd?

There's this girl that I went to school with. I've known her just about my whole damn life. Pre-adult, she was the kindest, nicest, fairest peer I'd probably ever had. I'd never heard her talk shit about others. Never saw her get angry with anyone. Not a selfish bone in her body. Smart ass hell too.

I've always admired and looked up to her. I always thought that the world would be a much better place if more people, myself included, could be like her.

Sadly, via Facebook, she is gradually exposing herself to be someone that I'm not even sure I want to know anymore and every time she reveals one of these unsavory bits of herself, I feel like my world has kind of wobbled off kilter.

It started a few months ago. She has a son several years older than mine, who is an Aspie but unlike my son, her's has fairly violent meltdowns. Her husband was overseas in the military and she was home with 4 or 5 kids to manage. Anyone who knows the devout LDS life, knows that she is a busy woman. Up before the sun to get the kids to seminary. She runs a business or two from home. Lunch with the girls. Homework, sports practice, church socializing, she has a full plate. Still, was a little surprised to find that she was on a few different anti-depression and anxiety meds. (Not that I judge her for that, at all.. I don't.)

What started turning me sour was the way she treats, talks about, and acts toward her son with Asperger's. He has "beat her up" a few times. I say it like that because I wasn't there, I didn't see the incident, and I've also never seen the results of the incident. A girl who posts on the run, "I'm a fun/fab girl" shots of herself every day, and who always posts when "He beat me up again"... has never posted pics of her injuries. Not saying it doesn't happen... just wondering if they're exaggerated a bit.

Several months ago there was another incident with her son and, because she blogs every detail, I could see precisely each point where things when wrong. It culminated when he went outside to "cool off", and she saw that he was, but she still had the other children go around and lock all the doors and windows. When he realized he was being locked out by his family, he went nuts and started beating at the glass door with a chair. I would think that anyone who knows a few things about Aspies would see that she instigated this response. It ended with her calling the police and then next day she took her son to a 10 day inpatient psych evaluation, which she didn't tell him about until they were in the facility parking lot. While he was in the facility, she petitioned the Base Commander for the right to have a taser. That's right, she wanted to be able to tase her son when he got out of control (because she didn't know how to properly decelerate a situation.) The scary thing is that her "friends" from her ASD support group and HER SON'S THERAPIST all supported her.

 THANK GOD the Base Commander denied her request.

I was disgusted. Shocked. Completely flabbergasted. But I tried to respond calmly. I posted and sent her messages plainly stating that "There has to be another way." I explained to her that the course she was taking could do irreparable damage to her relationship with her son and begged her to seek the advice of alternate professionals. She never responded to me. I quit reading her blog.

I still see her Facebook posts. Things like, "Shopping with all the kids. ARRRGG! But  I can't leave them home with the Aspie!"

It breaks my heart.

But, what actually made me start this post, was a completely different topic.

She had a Pure Romance party today, and of course it was "No men or children".

She apparently had one friend a bit saddened by that. To which he (The Friend) responded, "I'm sure it would have been fun, but whatever, I'm used to it by now."
Her hubby posted, " you wouldn't want to attend one of these parties. Women would talk about such things, but men...not in a big group like that...no way!'
The Friend, " -Methinks your life experience is very different from mine. You played baseball and football; I was a gymnast and a cheerleader. You've worked for the BSA and the US Military -- Mostly men, right?. I'm a teacher--3 women for every man in this building; even in the science department women outnumber men. I have spent my entire life surrounded by women. And I LOVE it. When my assistant director (Drama Department) was having trouble finding nursing bras that fit, she thought maybe I could help -- and I did.
I very much wish I could have been there. I often feel the need to talk about such things; I (almost) never get the chance."
Her hubby replied, " .no, not my cup of tea. I wish there were no women in the military. Or at least I wish I was in a true combat arms branch where women are not capable of being involved in..." 
The Friend, "You see what you just did there, XXX? I was opening up, expressing my deep need to talk about personal issues, and you changed the subject to "women in the military." Hahaha. You're such a guy." (Good for him.)


Perhaps I shouldn't have been so dismayed by this, but I guess I always held her husband to a higher standard as well. When I first read that statement, I wanted to find him and kick him in the balls while I questioned, "Not CAPABLE????" Sure, maybe not in hand-to-hand combat. But how often does "battle" in today's world involve hand-to-hand? 


Perhaps his view comes from having a wife who feels the only way she can deal with her son is to use a taser on him. Just sayin'!

BITCHES!

Talk Thursday: Mememememe... Again...

