Talk Thursday: Resisting the Urge

Both of my sisters are married now.
I almost didn't make it to Miseray's wedding on time, and I forgot my lipgloss and my camera.

Several times during the wedding people turned to me and said, "You're next!" or "Only one more daughter to marry off!".................... haha not likely. I kinda predict that I'm going to be one of those old cat ladies you see on Hoarders. Not that I really want to start hoarding cats or anything, but that future seems more likely than marriage. Lets get real, Miseray and the Brit were together for 8 years before they got married, my longest relationship has been about a year.. Never had one that wasn't dysfunctional. LOL I'm just being real. The upside of being an overweight homebody who hates the sun... well, I don't have wrinkles.

Is it wrong that I was tickled when those at the wedding I didn't know asked me if I was the baby of the family? I'm sure they were asking because of my unmarried state, but I'm going to pretend it's cuz I looked younger. (I'm 4 years older!)

Who knows. If I had a wedding to go to everyday, I might be able to snag a hubby. I looked damn good. Unfortunately, my life doesn't call for a lot of occasion to wear a cocktail dress. I feel like sending flowers to the girl at the store who helped me pick it out. LOL Guess what Psam's wearing to this year's holiday party?

Of course it isn't that I don't really WANT to get married, it's just that one, all of my relationships have been total duds. Two, I just don't trust marriage a lot. I think every girl dreams of the perfect relationship, the ideal man, the grand beautiful wedding, and life happily ever after... At one point last night, while getting the "You're next" line, I just smiled and responded, "I haven't met the right loser yet!"

I'm not sure what kind of crap my mom was trying to pull last night, but she decided to announce to my new brother-in-law's brother, that I think he has amazing eyes.. "OHhhhh, have you met my daughter Psam, she thinks your eyes are amazing!" WTF? Yes, his eyes are amazing, but really? Maybe we should have made me a sandwich board sign, "Last unmarried daughter. Free, OBO...Contracts negotiable. No returns or refunds. All sales final." No pressure. lol Maybe I need to start checking the singles ads just to make sure my mom isn't trying to pimp me out!

Ok, laughs aside. My sister, and the whole wedding, was beautiful. The food was amazing. I even liked some of the wine.The music was pretty good, ignoring the fact that my sister likes disco... ugg.. but it was fun. Aunt Rocky even got Burp out on the dance floor after I'd failed for hours to do so. Papa even got out there. I'm so happy to have the Brit in the family. He's a wonderful guy! At one point I heard him tell Burp, "Hey, I'm really your Uncle now." I thought that was so sweet.

Papa says if I ever do happen to get married, he'll pay me to elope. HA! Fuck that! If I sign away my self-sufficiency, I'm doing it with style. Why shouldn't I get the fancy dress and bride's maids and crap. I think it should be a bigger party for me, cuz I had to work harder for it! lol The one thing I had myself wondering about last night, was bride's maids. I only have one friend in my life these days that I'd want for a bride's maid. The other two are so far away, Australia and Alaska, I don't know if Tandy and Chole would be able to come. I can't think of anyone else I'd want to have up there with me. If I were to ever get that far, I'd be heartbroken if they couldn't. I would want Burp to give me away. And I think it would be humorous if when Dude says, "Who gives this women .. blah blah" I think my whole side should stand up and yell "WE DO!" lol That would be funny! Maybe disconcerting to his family though... But then again, no need to lull them into a false sense of reality, my family is disconcerting!

I don't know. Everything in due time. I might, I might not. Who knows.. Just not any time soon. Hopefully this won't be the conversation topic of the rest of my life though. Actually, I'm hoping now it will shift to "Miseray, when are you going to give us grandbabies?" haha Perhaps when people ask me when I'm going to get married I'll just respond, "I don't know, is Miseray pregnant yet?"

Two can play that game!

Talk Thursday: Garbage

There is a poem I have always loved.
When contemplating this topic... this part keeps ringing in my head...

“I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,”   ~"Love" by Roy Croft

This is the garbage. The stuff we want to let go of, but for whatever reason, can't. The junk that lies deep inside, going for eons without being noticed, until one day it pokes it's head out, and tears you apart.

For months I have been battling myself over what to do about my cousin's wedding. TD and I have an interesting history. I suppose technically, she is my former step-cousin from my mother's second marriage. To deal with the inner-drama with my cousin, I have to visit the drama with my former stepfather. I'm not sure what blog name my mom has given him, but I will call him EggSucker, simply because on the rare occasions my mom would lose her cool with him, she would tell him to "Suck Eggs!".. He hated it and the immature part of me still snickers about it.

My mom and the EggSucker got married when I was 4. My biological father has never actively been a father. He's floated in and out of my life when it's convenient for him, and I can honestly say he's only abstractly been instrumental in shaping me to be the person that I am. More like he's been a shining representation of everything I don't want to be. So, although the EggSucker could be a tad overly strict and often distant... he was my Dad... To the point that my biofather was given the label "Daddy Bob", and EggSucker was really "Dad"...

EggSucker's parents were Grandma and Papa, and his brother's daughter TD was my cousin. She lived in Seattle and mostly just came to visit during the summer. When we were little, I hated her. She was certainly grandma's favorite. When she came to visit, her stepsister and I would sneak away so that we didn't have to listen to her and grandma babytalk and vomitously love each other.

Interestingly, puberty changes people a lot. Middle School approached and TD moved to town. Somehow, we became the very best of friends for the next few years. True partners in crime. lol.. Looking back, I find it weird. I mellowed out a lot in those years, probably in part due to the fact that I became TD's handler. As bad as my temper ever was, her's was worse. Both of us are stubborn as hell though, so there was plenty of headbutting through the years.

My mom and the EggSucker split up when I was 13. That was a pretty hard time for me, due to that and other reasons, so really I don't remember too much of that year. It's all kind of a haze. I'm fairly certain it was about a year, maybe a tad bit longer that he stayed somewhat active in my life. The next summer I went and visited him for several weeks after he'd moved several hours away. Then he married his brother's ex-fiance, and completely removed himself from my life. TD had told me he was getting married. I remember so angrily telling her that he would NEVER marry her and not tell me. I remember the regret that showed in her eyes as she let the matter lie with a "Psam, I'm so sorry..."

A few months later, we got the invitation: To Cele and Family.......... I had gone from being his daughter and reduced to "And Family.." There are so many layers to this onion, it's hard for me to pick apart. The outside layer hates the wife. Blames her for everything. Longs to put a bullet between the bitch's eyes. The next layer knows that no matter what influence she had, a real father would stand up for his relationship with his daughter, blood or not. That layer hurts more.

A few years later, his mom moved down to be closer to him and his new family. Part of me understands that. Reason says she didn't have to disappear from my life though. There are layers that hate the EggSucker and his wife for taking my grandma from me... Then there is the layer that says she owns that responsibility. If I was ever truly her granddaughter, she should have stood by our relationship.

There are other bits to this. The fact that after a few years of absence, he showed up on my doorstep with a 10 day old baby, introduced me to my "Sister" and cried and said he was sorry and that he'd never disappear on me again. Then I didn't see him for another 2 years until his brother was murdered. The "Sister" was throwing a fit and he looked at me and said, "You want her?"... and all I could think was, "What? Throwing away one daughter wasn't enough for you?" But I didn't say it. I started bawling uncontrollably and left. I've never seen him since. That was April of 1994.

So, my cousin is getting married. At first, I didn't worry. She lives in Chicago now, and it's not like I have travel money. Then I found out, she's getting married an hour away.

The part of me that tries to be rational says, "You should do it for her." I love her so much. We haven't hardly seen each other in the last 10 years, but I love her. She is my cousin, and I miss her so much.

The realistic part of me says, "No fucking way!" There is no way I can be around those people and not have a nervous, hysterical breakdown. I have spent the last 20+ years ignoring and burying these emotions. I have not dealt with this at all. I'm sure that the EggSucker will be walking her down the aisle, as her father and grandfathers are dead... and I know that the anger and jealousy .... it would be too much for me. Not that I want him to walk me down the aisle someday, but GODDAMN IT! I want him to want to do it. And, yes, I'm well aware of how completely childish that is.

