Sunday, May 30, 2010


I worked 11 hours yesterday and got home and in bed at almost 2 am. I have to be back to work at a quarter to 10 am. What was I thinking? Ohhhhhh, money.. That's right. (Little secret, just between you and me..... I should have been born independently wealthy.... Love my mom as I do, I'm sure the stork delivered me to the wrong place...... *sigh*)

I didn't sleep for shit last night. The first several times I drifted off, I was startled awake because, I swear to Buddha, Someone was calling my name. Female, and unhappy. Whoever you were, I didn't get the whole message.. Next time, don't psychically berate me at 2 am, just text. I'll get it in the morning. Sorry I pissed you off.

Then I had a dream someone sneaked up behind me and choked me out. A bright flash of orange light and a painful inability to breath. I must either have a really guilty conscious, or I really have pissed someone off. Look, I'm sorry!

Then I had a porn dream about one of my gay friends.. That was so weird, I had to text him and tell him as soon as I woke up. Which I'm sure he won't get for HOURS... it's Sunday and I'm sure he didn't get into bed until at least 2 am too. (He does have a boob thing when he's drinking... )

What would Freud say?

Then I got an email to "Join today!" FUCK THAT! I'd probably get a guy who's really a girl and angry about it and chokes me out! I've watched plenty of daytime talk shows. If he won't let you see his penis, OMG... you better make sure he has one!!!
No for me, I can read the signs.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Morning Ritual


Wiki recent deaths. Yes, I do this nearly every morning. OMG Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper.
Art Linkletter last week.
Sometimes I see interesting trends. This month, 14 former Olympians, 7 poets, and 5 chess players. Hmmmm...

Then I go over to CNN.... Check on the oil leak. Still ugly...
Look at some of the headlines. Hmmm England has someone claiming to be a cannibal. I didn't read the article to verify. Nice to see we don't get all the crazies..
In Seoul, South Korea the court sought a 5 year sentence for a couple who let their 3 month old baby starve to death while they played 12 hour sessions of an online 3-D fantasy game, Prius . The premise of the game..... to raise a child and as she ages she gets magical powers. The court returned a 2 year sentence for the 41 year old father... but the 25 year old mother's sentence is suspended... Why? Because in August she'll be having another baby!!

Can I get an "OMGWTF! Really?"

Friday, May 28, 2010

Talk Thursday: Expectations

 It's a third Friday... *happy dance*

This means that Burp is at my mom's. His tradition there is fast food Friday, which he lives for since he rarely, almost never gets it at home. My tradition is that I make a meal of the foods I don't eat normally because Burp doesn't like them.

I know... I know. Lots of people think that kids should eat what ever is put in front of them, no matter what. You shouldn't cater to your child, blah, blah, blah. To be honest, I think that's, for the most part, bullshit. For the most part. Yes, I think it's insane when Whiner's mom gives him pizza or tv dinner's every night because "He won't eat anything else..." He's 7 years old and and weighs 120 pounds and I've never seen him eat a piece of fruit or vegetable.

But I think that if your child eats a balanced diet, then who cares if they don't like certain foods? I refuse to eat mustard, zucchini, brussel sprouts, I don't like most spicy foods and I don't really care much for beans. It irritates me when people are like "Ohh, you've never tried mine, you'll love it." Ummmmm chances are, no I won't. So I'm put into a position where I feel obligated to try, and then to be rude and say I don't like it, or to lie and choke it down.

When I was a child my mother made me have a little of everything. I remember sitting at that table staring glumly at those 4 brussel sprouts covered in cold congealed cheese sauce. It became a power struggle. I wasn't allowed to get up until they were gone.. And I was a stubborn child. Eventually my parents would go to bed and I'd start trying to figure out ways to get rid of them. The dog wouldn't eat them. (And shit, that dog ate EVERYTHING) Usually, I split the difference. I choked down two and buried one deep in the garbage and flushed the other one down the toilet. There was several times I saw 2 or 3 am from that table.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing my mom, or other's that use this method. (I know my mom grew up in an "Eat it or wear it" house, so I'm eternally greatfull that she tried a different tactic.) I just personally, don't see the point. It didn't make me like those foods. The thought of mustard steak still makes me want to gag. It didn't make me more adventurous when trying new foods. And in a two person household, it doesn't make sense to waste the money on food that 50% of the family will refuse to eat. To me, the only thing to gain by forcing him would be to prove that I'm the "boss", and I have other ways to assert my authority. I have him try new foods, but if he doesn't like it.... fine.

So tonight, I'm enjoying a Cajun chicken sandwich on a ciabatta roll with a red onion, red pepper, and carrot pasta salad. (And corn on the cob, which Burp LOVES, hahaha)
Not a crumb was wasted. No fight. Just yumminess.

The best lesson I've learned as a parent is to PICK MY BATTLES, and trust me- there are plenty of those. Forcing Burp to eat foods he doesn't like when there are so many that he does, just seems like a stupid reason to pick a fight.

I'm certain the next world war will be over mustard. Ugggg, vile, evil, nasty stuff.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Idol Finale

What the hell are they doing?