Ten Weird Things About Me.

I never thought this one would be so hard. Like, I had to start wondering if maybe I was...... normal.... Naaaahhhh! Can't be.

10. I am superstitious. Which in itself isn't weird. However, I am superstitious because I firmly believe that while it is absolutely ridiculous to think that walking under a ladder is bad luck, it might piss off the gods if I don't give them proper respect and they might fuck me up, just to prove a point. Because anything is possible. But it might piss them off if I give in to some stupid ritual, so I might do the exact opposite of what is expected... And there isn't really any rhyme or reason to what I will or won't do. I will always shut off my car a specific way, because it's incredibly bad luck not to; however, I will never forward chain letters, or texts, no matter how sweet the message, because of the part that promises you good luck for doing so. Right, no good luck there. Bad luck. Same with wishing on stars, birthday candles. Bad luck. Don't do it. Ohhhh and, if you're going to read the fortune in your fortune cookie, you HAVE to eat the cookie first. No cheating.

9. It really annoys me that I can't read other people's mind and know what they think and how they feel. When I think about this, I get very sad. I feel like I'm so far away from everyone and that I don't really, truly know anyone. Disconnected.

8. I am terrified of skinks. Not other lizards, not snakes. I FUCKING HATE SKINKS. And you might not see how this is related, but it is.... I am terrified of those jerky humanoid monstery-things in horror movies, like The Grudge and Silent Hill. Sad to say, I am terrified of mutant things.

7. I LOVE to clean my ears. It is the best feeling ever. Ok.. almost ever. It is the SECOND BEST FEELING EVER!! I can't stand that wet feeling in my ears.. it makes me twitch. Not only does cleaning my ears get rid of that feeling, but feels so fabulous on it's own... I could clean my ears all day.

6. I HATE anything between my toes. In fact, right now, thinking about it is giving me the willies. It makes me want to cry, and vomit, and run away. It's right up there with nails on a chalkboard and flossing. Ok, nails on a chalkboard don't bother me as much as the other two. They make my skin crawl.

5. My very eclectic taste in music... I might go from punk, to rap, to big band, to 60's folk rock, to show tunes... You just never really know. And I have a special love for punk covers of other genres of music.

4. Like my mom, everyone has special songs... some occasions have special songs. Songs can also totally alter my moods. If I'm sad or angry, a half hour of music will totally work it all out. Of course, certain songs can remind me of people and make me miseraby sad and mopey too.

3. I absolutely cannot sew. I cannot make pancakes. And unless I'm singing big band, I cannot carry a tune. I can pat my head and rub my tummy.

2. Sometimes I forget how to breathe. Like trying to breathe in when I already have, or the opposite...

1. I get words or phrases stuck in my head until they drive me batty. I will repeat it over and over for hours. Sometimes I'm lucky and it's from a song and I can just listen to something else a few times and it kind of knocks it out. For the past 2 days, I've had the first two lines of Hey, Soul Sister on a constant repeat. (Of course, the Glee version.) The worst is when it's a random word, usually one that you don't come across frequently in natural conversation. My brain will dissect it, work out all the possible definitions, then come up with ways to molest those definitions... But often, it just repeats it. Like... HymenopteraHymenopteraHymenopteraHymenopteraHymenoptera.

Standing Up For What You Believe In

If you don't stand up, you might as well be lying down.

There are certain things I defend, without care to alienating others. It's who I am. Sure, there's a slight care, when I'm standing up to someone I care about, but my mom taught me that if your friends don't accept you for who you are, then they aren't the kind of friend you need. She's right. And to date, I've never lost anyone that special because of my inability to keep my mouth shut.

Last week, I had to correct a friend when she said (about another "friend" of hers), "It's just wrong. You know. It's not right. God made man and gave him woman for a reason. But I HOPE he doesn't go to hell. You know, I'm not judging him." Sadly, in that moment, she didn't want to hear what I had to say on the issue, and cut me off with a, "I know, we have different views on this... I don't want to fight with you." I was pissed, but kept my mouth shut... mostly because I'm fairly certain she was drunk. You know, God loves drunks. I mean, look at the importance he rose Noah to.

But it ate at me. If I sit back and don't say anything, that's pretty much giving a green light and saying that I condone that viewpoint and behavior. It ate at me to the point that I wondered if I could still be friends with her, though this is pretty much the only area we clash in. Should I quit being friends with someone because they're ignorant? If I do that, I'm giving up a good friend, and missing the opportunity to change her views. Right? Well, like I said, it ate at me. So I posted non-direct comment on my Facebook.