I would see his wife and his daughters....  I would be a wreck, and none of it would have anything to do with the fact that TD is getting married. Everything to do with the fact that these are people I love that have chosen not to be in my life.. for nearly two decades.

Probably all very reasonable feelings, but wrong time, wrong place.

So my cousin finally caught me on Facebook and asked if I was coming to the wedding. I bawled hysterically as I told her how much I love her and how much I wish I could go, but that I just can't do it. And I told her exactly why. She was upset, but understanding. And insistent on finding a way to come see me. She's going to come down early one morning when I get off work, and we're going to go to breakfast.

I'm happy I'll get to see her. I'm relieved that she understands.

I haven't dealt with my garbage. I don't know how. The first thought is maybe I need a counselor, but truthfully, I don't know how that will solve anything. It won't bring closure. But what am I supposed to do? Show up at EggSucker's door someday and tell him he didn't just leave a marriage, that he damaged me and stole my family? The worse part is that I worry that if I did have the balls to do that, that he just wouldn't care. Or what if he did? It's not like I want to repair our relationship... I just don't want to hurt over it anymore.

Talk Thusday: Next Time I'm President

Wooohooooo!!! This is the topic for me!

Not that I'll ever be President, but wow, where to even start?

I often get flack because I'm not so opposed to Communism, in theory. I've even been called a Socialist. I guess the best way for me to state my thoughts in that arena is with this; how horrid is it that we have a housing crisis in which people's homes are being foreclosed on, tons of homes lying vacant, and still have a homeless population? This just seems retarded to me. Totally fucked up. All because people want to make a buck.

I don't really feel that capitalism has worked for us. Don't get me wrong, communism and socialism have one major failing, they don't necessarily give people a clear road to the top, but I think that an uncorrupted communistic or socialist system keeps more people from being stranded at the bottom. Perhaps there is an economic system which is somewhere in the middle. If there is, I don't know the name for it.

My mama always said, "Nothing in this life is free." Unfortunately, in the US, I've some to find most aren't raised with this philosophy. People, especially those at the bottom, seem to feel they're owed something. We have generations of Welfare recipients who feel that using Welfare as your main income is the American way. Perhaps that's what it's become....

Americans bitch that we don't have socialized medicine, that we don't have free secondary education, but they aren't willing to pay the price for "free". No one wants to give the government "more control", no one wants to pay extra taxes. I find it hilarious that people fear "government control" of the medical community, yet hold their breath for the day their Medicare kicks in. What do they think Medicare is? Do you think it's right that the CEO of a company that owns 50+ US hospitals makes $7,584,981 a year while the staffing at his hospitals are cut and work with skeleton crews because they will not allow overtime to fill shifts? Does it seem right that the year I was laid off to save money, he received a 20% raise? Do you think it's right that medical costs keep rising, though Medicare and Medicaid only reimburse a fraction of what those without government insurance pay? How does that happen? The government can cap what they can be charged. Who pays the difference? EVERYONE ELSE! How do you stop that from happening? Make all insurance government controlled! How does the government pay for that? TAXES! Do Americans want to pay more taxes? Hell no.

Hmmmmmm

How do countries like Australia manage a "free secondary education"?... well, it really isn't free, that's how. They pay it back. Their wages are garnished after they graduate, at something like 50%.. until it's paid back. Would Americans go for that? HELL NO... Free should be free damn it!!.
How does Australia handle a Medicare-like system that gives all of it's citizens "free" medical??? It isn't really free. They pay out-of-pocket for their medical and prescriptions and then get reimbursed for part or all of it. Gosh, I wonder how much that cuts down on abuse of their system.... I bet quite a bit.

We are in the midst of a huge global financial crisis, which I don't understand... I mean, money has value because we give it value. Everyone owes everyone money, and everyone is in debt. It seems to me, that a majority of these debts should cancel each other out. Our government bailed out tons of big corporations to save them from bankruptcy. Just handed out money that they didn't really have. This isn't a popular opinion, but I think that the government should then OWN those companies.

Something like 20 years ago, a math teacher of mine gave an assignment to the class, "Solve the current problem of homelessness in the US". My proposition was to select companies that ship most of their jobs overseas and have them enter into a partnership with the government. Build facilities for manufacture and housing. Round up the homeless, offer them housing and jobs, and teach them skills. Not saying this is a perfect plan, but it's an idea.

How about the Welfare or Unemployment recipients who are not working, are not looking for work, and have been living in they system for years? Make them work for their benefits and don't penalize them for doing so. If you are a recipient, you have become a government employee. I don't care if it's Litter Patrol or an aide at your child's school. Mom's can't work because they've got 4 kids and no childcare? Build childcare facilities and employ some of these people to run it to watch the children.

There are plenty of things that can be done, that aren't being done. Plenty of "jobs" to keep people off their sofas (or the streets) and earning their way.

While messing with the Welfare system, I would mess a little more. I would go back to a voucher system, but more like the WIC program. Unfortunately, our current system does nothing to ensure quality of diet or even wise spending. People argue that they should be able to buy the groceries that they want... Well, you can.. Get a job and spend your earning on groceries. I'm not trying to be cold, but I hate it when I see people spending their food stamps on shit food and soda... or expensive steaks for the first half of the month and their kids live on peanut butter and Ramen the last half of the month.

I am also not opposed to what Florida is trying to pass, drug testing for recipients. I, however, feel that this should not be a roadblock to benefits but a stepping stone to treatment.

I'm an advocate for government sanctioned breeding. I think too many ppl who have no business breeding at all. I think at puberty everyone should be put on chemical sterilization and sometime time about 23ish tested and those too stupid to live,or seem to have no motivation in life, should just be kept on the sterilization chemicals. Implant, injection, I don't care. AND before anyone be allowed to procreate, they should either have to pass a Qualified Parenting test, or attend and pass parenting classes. Fuck the idea that parenting is a human right.

I would pull back on our military interests. I was kind of hoping Clinton would become President. I thought it would be interesting to see what would happen with the military. Women fight different. Women fight dirty. Women fight to win. I would beef up special ops forces and fight damn near everything on the down low. Much like Bill did in his presidency. If we occupy another country, we get compensated for it.. No more bailing out oil countries and footing the bill. No more being the world police. Aide NATO and the UN, sure, but I would pull way back. No more "humanitarian" efforts without it being a NATO or UN action.

There are many things within the government itself which needs to change. I would want to cap the number of terms for the Senate and Representatives and increase the number of terms for the Presidency. Though, this could be both good and bad. Look at the good Bill did in 8 years, look at the bad Bush jr did in 8 years. Obama can't fix it in 4, probably not 8 if he gets reelected. I bet Bill could have. I want a bumper sticker that reads "Blowjobs Can Save The World".
I would reclaim Clinton's line-item veto. I would do my best to outlaw special interest tag-ons to legislature. In general, try to clean up and streamline our government. There's simply too much bullshit.

Too much bullshit.

Does anyone seriously believe that Obama would have made it through the race for the presidency if their was any valid question as to his nationality? Do you really think the Republicans didn't dig and dig on this one? To have won and be in this third year as President, and to have this question still being debated is the epitome of retarded. Do the puppets not realize that this is just a ploy to muddy the waters? It should be a crime. To have people questioning his religious standing, should be a fucking crime. I think if a black Muslim lesbian ever ran for president, I would vote for her on principle, for spite, whatever you want to call it. If I were to be elected president, I might just makes some shit up like that to piss ppl off. "I'm 1/36th black, an atheist, and I love the pussy!!" Just for shits and giggles.

But I'm a bitch like that, and lucky for you... will never run for president.

Talk Thursday: I love to Bitch about.................

OMG... What don't I love to bitch about??

Actually, I don't think I bitch that much, I work things out verbally... (Does that sound better?)

I've been working a lot lately. I got a second resource job, this one back in patient registration. People either treat me like I don't know anything, or that I should know everything since I've done the job before... 5 years ago, on a different computer system.

I long for a new car and some C4, so I can blow up the current one. We think we've figured out the problem, the starter, now I just need someone to have the time to help me fix it.

Burp has started Pre-Team in swim. He seems to be doing well, though we've only completed one week. His coach thinks the back stroke will be his "thing" but has told him he think he'd make a great water polo player. Burp is excited to go to practice each day, and that is all I care about. I think at this point in his life it'll be incredibly good for him to have something that he feels he's good at and gives him a niche, of sorts. He's currently going 3 days a week, for 45 minutes. If he gets invited to join the swim team it'll be 5 days a week for an hour and a half. I hope he still enjoys it when it gets that intense.

Still waiting to hear about the Charter School. Every appendage that can be crossed, is crossed. 4th grade was hard for him socially and academically, I just think that it would be so much better for him to be in a school that is made up entirely of his real peers, to be taught to his strengths, and for the teaching staff to specialize in autism. I actually can't think of a better situation for him.

We started him on a new medication. Strattera. He's still on the Concerta, as it takes 4-6 weeks for us to really know the effect of the Stratterra. His psychiatrist thinks that if the Stratterra works as well as he's hoping, we might be able to take him off both the Concerta and the Zoloft. Trade a stimulant and an antidepressant for one, non-amphetamine medication? HELL YEAH!! It seems to be working really well already, on week two. HOWEVER, his counselor still says wait and see. He says that often it will seem to work really well at first, then not so much later. However, even in these cases, it still seems to work better than the previous meds... I'm like, what the hell's wrong with that?.. a little better is still better. AND IT'S NON-AMPHETAMINE!!! The first week seemed to go well... and we just upped the dose of Stratterra, next month we'll lower the dose of Concerta. I'm kind of thinking about calling the shrink and seeing if we can lower the Concerta early, since it seems to be going so well, but maybe it shouldn't be rushed. I don't know.

It makes me wonder... I did a little research on the two meds, how and why they work differently... They are both re-uptake inhibitors, one of dopamine and the other serotonin. (to be honest, can't remember which is which) I'm a little irritated that it took this long to try a totally different med. (This is where the bitch comes in) From the very beginning, I've been saying that while I saw a little improvement, I never saw the improvement I expected to see. All they did was up the Ritalin, changed to Concerta (12 hour time release), then up that. Then shuffle us to different doctors because the current doctor wasn't comfortable with the high dosing levels. WTF? WHY WHY WHY WHY???????????? didn't we ever try a different med? Not til I throw a fit and demand to know why we've never talked non-stimulant meds do we actually get to discuss one. When I research stuff and ask about it, they brush me off, or treat me like another "internet self-diagnosing pt"... Doctors are supposed to give you the information to make informed decisions... What a joke. You know what happens to people who have an opiate addiction??? Their bodies stop making chemicals that cause you to feel joy and euphoria.. That's why it's so hard for an addict to quit. There have been studies that show that children given amphetamines when they don't need them, have this same problem.. But when they first prescribe this med and you try to ask if this could cause problems later, they don't talk about the oopsies. They tell you that children medicated with amphetamines don't become drug abusers, in fact, it's more likely that if they don't have them they will end up self-medicating with street drugs.... They don't talk about the consequences of long-term use of amphetamine medications when it's inappropriately prescribed. Unfortunately, that's something you find out about later. They just tell you that if it's not the right med it won't improve his condition. Well, what if the problem involves both chemicals, serotonin and dopamine, but one only slightly, the other more so.... Then you'd only see slight improvement... right? Now it seems logical to me... but they never gave me the information to logic it out.

I am so angry about the current system of this thing. In Oregon, the schools are in charge of initial diagnosis. The school psychologist diagnoses your child and gives you a piece of paper to take to your pediatrician. Your ped gives you meds... ONLY if your child seems to not respond appropriately to the meds do you see a psychologist, then a psychiatrist.. NO ONE ever gives you literature. NO ONE ever gives you something that says, "These are your options... this is what ADHD is" OR AUTISM, for that matter. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this system? I have BEGGED my son's doctors for a referral to the CDRC, so that he can have a complete analysis of his issues, and they keep saying we don't need it. OK.... My son is diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, and Asperger's syndrome. Considering that the first two are often misdiagnoses of symptoms of the third, don't you think that it's logical to get a proper evaluation from people who fucking know what they're doing? Especially since he had 3 independent evaluations for each diagnosis and the first two never picked up on the third? What if there is something else going on? They only evaluate for the thing you're asking them to look for. Does he have ADHD? Yes......... ok... does he have Anxiety Disorder? Yes........ ok... are you certain he isn't autistic?.......... "We find it very probably that he has Asperger's Syndrome"................................. "I'll second that diagnosis", "OK, *sigh*, I'll support that diagnosis too."

WTF? Is this really how it's supposed to be?

I don't know if this is a rant or a bitch... but now I'm really fucking pissed off, and need to go.

Talk Thursday- Time Has Come Today..... a little late..

Spring is showing it's bright eyes.. and I am drawn to dig out my summertime feel good music. Yes, music can be very seasonal for me. For those of you that don't know me well, I find a well done remake orgasmic. Love them.

To be honest... I don't find the Ramones version of this song any better than the original, I just didn't know the song, so looking for blogging inspiration I searched it up and found this cover.

There are good covers that totally change the feeling of the song... Like Fatboy Slim's cover of The Joker or this cover of Dexys Midnight Runners "Come on Eileen" is a prime example of Cover Heaven!

 I am a Sublime fanatic, so I would be remiss to not add my absolute favorite Sublime cover, though there are many good ones... Uggg now I'm thinking of them all and having a hard time picking.. "Santeria", but right now... my FAVORITE Sublime song happens to be Scarlet Begonias.

 I just discovered that a song that I WAY love, that I thought was covered by Sublime, is in fact NOT Sublime... So here it goes, Murder One's great cover of a great Bob Marley song.
For some strange reason, I get a kick out of punk covers of 60's and 70's songs.


Of course, I could go on FOREVER and ever and ever............... so much great music out there. So much I haven't mentioned... but I will end with two excellent covers, that can't be beat. Definite winners in any cover war.

And though I love most of Metallica's Garage Inc it's a real toss up to the best covers on it. "Tuesday's Gone", "Whiskey In The Jar", "Turn the Page", and "Sabbra Cadabra" are AWESOME.. but my fav is their cover of Nick Cave's Loverman!!!

 Ohhhhhh I just thought of one more great cover!!!

Hmmmm just want to say... Wednesday night... James Durbin did an amazing cover of Muse's Uprising!

Ok... Really done... I listened to all of these songs while posting this.. You should too!
Also, a lot of these songs don't have official videos, so please excuse the boredom of others and my selection of their videos.. I often went for song quality, not video content. ~Kisses

Talk Thursday: Wants, Needs, Must (Dos)

I've been very bad lately.

I have not been doing any of the things I Need to do, have become overly immersed in what I Want to do, and barely keeping up with the Must Do's.

I've spoken before about Wrong Planet, an autism based web-community that I stumbled across one day. Well, I finally looked outside of the parent's forum... and ..... found a religion, politics, and philosophy forum. OMG.. I can debate religion every day with people who want to do the same!

I occasionally get sucked into the stupid/piss-me-off threads such as 'Why should government-based healthcare pay for lap-band procedure for the fat and lazy?" Yes, those are the threads that make me want to track a poster down and punch them in the face. Repeatedly.

I'm rather entertained by some... Ok... check this out.... LOL This is in a thread about the increase in catastrophic earthquakes being a sign that The End Of Times is Upon Us.

XXXX wrote:
Given one factor for the end of the world as we know it in the last sixty years, I think it might have been the introduction of the "pill" in 1960. It started a massive cultural revolution, more reality shattering than any earthquake we have experienced. Not saying it was a bad thing, but I think we have a different world because of it.

 

XXX Replied:
I just remembered something...

Was it last year or the year before when there was a number of women celebrating "Boobquake" day? Remember that??? Apparently a Moslem cleric over in Iran or somewhere declared that promiscuous women, particularly women who dressed immodestly, were the cause of earthquakes. In reaction, women started showing a little extra cleavage to see if it would indeed cause earthquakes.

It might have taken a while. The earthquakes in Japan and elsewhere as well as the tsunami and nuclear disaster were probably inevitable--but there is little doubt in my mind that the "Boobquake" day very likely accelerated the events of this year and other recent events. Thoughts???

Seriously??? My thought is that this line of thought is NUTS!! and... it kinda made me wish I wasn't fat, cuz I'd go around topless for a few days to see if I caused an earthquake.Yeeeee!