You know who you are.... Last night, you really made me angry. You can't follow, "It isn't right, it isn't natural, hope he doesn't go to hell" with , "But I'm not judging."
You ARE judging. There's no way around it. And worst of all... You're using God to do it. People wonder why I'm not a Christian anymore.... One major reason, I saw very few people who actually practiced what they preach. Jesus is love. God forgives all your sins. "Judge not, least ye be judged." But in the next breath I was told only Christians go to heaven. Only the righteous go to heaven.

Jesus was a Jew. Many believe his best friend was a prostitute. And the prophet Jesus... preached love and acceptance, and never a single word against homosexuality. Jesus would welcome the gay and lesbian community with open arms...

Why can't his followers?

 I asked her not to respond, because I think a lot of my other friends would crucify her, and that's not my intent. I guess more than anything, I had to get the last word in, or something. But I couldn't not say anything.

So, there is this family member that shall remain unnamed, She is an animal rights activist, which I don't have any problem with, at all. I like animals too. She started sharing links to this Facebook page that is trying to get Michele Leqve fired from her job at Delta Airlines because in her free time she is a big game hunter. *Double Take* What? What does her LEGAL, extra curricular activities have to do with her JOB? So I went to this page to check it out. OMG! Let me tell you, the majority of these ppl are FUCKED UP, CRAZY PSYCHOPATHS. Seriously. These animal lovers were talking about hunting down this woman and shooting her. (I'm sorry, I was raised in a hunter family... and I give mad props to someone ballsy enough to go after a polar bear with a bow.) And they're crying over this "poor defenseless creature" that she's taken down with, what they implied to be, advanced weaponry. LOL Seriously? I know most bow hunters carry a side arm, but in seconds that bear could have had the upper hand.

For the sake of keeping peace in the family, I didn't directly post anything.... at first. I told a friend about it, and she posted something like, "You guys are nuts. She didn't do anything wrong. Don't you think that what you're doing is -hunting- her. Why should she lose her job for this?"
To which these people instantly attacked her with thinks like, "Bitch, I hope you and yours get what's coming to you."
WOW.... Ok... can't keep quiet anymore. The majority of my comments were respectful, stating there are reasons that hunting is sanctioned and that hunting is part of nature. Sure, there was some, "You guys are fucking psychotic" thrown in there. But reading through the comments, I saw more and more talking about Michele's impending "accident" that would leave her hideously maimed and disfigured. Several by the same person. It was disgusting. Fairly scary that these "animal" lovers think so highly of wildlife, and so little for human life.... even tho, let's face it folks, humans are just another species of animal. So I reported the one guy to Facebook for "violent and threatening" content.

And guess what? After my second report, the page was immediately taken down. I had considered different avenues.. Starting a "Support Michele Leqve" page... Trolling the anti pages as much as possible. Which is a fucking blast. I'm sorry to say. I love trolling. It's quite entertaining. Especially when they spend soooo much time claiming to be "geneisous" and being "Highly Enlightened" peoples and I am just an "ignorant cretin" and so "obviously stupid"... But in the end, this result kind of tickled me. One of the things they were trying to figure out how to do was get Michele kicked off of Facebook. And this "cretin" figured out how to get you removed from Facebook in about roughly an hour. Which I think shows more WHO deserved to be kicked off and who didn't.

Now, you might say, "These people were just defending what they believe". I'm sorry. There is a right way, and a wrong way. They started a witch hunt. They promoted the idea of someone doing her physical harm. It only takes one nut job to pick up that idea and fulfill it. That's not ok. They encouraged people to call her employer and tell them she should be fired. That is stalking and harassment. No different than if I had an abortion and people started a FB page to get me fired from the hospital I work at. No different than tree huggers encouraging ppl to spike trees.

If you have a cause, Fight For It! but fight responsibly and legitimately.

Self-righteousness doesn't make you right.

And above all, don't lie down. In some cases, it just takes one person to say, "Hey, this isn't right!"


Added After Posting:
Holy crap. Michele has a tough road ahead of her. There are tons of groups dogging her, or this one really gets around.

**I should state that they keep calling her a "trophy hunter" and I don't know if this is or isn't true. I don't agree with trophy hunting.  I was raised if you shoot it, you eat it. And I think that killing, just for the sake of killing, is wrong. The exception is when culling needs to take place. I know they do this with wolves and coyote, for good reason, and I've no issue with this, whatsoever. Cuz no fucking way to I wanna eat coyote.

Holy Shit! It's MeMe! (Talk Thursday)

It was a narrow escape, and I won't get into the whole ordeal, but I was abducted by a swarm alien monkeys who chained me to a banana tree on Ganymede and threw poo at me for 5 whole months. It was hell. 

Mom's topic for this week is memes.. which I think is a fab way for me to try to get back into the swing of things.... Maybe I'll do a few... 

13 Firsts

1. First day of school.  I don't remember the first day of Kindergarten. Most of what I remember before the age of 7 or 8 seems to involve me getting into trouble, which is to say..... I remember a lot. I apparently didn't get into trouble on the first day tho. (Yay, me!) I vaguely remember the first day of 1st Grade tho. I woke up at 5 am and was super excited to wear my new underwear. I think I got in trouble for waking up so early.

2. First Kiss  Hmmmm Kiss, or KissKiss? My first kiss was Eric P. in the 1st grade..... he kissed me on the sand hill during recess, and I punched him. (Yeah, I think I got in trouble.) My first KissKiss KISS was Ron C. when I was in the 8th grade, he was a Junior... and it was amazing. Also my first real boyfriend, my first hickey, my first time being cheated on, and the first time I broke up with someone..... and probably my first seriously wounded heart. 

3. First Date My first real date was Alex. I'd had a crush on him for years and my cousin hooked us up. He was adorable. Also my first alcoholic. (Funny, a few years before he used to buy us alcohol) Sadly, tho my life hasn't had a lot of dates, I don't really remember what we did. It was a short lived romance.

4. First Car. 82 Monza. I really liked that car... And I thank my mother for being a screaming control freak when she taught me how to drive a stick. Sure, it caused me to screech to a stop on the side of the road and scream something like, "I'M BUYING MY OWN FUCKING CAR! IT WILL BE AN AUTOMATIC! AND YOU WILL SIT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AND SHUT UP!"  Which I did. Who knows how long it would have taken me to get a car if she hadn't screamed, "FIRST! CLUTCH! BREAK! BREAK! SECOND! OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" so frequently.

5. First Time.   Oi.  Brian W. (I don't think my mom knew this one.) I was 16... He'd been trying to get in my pants for years. One day on the way to a basketball game (I was a pep band geek), he passed me as I was walking to the school and asked if I wanted a ride. I said sure. He said, "Geez, we're going to get there way early...... wanna head out to the beach?" We clocked 140-ish in his Scirocco, and apparently high speeds make my panties fall off. I lost my virginity in the front seat of his car on the beach. And even tho he kinda turned out to be a douche bag, it was pretty fucking incredible. He certainly knew what he was doing. Not every girl can say they had multiple orgasms the first time.. I almost kicked out his fucking windshield. My only complaint would be that it took years for me to find another that talented.

6. First Breakup. Ron. His brother was my good friend. And one day he knocked on the door and said, "Psam, I gotta tell you something.." Apparently, Ron was messing around with my not so chaste cousin Chastity, who was a year younger than me, and had supposedly gotten pregnant. Later that night when Ron knocked on my door, I told him to get fucked and slammed it in his face..... And he moved that night and I didn't see him again for 3 years.

7. First Real Job... I was... 14 or 15 and got a summer job busing tables at a restaurant. It sucked. I made good money, but learned that summer that I never wanted to work in the food industry again. And I haven't. I also didn't have another "real" job until my senior year in high school.

8. First Time to Lose a Job... was about 2 years ago... The job I LOVED. I was downsized... and I frequently find myself hoping that someone will disappear from the face of the earth so I can have it back. Bitches.

9. First Time In Love............. Ohhhhhhhhhh Cory Lee Haussman. When I first met him. I hated him. He was cocky and self-centered. I couldn't stand him. One day I found myself giving him a ride home, and one thing led to another. He was the only one night stand I ever intended. We were together, off and on, for a year and a half. And I loved him. I still do. I always will. 