I did, however, get 5 loads of laundry done today.. which now waits on my bed to be folded... and I'm sitting here at 12:42am... trying to find anything to do but THAT! Unfortunately, it really falls into the MUST DO category. *sigh* I will have to sleep eventually.
I keep trying to do the dream Talk Thursday... but I keep forgetting them! I'll wake up and be like "oooh, that's a good one," but by the time I get a little coffee in me and can sit down to write... it's gone...

Talk Thursday: "Who, Me? Already?"

Pink socks make me a feel special.
I like my popcorn slightly burned.
Flashmobs make me cry.
That's weird, and I've absolutely no idea why.

I can watch reruns of House and NCIS all day, and be upset if I have to miss some.
I could eat teriyaki every day for the rest of my life.
Chocolate makes me crave cheese which makes me crave BBQ sauce...odd, I know.
This song always makes me want to dance....


I hate folding laundry, but I'm worse at getting folded laundry put away... still.
I hate washing silverware, and I swear I use my dishwasher primarily because of this.
I hate hate more than anything and hate that hate inspires me to hate.
I hate Lady Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas,
But find myself bobbing with Miley.


My son knows the quickest way to annoy me is to "Rah, Rha" or "Boom, Boom",
I sure hope he never chooses to be a cheerleader. (Is there a different name for boy cheerleaders?)
Or to stick his finger between my toes.... That makes me want to vomit. 
SpongeBob makes me want to claw my eyes out and drive nails through my ears.
But I find myself watching iCarly long after he's gone to bed.




I am rather impressed that I got so far before using my child to define myself.
Some might criticize that it too long for me to get to him, but this was an exercise of sorts.
An exercise to see how much of an individual I am..
Apart from my child... sad to say it mostly involved music and food.

*sigh*

Talk Thursday: Take The Long Way Home....

Seriously, I think I started crying when the first chords played.

When I was 5ish, my mom had an ancient old VW Bug that smelled of rotting vinyl and burning oil. We lived in a small town.. You could get anywhere in less than 5 minutes.. Much longer than that, and I'd start to feel nauseous. I had the horrible bad luck that I swear to Buddha, this song played any goddamned time we went anywhere. And when it came on, my mom would get excited and be like "OOhhhh Psam, Lets do it! Let's take the long way home..." And it didn't matter if we were 3 blocks from home.. she'd turn that rust bucket around and "Take the fucking long way home", which in truth... couldn't have been that much longer.. but it seemed like eons. Years later, I was digging through an old box of cassettes.. and you guessed it, Supertramp. All those years I thought I just had horrible luck.. Nope, dear old mom was plotting against me. I think she was hoping that one of those long ways would be my last and I'd keel over from carbon monoxide poisoning..

Tonight's American Idol topic made me thing of the Talk Thursday assignment.. but no, I'm a 3 whole years older than this song. I looked up the top 100 songs from 1976, and damn.. I was born in a year of shitty music. "Play That Funky Music", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "That's The Way (I Like It)", "Still The One", and "Slow Ride" are the only good songs on that list.. and I sure as hell couldn't sing them.. You think that's why they put the age limit they do on AI?? To screen out shitty music?

I've finally decided what my hypothetical audition song would be.. (Hypothetical cuz, I can't sing that well, and I'm from the shitty music year of '76)

Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground..
But sung like a confused girl who becomes a little more certain as the song goes on!
Put on your imagination cap...

It would be awesome!

Talk Thursday: Winning.....

As far as Charlie is concerned... I am somewhere between WTF? and pity.

I don't keep up on celebrities. Some how this ties into a 5-year-old little girl's deep fascination and love for the newly married Princess Diana and the disgust that grew from watching the press and public feed on the miseries of her life. I refuse to support it. I whole-heartedly refrain from being informed on their pitfalls, missteps, and self-degradation. I sure as hell don't want people shadowing me and my bad choices.

So, winning....

Burp wanted to vote for the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards (Yup! cuz we're just THAT dorky!)... and the category was Best Female Vocalist. Out of 4 choices, the last two were Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.
Burp: "Ahhhhhh it's too hard!"
Me: "Well, who do you like more?"
Burp: "I don't know!"
So I have a great idea... I go to YouTube and pull up videos. I start playing my favorite Katy Perry/3OH!3 song "Starstruck", which we've watched too many times to count. And we get to the good part, Katy in the fountain in the tight pink and black dress, soaking wet... and I'm sure, I mean absolutely positive, that Burp is 2 seconds from SOLD!
Burp: "Uhhhh, OK.. That solves it. Taylor Swift!"

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzWWwwwwuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkK! (you know.. needle scratching record sound)

Me(slightly dumbfounded): HUH?
Burp: "MOM! Katy Perry is HIGHLY inappropriate! This is the KIDS Choice Awards. FOR KIDS!! SHE HAS NIPPLES, MOM! She's way too sexy!. It's inappropriate! Taylor Swift for sure!"

Me: "Uhhhhhhh.....ok....."

..................... I'm still like.... w t f ?... but then I feel good too. Like "YAY, wholesomeness won!", "I must be doing something right!" .... but then the other part of me is like.... really?

So, winning.....

I have decided to wage a major battle on Burp's math issues. He is in the 4th grade and somewhere around the 25th percentile, but the school doesn't get concerned until they drop into the teens. (The TEENS, are you fucking kidding me????)  He can't count his 3's beyond, maybe, 21 and from there it just goes downhill. He does not understand that "countby's" directly correlate to multiplication, and doesn't get that division is just multiplication backwards. They never really had the kids learn times tables. He has only vaguely learned and retained any of these processes. Now, they're starting fractions and percentages.

Maybe you're wondering why I haven't addressed this sooner... I've tried... I've tried to explain to the teachers over the years that if I know what the curriculum is, then I can work on it at home. I've requested EXTRA homework. Most of the time, he only has math homework 1 day a week.. and that's a one page photocopy with no explanation of what's expected to be done. My mom helped Burp with fractions last weekend and was like "WTF is this?"

Well, I'm calling bullshit on the process and taking matters into my own hands... We're starting at the beginning and learning it all over again. I bought a big magnetic white board and rolls of magnetic tape and I've made "math magnets".

We're starting with 2's and the first thing he has to do is write and say his 2's. (2,4,6,8, etc.. to 100)

Then, with the magnets he has to put the "answer" magnets with the correct problem magnet, show me that his answer is right with "grouping" and pair that problem with the corresponding division problem and answer, again proving his answer with grouping. Then we go through and read them all out loud. (2 x 2 = 4, 4 / 2 = 2)

Then, I let him have 20 minutes or so off to play a multiplication based video game.

Then, back to the whiteboard. I put up a problem and he tells me the answer. (I do this because he always does them in order... I mix them up) He has a small whiteboard that he can work the problem on using grouping. Then he has to tell me what division problem goes with the multiplication problem.

We will do this the same way everyday until he seems to know it. Then move on to 3's.
I'm hoping that the repetition will help some with memorization, but some Aspie kids just can't memorize... Most Aspie kids suck at math unless math is their "THING". I just know that if something isn't done now... then either it never will, or right about middle school, they'll put him in special ed... and really, I have to say that would be a matter of the system failing him. It's obvious that he has a problem.. but at this point, it isn't severe enough for them to intervene. I don't understand this mentality. Instead of trying to catch it before it gets too bad (which I think it already is), they'll just pass it along until they can't ignore it anymore. BULLSHIT!

I will win this one.

There's no other choice.

Talk Thursday: Guilty Pleasures

1. COFFEE with just the right amount of the right creamer. (and yes, I try to give myself this EVERY day)

2. Slamming TimTams! (If you don't know what this is, or have never done it.. Wiki it! but use coffee)

3. Just shaved legs on fresh, high-count Egyptian cotton sheets. (Duh! This is the only reason I wash my sheets or shave my legs!)lol

4. Warm spring rains.
5. Wind storms. (Both of these make me retarded giddy)

6. Singing at the top of my lungs, alone on long car rides. (I will lie,cheat, and steal to get this alone time!)

7. The music of my youth; Bread, James Taylor, 3 Dog Night, The Grass Roots, The Monkees. (I think this was originally the music of my mother's youth... but I love it sooooo!)

8. Lemon verbena goat's milk soap. (not that I need a reason to bathe!)

9. Baking. (I hate when people "help"... )

10. Cajun shrimp boil. (OMG.... forget table manners, forget feeding your kid, forget your freaking name, just stuff your face!)

11. Adam Sandler. (.................................. I love him!)

12. House, NCIS, You're Cut Off!, American Idol, and House Hunter's International. (SOOOOO many hours thrown away here)

13. Reading. (I think I was grounded from books for most of the 4th and 5th grade. I would rather read than do anything..... well, except sex.... possibly. It would depend on who it was with.)

Wow, after that one, I re-evaluated my list.
1. I can't live without coffee, but nothing goes better with coffee than a book. I can live without sex.
2. I have slammed while reading. .... during sex.......... wow, ummmm NEXT!
3. Reading in bed is awesome! Shaved legs and nice sheets make sex good too.
4&5. I can read during a storm, can sex during a storm too.. both good.
6. Reading while driving and singing is not to be recommended. Sexing while driving...bad... and, for some reason, singing is not often appreciated during sex.
7. Music is good while reading or sexing.
8. Here we go, I will not stop reading to bathe, unless I have too... I prefer a bath in the vicinity of sexing and put off the sexing until the bathing has occurred.
9. You can bake while reading, but not to be recommended during sexing.
10. You can eat Cajun shrimp while reading, tho your book will get messy, again... not to be recommended during sexing..... there are places that don't ever want to meet that spice.
11. You can read during Sandler, you can sex Sandler. You can't read while sexing Sandler.
12. Can't really do either while watching Guilty Pleasure shows.. well you can, but you're certainly robbing a pleasure.

I don't know which wins. I think the bathing is the key to the answer. I just don't know how to decipher it. I will postpone bathing for reading, but I'll squeeze in an extra bath if sex is a possibility. What does that mean? Except that hygiene is important?

Talk Thursday: 30 (or so, we'll see) Things About Me

1. I hide.
2. Hence, the no blogging.
3. I don't lie well, hence the hiding and no blogging.
4. I don't trust people,
5. but I doubt my judgement, so I convince myself to
6. and I get burned.
7. I am too forgiving and unforgiving, all at once.
8. I love my son, he is my joy, my soul, my fears, and my dreams.
9. I want to be a soccer mom when I grow up.
10. I wish I could be a foster parent.
11. I wish I wasn't poor,
12. money doesn't buy happiness
13. but it relieves the stress and makes goals easier to attain.
14. The last time I went a day without coffee was 9 1/2 years ago.
15. I love coffee.
16. My mom has had the same coffee pot for more than a decade, I have burned through 3 in the last 10 years.
17. I love my Mom.

18. I can't think of anything I'd want to change about her.

19. She is dependable, trustworthy, strong, intelligent, confident, determined, giving, and kind... everything I strive to be.
20. I'm pretty good at some,
21. Not so good at others.
22. I love the wind,
23. rain,
24. and night.
25. I love to drink coffee while reading on a wet, windy night.
26. That reminds me of Dr. Seuss...
"The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold, wet day."
27. I love Dr. Seuss.
28. I don't know anyone named Sally.
29. I don't believe that Jesus was the "Incarnate Son of God".
30. My son does.
31. That makes me happy.
32. I believe in freedom of choice, thought, speech, expression, and all the inbetween.
33. Unless it's expressing yourself nude on a playground.
34. I believe in the death penalty.
35. I believe the government should control who can breed and who can't EVER!
36. Communism isn't bad in theory.
37. Ohhh, I made it past 30!
38. I cried on my 30th birthday.
39. I'm not where I wanted to be.
40. I love to watch House Hunters.
41. I feel extreme dislike for the people who whine about paint color or updating tiles.
42. You're buying a fricking $500,000 4 bedroom, 5 bathroom house and cry cuz there's no pool...?
43. People in Paris pay twice that for a shoe box apartment with no view.
44. People are crazy.
45. I yearn for a big house full of kids, .
46. and a big back yard with a golden retriever named Mattie.
47. I want a pool.
48. Burp and I could do laps every morning.
49. It would be great for both of us.
50. I love to swim.
51. I haven't been in a public pool in years.
52. My Mormons have forgotten me.
53. I haven't had a J.W. knock on my door in years.
54. I hate that most people can't sit down and have a rational discussion about religion.
55. I have friends who think "rational" and "religion" don't belong in the same sentence.
56. They're probably right.
57. In a few hundred years, will people think that David Koresh was really the second incarnation of Jesus?
58. I mean, in Jesus' life, few people believed him.......
59. I wish it would warm up and quit trying to snow,
60. My flower beds are a disgrace.
61. Spring is my favorite season.
62. I hate summertime.
63. I hate the hot.
64. I hate the bright.
65. I hate driving in the rain at night.
66. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with my eyes.
67. Some doctors are stupid assholes.
68. I'm too young for glaucoma
69. so my visual disturbances must be mental.
70. Maybe I am crazy.
71. I can think of much better ways to be crazy.
72. I have never lacked imagination
73. unless it's making up bedtime stories. I suck at that.
74. I'm not very good at staying in contact with people.
75. I hate talking on the phone.
76. I'm trying to pick up the phone more often.
77. That seems to be an odd comment to make.
78. Odder that picking up the phone gives me anxiety.
79. I am in love with Costa Rica.
80. I have never been there.
81. I have a crush on a boy at work.
82. He is a cute, nerdy teddy bear who betters himself and gives back to his community.
83. He tries on my lip gloss.
84. He is 9 years younger than me.
85. He coaches high school golf.
86. Golf is NOT a sport.
87. He went to Boise State.
88. I hate the Broncos and their stupid BLUE field.
89. We have agreed to disagree.
90. 9 years, golf, BSU, and he's Catholic... alone, nothing too major, altogether???
91. I've never had a "good" boyfriend.
92. I've only had one relationship that lasted more than 6 months and it was inconsistent and not healthy.
93. I'm 35 and too old for this shit.
94. I wish he'd ask me out.
95. I want a happy, healthy, comfortable family.
96. I want to teach my son responsibility, compassion, understanding, giving, and duty above self.
97. I want to practice what I preach.
98. I want to make a difference.
99. I want my son to take pride in who I am
100. Like I take pride in who my mom is.

Talk Thursday: Simplicity

This is what I long for most in life. What seems the hardest to obtain.

Nothing is more relaxing than a good cup of inexpensive, yet environmentally-responsible, coffee brewed with a pinch of cinnamon and softened with a splash of my favorite white chocolate macadamia nut creamer lazily sipped as I snuggle in my chair engrossed in whichever book has captivated me for the moment. Unfortunately, one can't spend her entire life with her nose between the pages ignoring the rest of the world. Damn it!


I long for more good friendships, or maybe just fewer soul-sucking friendships that only seem viable when I'm the one offering support, advice, and comfort.

I long for the days when an impersonal, enlightening, intellectual conversation wasn't a rare occasion used only to spark an argument by someone in need of a little drama.

I long for some companions that are not so blinded by, or comfortable in the blankets of ignorance that they happily swaddle themselves in.

When I say, "No, at some point, when you weren't looking... Humanity evolved and left you in the dust..."
And they respond, "I don't believe in evolution.." That they could understand the double-edged stupidity of that statement. I wish I could stop being astounded by it.

For that matter, I miss having companions who could understand a not-so complex, thinly veiled insult when one was directed at them.

If I could live in simplicity, even for just a little while, it would be bottomless cups of coffee, good friends who call or stop by just to say "hi" or make to me laugh, maybe make me think a little. It would be great to have a regular, set, work schedule where I could just go to work and do my work and not have inter-personal dramas. Pay my bills without worry. I'd like to give my son everything he needs and a little of the stuff he just wants.

I don't ask for perfection, imperfection is what makes us value and appreciate life. I don't ask for overabundance, but a little breathing room would be nice. A period of smooth sailing, in which the only storms that crash and rage can be enjoyed from the dry side of a window.... would be greatly appreciated.

I feel like I've had a lot of crappy years, end on end... Maybe I'm whining, or being self absorbed, but I think I've had more than my fair share.

Maybe this is my year...

The Year of Simplicity.

Talk Thursday: Things That Make You Go "Hmmm?"