Our relationship was fucked up. (We were young. I was female. He came from a bad situation.) But when it was good, it felt like forever. We got in a fight one night at a friend's house and broke up. That night he went to Portland with some friends and got arrested on a warrant. I didn't see him again for about 6 months. During that time, I heard all sorts of rumors about why he was arrested, and they were not good. About 2 weeks after he was gone, I'm about 99% positive that I had a miscarriage. It broke my heart. All Cory ever wanted was a family. (His was so incredibly fucked up.) Months later, I saw him in a van for the local youth work camp. We started arranging to run into each other in public, even tho he couldn't talk to me. We started sending letters. He would sneak phone calls to me. But he would never tell me what had happened. He wanted to tell me in person. One day, I got a call from a lady that worked at the camp. She said tons of horrible things about Cory. Just that he was a bad person. A liar. That being involved with him would destroy my future and ruin my life. She convinced me that he 4 or 5 years younger than me. (which I only recently found out isn't true. He's two years younger than me. So he was 17/18 while we were together). They punished him for communicating with me by sending him to MacLaren.. where they send the really bad youth offenders. She got in my head. He started talking about wanting to marry me, and I freaked. I knew I couldn't just walk away from Cory. It would never happen. And, I did the worst thing I've ever done. I cheated on him. Then broke up with him. I knew I couldn't tell him what I'd done. It would hurt him so much. He'd want to confront the guy, and that guy would have wiped the floor with him (probably why I picked that guy)... and I knew I couldn't stay with him and NOT tell him. I remember not answering his phone call. The phone rang at the appointed time, and I sat there listening to it, bawling.

He's the one that, all these years later, I still wonder if I did the right thing (albeit, in the most chickenshit, wrong way). I finally found him on Facebook. (I haven't contacted him.) He's got that family he always wanted. A beautiful wife, and adorable children. And I am so incredibly heartbroken and jealous. He's the one I always hoped would pop back into my life; grown-up, mature, and ready to straighten things out. He's the one that I look at my son and think, he should have been your daddy.

10. First Drink. I think it was wine at Grandma's on New Year's Eve... I didn't like it and gave it to my cousin. 

11. First Sign of a Backbone....... when I came out of the womb and kicked the doctor in the face for slapping my ass???? lol.. Ummmm at 3, my mom broke a wooden spoon over my butt. I stole all her's and my grandma's and buried them under the house. The best part of this story is that I didn't confess until I was 21.

12.  First Ambition... Hmmmm? I wanted to be an archeologist when I was in the 3rd grade. Then in 4th grade, I was introduced to Christa McAuliffe.. The first person I'd ever come across with MY name. Then I watched her die. And I knew I wanted to be an astronaut, which led to wanting to be a fighter pilot (Tom Cruise kind of helped) and that goal lasted until the 8th grade, until I was told they'd  never let me fly in combat. Then I fell in love with forensic science.

13. First Realization of Mortality. WTF are you talking about? I'm a goddamned goddess! Actually, I don't really remember not knowing I would die. As a child, I could never picture myself as grown up. I was certain I would die by my 21st birthday.  When I was 3, every incarnation of Sabin got hit by a car and never came back..... In probably about the 1st grade, my babysitter got hit by a car and died. I was in the 3rd grade when my grandfather killed himself.  I think it hit me hardest when Charmin died during my 8th grade year, that was life changing for me. But it's always been there. I mean, tho I didn't know until years later, I was born with death. It's always been around me.

Ok... that was horribly depressing.... I think I need a drink, and a silly meme to recoup.

My Cory songs...

We broke up every time this song came on the radio...

Where The Hell Am I???

Ever feel like the curtains have been ripped back and you suddenly find yourself wondering where we are and how we got here?

My iGoogle has a CNN section. It only gives me three headlines. When I saw "Missouri Police Find Body of Missing Boy". I clicked it, thinking this was Baby Sky, little Jhessye Shockley, or Baby Kate. It wasn't. This is a wholly different missing child.

At the bottom of that article, I saw the link to "Body Found in Search for Missing Virginia Beach Baby".
which led to..
"Two Nebraska children found in kennel"
and on. Each horrible story leading to links for more horrible stories.

"Body found during search for missing 10-year-old in Texas"
"Body Found in Investigation of Utah Babysitter's Disappearance"
"Tennessee Woman Indicted in Deaths of Infant Twins"
"Man Allegedly Caught on Tape Swinging Baby By Neck With Blanket."

They go on and on and on... Stories of bodies found, children missing, children abused. Though I realize not all of these stories are from today, or even this week, I can't help but feel that things are out of control. What is going on? What is happening to us?

 "Parents arrested after giving away Toddler" This one, I have a problem with. I don't know the whole story, only what was written in this article, but it seems to me the parents did the right thing. It seems to me that the headline is misleading. The parents were junkies and gave a neighbor temporary custody of the child while supposedly getting clean. If this is true, and if the child hadn't been abused and in danger before the exchange of physical custody, then I actually commend these people for making a good choice. (Though they certainly should have given up the dog too.) I just can't help thinking about those commercials from when I was a kid.