So I'm reading this book.. "This Will Change Everything" by John Brockman. In 1997 he started www.edge.org and invited the nation's top thinkers to join the group. He got together astrophysicists, molecular biologists, evolutionary biologists, computer scientists, neuroscientists, cognative scientists, mathematical physicists, quantum-mechanical engineers, scientists in fields I've never heard of, nor can I pronounce- and added a mix of M.D.s and psychologists, writer's and artists. His idea was to get these "thinkers" to ask each other the questions that they ask themselves.

Each year, on the anniversary of the formation of this group, he poses a question to them. They answer in a brief essay and he compiles those into a book. Last year's question was this:

WHAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING?

"What game-changing scientific ideas and 

developments do you expect to live to see?" 

 The replies have definitely offered some food for thought, some interesting... some just plain scary. Multiple entries talked about chips implanted in the brain for multiple purposes. One idea was that cell phones would become obsolete. Instead of dialing on a phone, we'll think of the person we want to call and "poof", we'll dial them up in our heads and think our conversations to them. Scary. How would you separate out what you want to say, and the random other thoughts you have? No more calling in sick when you aren't. The up side is that you'll never have to stay on the phone during a boring conversation anymore... of course, after a little while you won't have anymore friends. What about random sex thoughts? Trust me, you don't want to know the things that go on in my head.

 Speaking of which, another person suggested chip implants for telepathy. Every downfall I just mentioned, with no dialing. With that concept, it wouldn't just be the 50 friends, co-workers, and fellow Scout mom's in my address book that had access to my fucked up brain, but every random stranger too. On the flip-side, I don't want to be privy to the random thoughts of anyone else either. Well, I guess it could have a few benefits. Your kids would never be able to con you. You'd always know exactly where you stand in your personal relationships. Trust would become obsolete. Would lying become obsolete, as well? That would be an interesting development for humanity. What would that mean for us?

   On one hand, premeditated crimes would probably go down. Someone is sure to pick up on the thoughts of someone planning a crime, but then do we intervene and how do we do so? Do we punish people for thinking about committing a crime? No one would be able to lie to police or the courts anymore. What happens to pleading the 5th when our very thoughts can incriminate us? Forensic science would become an archaic practice. Would we need to prove guilt beyond the defendant's own thoughts of guilt or innocence?
  Potential child molesters and rapists could be found out before the crime was ever committed.
  Suicide rates would probably go down but our psych-ward populations would sky rocket. Mental illness wouldn't be able to hide any more. Would the ability to clearly read someone's thoughts help us diagnose and cure mental illness? Will we be able to deduct what makes a person tick and what is ticking off-kilter and will we develop the ability to "fix" it? If we can't cure them, will we just detect that someone isn't "right" and lock them away before they have the ability to act on their illness?
Interesting to contemplate.

Another idea presented several times is the great advancement in Artificial Intelligence and robotics... to a terrifying degree. It has been speculated that we will come so far in this advancement that the current debate of same-sex marriage will be a minor conflict of the past as people fall in love with, and petition for the right to marry their robotic companions.... What hope is there for human companionship when you can create a loved one, made to order, who is not just precisely to your specifications, but has the technology to grow with you? How many generations until humanity breeds itself out?
Follow me for a second. Initially, the people who don't create themselves a perfect spouse will have at least one of three reasons; financial, ethical, or moral. As the practice becomes more common, ethics and morals will change. I see that in a relatively short period of time the only people who wouldn't do this would be those who can't afford to, or those who don't for religious reasons. As time goes by, as with anything else, it will be less expensive to buy the technology. I hate to generalize here, but eventually it will get to the point that the people who can't afford to do so, will be the sub-par people. Meaning, those without the intellect or the drive to do well for themselves economically. Those will be our breeders. As time goes by, how long will it be before we as humans see that what we have created is better than what God did with us? How long until God becomes inferior and obsolete?
If you think the job market sucks now, think about what will happen when our "perfect" spouses assume a human life to enable a better, more authentic, connection with their spouse. Who would hire an inferior human when they have the ability to hire a "perfect" applicant?
 When we have the means to create ourselves the perfect spouse, what about then creating the perfect child? Would it be considered immoral to create a robot that is the perfect 7 year old, which can just be turned off when you have to go to work? or programmed to not need a babysitter? Could you keep it 7years old forever? When you no longer want to be a parent can you just recycle it? What if we develop the technology to allow these "children" to grow chronologically? How long would it be until we have a robot race and no more, or very few, humans?
Taking that prior thought a little further. If we grow "perfect" children chronologically, and develop them to leave the nest and strike out on their own, give them a synthetic love, will they be required to tell future companions that they are not human? I'm, in a way, drawing a comparison to those who go through gender-reassignment and the debate of moral obligation(?) in telling future companions. Some think that morally that information should be shared. Some strongly disagree. (I very much see both sides of that debate..)  But what if we're talking about not having to tell someone that you're a real person? Will we eventually get to the point when the concept of a "real person" is changed forever?

What happens when we become the endangered species? The Earth will become a happier, healthier place... I suppose it would be karma. With our technology, we have killed off so many species. It's a bitter funny, but our intellect might be the end of us.

Talk Thursday: Equinox

I thought I was pagan for awhile. I simply knew that I could no longer call myself Christian, and lacked a better term. I studied it a bit, but never considered myself a witch or a shaman, or any of the other things, but I believe in the power of the mind and meditation, herbal healing, and I've always felt God in nature... I thought I'd finally found my way.

At some point, I realized that though I no longer believed that The Bible was the Divine Word, it's impossible to shake off your roots. There was a major war going on in my soul. I still believed in God. I still believed that God is good. I just don't believe that Christianity has the whole and complete Truth. In my opinion, it offers several interpretations of a partial Truth.

I haven't had Eucharist in some 16 years, I sometimes have panic attacks about it- even though I really don't believe in it.

When my son was born, I had major anxiety about whether or not to have him Christened.

I believe that God knows what's in my heart; He knows my needs, my fears, my joys, and my dreams. I don't believe that prayer is necessary.... but it took me a long time to realize that this doesn't mean I can't talk to God. For a long time I felt like I was giving into the programing of my youth. I felt hypocritical. .. like if I don't believe in the tenants of the faith- I shouldn't uphold the practices. Then I realized, that's just retarded... I'm pretty certain anyone with faith talks to God.

I get upset when people accuse me of having abandoned God. I guess that I look at it as my faith in God is so strong, I don't need to have all the answers... I don't have to believe that the Bible is 100% actual and factual. I can believe in science and God at the same time. I can be wrong and know that my God will still love and forgive me. Some accuse me of having abandoned God, but don't know their religion well enough to debate the issue with me so I can explain the things in THEIR faith that cause me to believe the way that I do.... It's frustrating when they admit that they don't know the Bible as well as I do, so they can't have this conversation... But I've abandoned God.

Most people cannot grasp that instead of believing "because the Bible told me so", I believe because I feel the overwhelming love of God in my soul and I have blind faith in that love. I can believe in God with a logical mind and not be afraid to say, "That doesn't make sense, I don't believe it." That doesn't contradict my faith. That doesn't lessen my faith. In my mind, it means I'm secure in my faith, and, in fact, strengthens it. I have a broader acceptance of God... I don't limit myself to one flavor of God. I think all the religions offer something beautiful and insightful on their path to God.... (Ok... except Scientology... but in truth.... I really can't consider them a religion.. which I know isn't fair..."Judge not, least ye be judged.." but I still haven't wrapped my brain around those people.)

As God said to Moses, "Ehyeh asher ehyeh"

I am who I am.

And I know that He understands me.... after all, He made me this way.. Right?


I hear His voice on the wind.
I feel His touch in the rain.
I feel His caress as the sun warms my skin.

God is with me and I am His to judge. Not yours.

Talk Thursday: It's Not Rocket Science!!

So I've made reference to my Missionary Boys before.... I've got a new one that seems to love to challenge me... but I'm not sure how prepared he is to have me challenge him right back.

When discussing my NON belief in Hell or Satan or some such, he asked... "Don't you believe that everything has a counterpart? If you believe in Heaven, doesn't there have to be a Hell? And if you believe in God, doesn't there have to be a Satan?"