Sure. They let themselves get to that point. They didn't choose to get help sooner. But, if this story is what really happened, then they finally made a good decision. They shouldn't be punished for that. If this had been a family member who took the child, there wouldn't be charges filed...... Not everyone has family that is in a better, more stable situation than they are. Sometimes, you take help from where ever it's offered.

For me, the next logical jump is to Mississippi. Last week, the world held it's breath as the citizens of Mississippi voted on the definition of "personhood".... a vote that on the surface just seems absurd, but hiding in the folds were the implied possibilities to disrupt a woman's right to choose whether or not to continue a pregnancy or possibly seek assistance with fertilization.

The bill didn't pass. *bitter laugh* Don't think that means the great people of Personhood USA are finished. No.......... They've only just begun. There are plans for 9 other states to have similar bills in the upcoming 2012 elections. 9.... so far. What are the odds that it won't pass in at least one of those states? I mean, who'd have thought Bush Jr would win a re-election?

I started a post about this bill shortly before the election, and didn't get it finished. I think this is a great time to discuss the issue.

First, how can we vote on a word that is already defined?

per·son·hood 

noun

1. the state or fact of being a person.

2. the state or fact of being an individual or having human characteristics and feelings: 

This law would define personhood as beginning at the moment of conception, forget that a fertilized egg takes about three days to implant and oh, about 23 week for any reasonable chance of viability. When you consider a fertilized egg, there is nothing about it that constitutes "being an individual" or "having human characteristics and feelings."

I get that some people hold that baby makin' is "a precious miracle" but, in truth, it's not.. It's fucking biology. Until that baby squirts out, it's a parasite. Some people claim that the fact that the fetus carries your DNA makes it some sort of symbiosis, but I find that a stretch and a fairly laughable argument. It is a parasite. And now, the highly educated Joe Blows of the US are going to vote (because they are soooo qualified) to decide what you can do with your parasites.

If your argument lies in the genes, all mammals have a genetic similarity of 92% or better. Chimps are 98% similar (imagine that... not that this gives any scientific credence to evolution or anything)... What if I decided to have a chimp embryo implanted so that I could give birth to my own chimp baby? The "genetic life code" between some apes and humans is 99.4%.. My son is 99.98% genetically similar to his father..  That's a difference of 0.58 %... if you have an 8 oz glass of water and pour 0.58% of straight ethanol alcohol into it... you're probably not going to taste or feel the difference. Mathematically insignificant.  0.0464 ounces. You'd ask the bartender for your money back.

So passing this fucked up law would not only negate the progress of Roe vs Wade, but also makes the use of some birth controls illegal, such as The Morning After pill or Plan B. Even for those against abortion, it brings up the question of what would happen to unused eggs left over from IVF treatments.

I just see how horribly out of control this whole thing could get. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Approximately 75% of those happen in the first trimester. 
*Here are some  more miscarriage info.
*And still some other important pregnancy facts.

 So what happens when a totally normal and truly spontaneous miscarriage happens, and under this law someone is prosecuted because someone else thought they caused their own miscarriage? Fall down the stairs? Sure you didn't throw yourself? Forget your prenatals more often than not? Maybe you had too much sex..... This all seems absurd, yes.. but so does calling a bunch of unattached cells a "person".

And so you're wondering.. How did we get here from the horror of children disappearing, being found murdered, and suspicious stories from parents? 

Maybe it's better if some people don't procreate. Maybe some are smart enough to know they shouldn't. Don't take away their options. An actual child, who thinks and feels and dreams, could end up dead. 

Then what have you saved?

Getting Hits

Ok.... so my most popular blog ever was "Sun, Moon, and Scars", posted like a year and a half ago. It was a well written post, I think, and continues to generate roughly 25% of my views. HOWEVER, I'm alarmed by the search words/phrases people have used to find me.

vagina piercings
crazy ass shit
piercing prince charles
ass shiting
random ass shit
omfg prepare your anus
"suspenders are hot"
ass with shit
assshitting

and I'm trying to figure out how ANY of this has to do with ANYTHING I've posted. And............ seriously.... someone (I hope it's just one.. very dedicated searcher) has a very serious philia with poo....

Disturbing. Interesting!

I'm Not Crazy

For several years, various friends (that's right, not even enemies) have been trying to diagnose me.

I have been friend-diagnosed as psychotic, a sociopath, neurotic, Asperger's (not that I consider that a form of crazy - just sayin'), and told I have anger management issues. One, I manage my anger just fine. I verbalize it and don't act on it.. I call that managed. And because I can do that, I'm obviously not a sociopath. (I'd like to say that also disqualifies me on the psychotic stuff too, but I don't know if that's ACTUALLY the case. *shrug*)

I might be a bit neurotic. I do have anxiety and I can tend to be very insecure about certain things, which cranks up the volume on my anxiety, but if that's the definition of neurotic..... you got me.

I might be a bit spectrum. I seem to pass all the screening tests with flying colors, but I maintain that my son's counselor states that the simple fact that I broached the question to him "proves" that I'm not spectrum....... WTF does that even  mean? That doesn't feel like an answer to me, but perhaps my need to dissect that statement is indicative of my neurotic nature.

I have some issues (don't we all), I'm not in denial. I have some self confidence issues. I have some anxiety issues. I have some weird OCD-like tendencies (who doesn't) (I get it from my mother.. who probably gets it from her mother)(It's a family tradition).. I have some issues with "right and wrong"... not that my lines are blurred. I know the difference between right and wrong, and act accordingly (almost always). My issue seems to lie in knowledge. I can't leave an obviously wrong statement alone. I have to correct it. Or, if I'm not certain, but strongly question... I HAVE to look it up. It's a compulsion.(I blame my mother for the countless times she told me as a child, "Look it up".) It's not a need to prove anyone wrong, per se, but a driven need to stop the proliferation of senseless and incorrect ideas. (see that... I had to double check dictionary.com to make certain I wasn't using "proliferation" improperly.) I'm constantly double checking the dictionary and I google everything..

One of my friends on Facebook posted a need for a laugh, "Someone please tell me a joke"...
One of her friends posted this:

Thor was flying around a castle on his Pegasus saying, "I'm Thor! I'm Thor!" The King heard this from his tower and poked his head out the window and replied, " Well of course your thor thilly! Your riding without a thaddle!"
Hee hee- my all time favorite:)

One... I showed great restraint.. I did not flame her. I wanted to... soooooooooo badly, but I didn't. I know it's a joke. HOWEVER, it's hard for me to find the funny when my brain is exploding from the OBVIOUS jumbling of mythologies. Perseus rode Pegasus. (NOT Hercules as Disney would have you believe! and of course, not Thor.. though that seems stupid to point out.) Thor could run as fast as a horse, and when he didn't feel like doing that he had a chariot pulled by goats.(Goats! Whaaaa?? I know, right?) (Further proof of insecurity, I KNEW these 3 points, but googled each just to make sure that I was remembering correctly.) **I can't go without saying... In the times that Thor was an actively worshiped god, how many Norse castles (with towers) are we likely to find?? And.. "Your" ... should have been "You're" ... But slightly overlook-able simply because joke tradition is verbal. *sigh* (Also, a point for Asperger's.... religion/mythology has certainly been a "special interest" for me for ohhhhhhhh about 20 years... at least.) (Though this I also blame on my mother. Again, just sayin'.)

The point is.. I have issues. But I manage them. Therefore, I'm all good. I don't need a label to fit in... or do I?

Google's not going to help me on this one, is it?

Veterens Day.....................................

This is going to make me sound like a whore-faced bitch.

I find statements such as the one above insulting, to me and to the men and women who have served this nation. Before you blast me for being unpatriotic, let me explain.

I have great respect for those who give service to this country. I have great respect for those who've lost their lives giving service to this country. However, tell me exactly when the last time we had a military action that was directly protecting MY freedom. It wasn't in Libya, it wasn't Afghanistan, it wasn't Iraq.... either time. It wasn't in Rwanda, or Somalia. It wasn't in Vietnam.
There are certain responsibilities that come with being the biggest kid on the block. The right and just thing to do is protect those weaker than yourself.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and the needy." ~ Proverbs 31:8&9 (NIV)

Yes, I just quoted the Bible in a way that wasn't derogatory. Why, because it's a philosophy that everyone should have, no matter what faith you are. So hear me clearly, I'm not begrudging military actions in which we stepped in to ugly situations to protect the basic human rights, and FREEDOMS, of those who could not stand up for themselves.That is just. That is right. That is chivalry and valor. But people get confused. They turn it into a situation where I should be grateful for the protection of MY freedom. And I have to say, this is simply not true. 
In truth, our Armed Services protect my freedom everyday, by simply existing. The world knows that any action against the US will have swift and heavy repercussions. That, protects my freedom. Our freedom hasn't been seriously challenged in almost 70 years. I'm sure many people would argue "But 9-11!!!", which was probably the most heartbreaking day of my life. But that was terrorism. They didn't want to take over our country. They still don't. They want to fuck with our heads. They want to shank us on the playground. They want attention. They are disgruntled 3 year olds who run up and slap you and run away. (Not that it doesn't hurt... because the wound is very deep.)