So I smiled sweetly and said, "Then you agree that there's a Goddess?"
His eyes bugged out a little and I continued, "Doesn't God make the rules? I don't think He's bound by the Marxist Law of Opposites."

Because no, the only Hel I believe in is the Norse goddess that was believed to protect and guide people to the realm of the afterlife, also called Hel. I KNOW!!!.... what are the odds that a Norse pagan mythology and Christianity would call it the same thing? Those pagans need to come up with their own ideas. Sheesh!

And Satan? No.... I can't believe in that theory either. Why would God, Jehovah, El-Elyon, Yeshua, Yahweh... the ever-perfect, Almighty Father, in His infinite wisdom create a being with enough strength to challenge him... then turn over so much power to him? Why would God, knowing us and our imperfections, knowing that we are born into this world as sinners, sanction us to an eternity of Hell for those sins? I ain't no rocket scientist... but don't tell me that a GOD, The God, can't have common sense...

And while we're on the subject.... tests? Why do people think that God has nothing better to do than sit on his throne and cast down trials and tribulations upon our heads? It's like some people really believe that God is a sadistic child with a magnifying glass on a hot day and we're nothing but His ants. This comes up because of my previous inquiry as to being punished for being sinners...... when we are born that way cuz God in His EVER-SO-INFINITE wisdom had the WHOLE freaking world to give to Adam and Eve... and put them right next to the tree that screwed us for eternity. A test? .... really? God's going to start it all by giving us a shot to fuck it ALL up? And I'm not sure when the war in Heaven started... but I know that angels came down and did a bit of frolicking with the dirty humanoids... so obviously post-Eden... My question here is.... God made man, put us in paradise, and Lucifer.. in the form of a snake, seduced Eve to the apple... and God punished her and her progeny till the end of time, and DIDN'T so much as give Lucifer a spanking.... ??? Who was REALLY God's favored child?

Why do Christians get so mad when you refer to the Bible as mythology? I certainly don't mean it as an insult. In fact, though I often point out that certain occurrences or ideas are not original to, nor isolated to Christianity- the fact that there are common themes and occurrences throughout most major religions is, to me, proof of some kind of Truth. In the same breath, the fact that so many, vastly different religions sprang from ideas based on the same Book, or parts of it, makes it impossible for me to say that any single one of them is The Right One.

One of my most favorite movies in the world is Dogma... I love this statement...
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.

Thank you Kevin Smith! One more.....

Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

Some people might have a problem seeing past Jay and Silent Bob to get the meaty messages of this movie... But Kevin is brilliant! and it just goes to show.... that It's Not Rocket Science!!!

TT: Odds & Ends..... addition

I promised to add the pic of Ash's broken leg when I got it...

I think the toes are supposed to be pointing up!

Talk Thursday: So I Have To Ask....?

So I have to ask...... Why do the people I know prefer to call me for medical advice, instead of their doctor? For the most part, I don't mind.... The investigation part is interesting for me, but I'm not a doctor, or a nurse... I'm a freaking secretary. Albeit an ER Unit Secretary, but my medical training is INCREDIBLY limited.

It started several years ago when a roommate had some lab work done and came to me concerned because her glucose came back fairly elevated. I asked to see her previous levels, and then asked her if anything had changed between the normal one and the elevated one. The doc had changed some of her meds in that time. I did a little investigation and found that one of her meds was contraindicated for diabetics.... The easy answer for me would be because it must mess with your sugars.... ta dah!

Yesterday, I got two calls. Call one came from my friend who broke her leg and just got out of the hospital. She hasn't pooped in a week and wanted to take a laxative, but the box says that if you're pregnant, call your health care professional.. My advice: Call your pharmacist.

The second one came at 2300, from a friend that just had lab work done and her Vitamin D came back low..... Why would that be? What causes that? Hmmm, I know she's outside a lot... No, she doesn't drink milk... But I also know that Vit D isn't a standard chemistry screen, so why did her doctor test it? I asked what meds she's one so I can investigate those.... Albuterol and a thyroid drug.. Hmmmmm, Vit D isn't really a vitamin, it's a hormone... FIve minutes later, I confirm... It's either due to the med or her thyroid hormone. I tell her to take the supplement her doc prescribed and send her a list for a Vit D rich diet. (It's always easier for your body to utilize what it gleans from food sources rather than supplements).

Last week, a friend without medical insurance calls me.. She's pretty sure she has pitted keratolysis, but can't afford to go to the doctor if she doesn't HAVE too. I get this. I did some investigation.. If she is right, it's caused by bacteria when the feet get hot and sweaty. She's a waitress.. duh. So, home remedies... I explain to her that if she went to the doctor they might give her a topical or oral erythromycin. Bacteria is pretty sensitive to pH, so I suggest she do vinegar baths and alternate with tea baths (tannin will dry out the affected area) and get some tea tree oil and use that topically. Also, change your socks, cotton, several times a day and alternate shoes, don't ever wear the same pair two days in a row. Go barefoot as much as possible. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell if my suggested treatment would really work, because she keeps forgetting and will probably go to the doctor anyway.

My favorite call ever... About 3 weeks ago, I was at Ash's house (yes, the broken-legged laxative friend) and an exboyfriend started blowing up my phone. I ignored the first 6 calls, 6 calls in 20 minutes, then finally answered a bit annoyed. "What? Is someone dying? What's your freaking emergency?"
He responds in a frantic voice, "It IS an emergency!"
Me: Ok.... what's going on?
Idiot: Well, I don't know what to do... It's embarrassing and I don't want to go to a doctor...
Me (Rolls eyes) : Ok... What's going on?
Idiot: Well, I've been going to the pool a lot. And swimming.
Me (No shit? Is that what those are for?) To him: uh huh?
Idiot: And I had my lady friend shave my body.... my whole body.

(Did I mention we've been broken up for two years? All I can think is, poor lady friend!)

Me: Ok?
Idiot: And this is really embarrassing.... I have an ingrown hair, I think, on my asshole.
Me: ..............................................*choke back laugh*........ ok..?
Idiot: And I don't want to go have some doctor guy look at my asshole. My lady friend looked... I don't know what to do.. It hurts... Should I pop it? I called my mom and she said to sit in a warm salt bath. I called my cousin, and he said stab it with a needle... I called my other cousin and she said to have my lady friend squeeze it... My aunt said to leave it alone and go to the ER... What do I do?

Me: ............................................ Um, How long have you had it?
Idiot:  30 minutes!
Me (In my head: and you called me 7 times and half of your family?) To him (Still trying desperately to not laugh) : Well, Epsom Salt  bath would be good...  If it is an ingrown hair, or something of that type, that will help it come to a head... (but..I'm thinking probably a rrhoid) Yeah, ummm, I wouldn't squeeze it or STAB it... There's a fairly significant blood vessel that runs around your anus..... don't go stabbing at it. Really, there are several possibilities of what it could be.... But I don't want to look at it... Really, I'm not going to look at it... Ummm, if it gets significantly worse, or doesn't seem to get better in the next 4 or 5 days... You're going to have to have a professional look at your ass.. Sorry.

At this point, Idiot starts ranting and raving to the point that everyone in the room is staring at me with shit eating grins on their face and now the kids are interested too!

Me: Don't yell at me, dumbass, I'm not a damned doctor, most certainly not an ass doctor. You want a better opinion, go show someone your ass! Otherwise, chill out. You aren't bleeding. You're not going to die... at this point. (DAMN!) Wait and see how it goes.. it's been 30-fucking-minutes! Ohhh.. and quit shaving your asshole!

And I hung up!

Everyone knows you're supposed to wax it! Sheesh!

Talk Thursday: Odds and Ends

OMG! I can soooo do this one too!

This is the first day that I've actually had a whole 22 hours between scheduled events... albeit, half of that was spent sleeping.

This was Cub Scout Day Camp week, and Ohhhhhh what a week it was! This year I got to run the Tot Lot- lemme tell ya, it was so much fun!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!" I loved my Tots. I got all the younger siblings of the Scouts whose parents came to volunteer. At first I was like "OMG, how am I going to keep all these kids occupied??" Then I got the bright idea to get some river rocks, and spend a day making pet rocks.. It was such a hit, we did it all week! I couldn't tell you how many pounds of rock we lugged to camp, but the kids loved it and had tons of fun!!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!" I gave away most of my good ones.. but here's the paper mache one I made.