So on this Veterans day, I'd like to give my thanks to those who have existed to deter those who might want to take my freedoms. To those who have actually fought to protect that freedom. To those who have fought to protect the rights and freedoms of peoples around the world who had no one else to fight for them.

We live in a world of greed and want, of power struggles and two-faced politicians who stand on their podiums and decry publicly the unjust conditions of squalor and violence around the globe and then, behind closed doors, greedily rub their hands together in anticipation of their wants. This has nothing to do with the troops that are actually deployed to carryout their orders, and THIS is what needs to be remembered.

It is not the "why"... and has little to do with the "how". I am thankful that men and women take that oath, not knowing what will be asked of them, who do it on blind faith that their leaders will commit them righteously.

 

In reviewing my music selection, I have to point out that (yes, I'm aware) my selections do have an anit-war message... But I think they also look at soldiers as individuals.... and that is my message.

Thank you!

Talk Thursday: Frustration (Late.. I know)

Something is not right in The Land of Under-The-Hood..

And it's messing with my head.

We can't figure out what is wrong with my stupid POS Jeep. (Though I have learned that I HATE Jeeps and wish they'd all burn in Hades) (I don't mean that Jeep gods.. I'm sorry) The damn thing just spontaneously decides to not participate in life. It's like a stubborn child.. It will be on it's best behavior for weeks, even months... then one day.. nothing. 12 hours later, it will randomly start, just fine. I thought it was the starter. (Apparently) we know it's not the starter because we can hear the starter fuse clicking. We thought it was the battery (Even though it's only like 7 months old, "but even new batteries can go dead overnight" ) Well, it wasn't the battery (mutherfucker!) We thought "maybe the alternator". Not the alternator because we undid a battery cable and the fucker didn't die. Nothing makes sense... Nothing at all. (voodoo)

*Enter my neurotic, paranoid superstitious stupidity. *

I find that every time I go to my car, I'm holding my breath, praying for it to start.... Problem is, I don't fucking believe in prayer. This Christian, gone Pagan, gone Agnostic, now resides somewhere in the realm of WHOFUCKINGKNOWS, and most assuredly does not believe that God, or gods, or goddesses, or Flying Spaghetti Monsters, or Invisible Pink Unicorns or fucking Zarquon (which also translates to "fucking fuck") (which I have to say I love!) is going to tamper with the goings on of my engine workings based on whether or not I prayed for it not to... IN FACT, I find it more likely that a god-entity would be MORE LIKELY to fuck with the inner-workings of my vehicular nightmare simply because I had the gall to assume that It cared about it in the first place....

Yes, I think I've jinxed myself. (WHICH MAKES NO DAMN SENSE!!) (because I am a sensical person) (I AM! and Zarquon YOU Spell Check... 'sensical' is so a fucking word.. if not.. how can you be NONsensical..?) (Psam, ftw!) Then, I find myself evaluating my actions for any ridiculous faux pas I haven't yet eliminated... I started the car while the passenger door was still open... Did I wish it would start? Or did I just assume it would? If I hoped... then I was assuming the worse... and felt that a little wishing was needed.. If I just assumed it WOULD start.. then I was taking it for granted... and that is to be frowned upon.. THEN, I'm like "Whoa, Psam... this is silliness.. " and I'm like BLASPHEMOUS!!!! The god-things will hate you... Then rationale is like... The god-things don't give a crap about your thoughts.. they have god-thing things to worry about... Why do you think you're so damn special that you even appear on the god-thing's radar things??? BECAUSE MY CAR RANDOMLY WON'T START FOR NO FUCKING APPARENT REASON....Ergo.. god-things...

Then logic speaks up again. "Psam....... You are pathetically retarded!"

Logic is a BITCH!

So, this is my one... and only.... or last ...Prayer to the (Car) god-things.

Dear (Car) god-things,

PLEASE quit messing with my car. Please let me have the confidence to go to work.. and know that I'll be able to get home in the morning. Please let me have the confidence to go to the store.. or take my son to his counselor... or to swim practice... without having to worry that I'm going to be stranded a half hour from home. Please quit making me retardedly neurotic. Because I don't believe that you, or any god-thing, fucks with people on whim.... Please quit making me crazy.

Much love,
Psam.
So Mote It Be. Hallelujah. Peace Be With You. Go Forth And Prosper. Amen. Praise be to Allah. Word to Your Mother. Namaste.