We had fun. "TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!"This year the Springfield Police Department, Oregon State Police, and the US Forest Service we such a wonderful presence at Camp.

One day one of the K9 Units came out and did a demo at lunch and the next day the SWAT team came out..(Ok, this pic wasn't taken at camp.. this was at the K9 Competition a few weeks ago, and this isn't even the Unit that came to camp- but I didn't get a pic of it) And the last day, Smokey Bear visited.

We spent most of the week painting rocks and going to the playground. On occasion the kids did just play in the Tot Lot! I got lots of compliments that this was this years Tot Lot was the best ever! The kids seemed to have fun and wanted to come back each day. "TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!!"

The Big Kids had fun too!"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!!" Burp is tanned and covered with mosquito bites. I have a groovy bite on my forehead. This years camp theme was CSI: Cub Scout Investigators.  They learned how to pour molds of foot prints, learned to make and care for campfires and how to cook on them, the standard sports they do every year, and of course... bbgun and archery.

One of the most favorite things of camp any year, is the obstacle course. On the last day, a good friend of mine decided to give it a go, as her son had been begging her for years. Ash fell from the zip-line and broke her tib/fib in glorious fashion. I'm trying to get her husband to send me the pic of it... I might have to add it later. The ambulance came and the took her to the ER and the next morning she had a plate, a rod, and a bone graft put in. She's to be off her feet for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I feel really bad for her. She's 10 weeks pregnant and everyone is giving her shit about "Your pregnant! What were you thinking?" Well, she didn't fall cuz she's pregnant... she probably fell because it was hot and sweaty out. And the baby is fine... and the OB-GYN wasn't concerned at all. I'll probably be at her house helping out quite a bit for the next few weeks... Not only does she have 2 kids, but she has 2 live-in residents that she cares for- a 50 year old Down's lady with Addison's and a 36 year old mentally retarded lady.
There was a bit more drama than usual at camp this year, but it mostly involved adults who apparently hadn't gone through the Scouting program as youths because their behavior was deplorable. Luckily, the boys were pretty oblivious to it all and still had a lot of fun.
"TOO MUCH FUN IS NEVER ENOUGH!"

My 22 hours is up... time to go to a birthday party.

Talk Thursday: Respect in the Morning.....

It figures, huh? I haven't done a Talk Thursday in quite awhile.. and this is the one that strikes a chord..... LOL.

When I was younger, there were a few birthdays that my mom got my annual numerology reading or a few times that we went to psychic fairs and had our cards read.... Somewhere, at some point... I was told that my life lessons this time around was to "learn to temper drugs, alcohol, and sex..." Looking back, I have to wonder (just a tiny bit) if that was mom's way of slipping in the message... Did you slip someone a $20 to give me that message? hehehe

I've done pretty good with the drugs and alcohol.... I tried pot... that was all I was brave enough to have a go at, and OMG it makes me horribly ill. Alcohol, I had enough examples of who I didn't want to turn out like, and a strong mother who never hid the ugly truths, so drinking was never much of an issue. Sex...... Well, who hasn't made bad choices, right?

I think I've finally figured out the sex thing... When your younger, despite all the sage advice a young girl is given, sex is still the bloody weapon that hangs over your head to threaten your happiness. "He wouldn't want to if he didn't like me," or "He won't like me if I don't." As an adult, I've finally come into my own. I don't need a man in my life to make me whole. Yes, it would be nice... but it isn't required. I've learned to listen to what the man says, not try to interpret what he does.... cuz men aren't that smart. If they say they don't want a relationship but still want to have sex. It's just sex.. No hidden agenda. They don't play games like girls do... "Ya get what ya get."

Most important.... In the end, it doesn't matter if HE respects you in the morning... What matters is, will YOU respect YOURSELF in the morning? Men come and go, but you have to live with yourself forever. If you can, that's all that matters.

For the last month, I've been turning down sex on a regular basis.. and to be honest... part of me is like "PSAM!!! what are you doing??" But the sane, logical part knows that I wouldn't be able to respect myself... Too many personal rules would be broken. We've been friends for several years. We've screwed around before, just never closed the deal. But... I have someone else that I see on occasion... We're not "in a relationship", but you shouldn't take your car to multiple mechanics.... right? And.. this friend, he has a live in girlfriend.. who I've met, who is sweet and nice- and that would just be wrong. He's tried to tell me it would just be once.. to get it out of the way.. but if you break the rules once... it makes it easier to break the rules a second, third, or who knows how many times. Monogamy isn't just for marriage, it keeps the vagina healthy and happy! and well, your vagina is your best friend.

So my other "friend" that I've mentioned... we collaborate on occasion. No relationship, we've both agreed that isn't what we're looking for in one another... His sister is a good friend of mine, we spend a lot of time together as we're neighbors and our kids are close friends... Yesterday, he got drunk and tried  to tell me that if I continued to be friends with his sister, then he and I couldn't be friends anymore.... Ohhh no you didn't! We had just had this conversation the day before... That I will not be controlled or have my actions dictated to me. I don't know what the hell he was trying to prove... But that shit don't fly with me. I politely responded, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's your choice."  Apparently, he sobered up pretty quick, cuz he was like "Ohhh honey, baby, I'm sorry..."

My mama taught me that boys only call you "baby" to manipulate you. Not exactly her words, and I've broadened the lesson a bit.. but same diff.

Anyways... I think I've learned my lessons. I've got this!

Thank you mom!

Talk Thursday: Expectations

 It's a third Friday... *happy dance*

This means that Burp is at my mom's. His tradition there is fast food Friday, which he lives for since he rarely, almost never gets it at home. My tradition is that I make a meal of the foods I don't eat normally because Burp doesn't like them.

I know... I know. Lots of people think that kids should eat what ever is put in front of them, no matter what. You shouldn't cater to your child, blah, blah, blah. To be honest, I think that's, for the most part, bullshit. For the most part. Yes, I think it's insane when Whiner's mom gives him pizza or tv dinner's every night because "He won't eat anything else..." He's 7 years old and and weighs 120 pounds and I've never seen him eat a piece of fruit or vegetable.

But I think that if your child eats a balanced diet, then who cares if they don't like certain foods? I refuse to eat mustard, zucchini, brussel sprouts, I don't like most spicy foods and I don't really care much for beans. It irritates me when people are like "Ohh, you've never tried mine, you'll love it." Ummmmm chances are, no I won't. So I'm put into a position where I feel obligated to try, and then to be rude and say I don't like it, or to lie and choke it down.

When I was a child my mother made me have a little of everything. I remember sitting at that table staring glumly at those 4 brussel sprouts covered in cold congealed cheese sauce. It became a power struggle. I wasn't allowed to get up until they were gone.. And I was a stubborn child. Eventually my parents would go to bed and I'd start trying to figure out ways to get rid of them. The dog wouldn't eat them. (And shit, that dog ate EVERYTHING) Usually, I split the difference. I choked down two and buried one deep in the garbage and flushed the other one down the toilet. There was several times I saw 2 or 3 am from that table.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing my mom, or other's that use this method. (I know my mom grew up in an "Eat it or wear it" house, so I'm eternally greatfull that she tried a different tactic.) I just personally, don't see the point. It didn't make me like those foods. The thought of mustard steak still makes me want to gag. It didn't make me more adventurous when trying new foods. And in a two person household, it doesn't make sense to waste the money on food that 50% of the family will refuse to eat. To me, the only thing to gain by forcing him would be to prove that I'm the "boss", and I have other ways to assert my authority. I have him try new foods, but if he doesn't like it.... fine.

So tonight, I'm enjoying a Cajun chicken sandwich on a ciabatta roll with a red onion, red pepper, and carrot pasta salad. (And corn on the cob, which Burp LOVES, hahaha)
Not a crumb was wasted. No fight. Just yumminess.

The best lesson I've learned as a parent is to PICK MY BATTLES, and trust me- there are plenty of those. Forcing Burp to eat foods he doesn't like when there are so many that he does, just seems like a stupid reason to pick a fight.

I'm certain the next world war will be over mustard. Ugggg, vile, evil, nasty stuff.