Aren't they always telling contestants to be current? They start out the show with Alice Cooper, two old guys I don't know, and Michael McDonald. How many people under the age of 25 know who the hell he is? Hall and Oats? Don't get me wrong... great in their day, but their day is long gone.

Really, there is so much I could rip on... but I won't. Karma got me... I was going to rip on someone... but, not being much of a speller, I googled to double check the person's name... and caused my own spoil. Grrrraaaah!

I am curious. When Paula came out and told her jokes with no punch and babbled bitterly, then past winners and contestants came out... WHERE THE HELL WAS DAVID COOK? .... a little googling later.... he had a charity event in Kansas City. I don't know what charity. But I'm kind of impressed. We've seen a few people tonight trying to revive their careers... but David put a charity above Simon. I really like that. LOL

OMG.... Janet Jackson sounds just like Michael Jackson. JUST FUCKING LIKE! I swear, the whole time she performed, I thought she was going to have another booby incident. haha.

So. unfortunately, I knew Lee was the winner. I think as far as finales go, this one fell incredibly flat. It was a hard debate for me, but I do think Crystal should have won, but I really like Lee too, so I have to wonder if I'd have felt the same had she really won.

Ohhhhh well. Idol is over. Simon is gone. The big question now is, Who will fill Simon's spot? It's a long wait til Season 10.

Talk Thursday: Spoiled

American Idol better not be spoiled for me. I know this is a cop out on the topic, but well.... it's the best I could do.

My mom doesn't watch result night because she can find out before hand who won and watch Ghost Hunters instead. Blah! I've been watching faithfully for months. I was shocked that Lily went home so early, appalled that Big Mike stayed so long, and though I really liked Tim.... it was time for him to go.

The top 3 were exactly what I thought it should be. The top 2, just as I called it. But last night.... I was screwed. I had no clue who to vote for! I love them both. Both opening songs were FABULOUS! I think Lee came out a little ahead in that round though. The second songs...... I didn't love, equally. And the last song, Crystal brought me to tears. That sounds like a tie to me.

I found myself having to look back over the season. Crystal came back ahead. So I started texting in my votes. After about 20 for Crystal, I felt guilty. I love Lee. So I voted for him too! Then my phone started spazzing out and I gave up on the whole thing. I have no idea how many I actually made but I know Crystal got more... and that's probably how it should have been.

I'm anxious for results though. I would love nothing more than to have them tie. How amazing would that be? This is the first year that I haven't ended with a clear and definite favorite. Granted, I've only been faithfully watching for 3 years now.

My only true disappointments this year have been a couple of songs that I wish they would have sung. Crystal would do an amazing job on a cover of Live's "I Alone" done by Anouk and Sarah Bettens (from K's Choice). And I really wish that Lee could have done Seven Mary Three's "Lucky". Simon could have picked much better songs for last night. Shame on him! If you don't know the songs I suggested, OMG... give a listen. Trust me. Amazing songs... and these guys would have nailed them!

Anouk and Sarah Bettens - I Alone        This song gives me goose bumps. The link quit working, but I replaced it!

Seven Mary Three - Lucky       I have to say that this You Tube doesn't sound great... but I couldn't find a better one that I could share. I have it on my PC, but it's with the PC mechanic getting a major tune up.

I know that a lot of people have said that this year's Idol didn't have the talent of years past. But I think the front runners are fabulous and I'm glad that they aren't standard "pop" stars. Let's face it, yeah, Big Mike had a good voice... but he's one of millions just like him. Sure, I love Lee and think he has a great voice... but even he doesn't bring anything new to the table. Crystal is not only a great preformer, but unique. She's like Anouk, K's Choice, or Skunk Anansie... and sure, I don't expect you to know them- they're European and probably 10 years old... maybe didn't make a big, huge splash here, but they are great bands. I'd love to see Crystal bring this type of music to the mainstream US.

So, boo to spoilers, don't ruin it for me! Tonight I'll be on the edge of my seat, waiting for the outcome. I guess my money is on Crystal... but the hand behind my back has fingers crossed for Lee.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I Am SO Riled Up!!!!

So I was reading this CNN article on the practice of female circumcision in the US by some African and Muslim immigrants. I've long thought this practice is horrific. But I feel this way about male circumcision, as well.

When I was in high school I had an amazing biology teacher who really forced us to think outside of the box. When the class discussed abortion, you never knew really where he stood on the issue. He was great. One day the topic of male circumcision came up and he very scientifically informed us of the history of the practice and how it didn't become popular with the English speaking world until about 1900. At that point, it became a widespread practice because society determined that little boys couldn't be taught to keep themselves clean.  Studies also show that circumcision does cause decreased sensitivity to the head of the penis.

I do have to say that I feel most forms of "female circumcision" are less like circumcision and more like castration. While male circumcision does decrease sexual pleasure, there are some drastic differences in practices. Boys are generally done as infants, are usually not "maimed" for life (though it depends on your definition of maimed), local anesthesia is often used, and can generally be considered a minor procedure. Female circumcision is done any time from infancy to puberty (most commonly at puberty, it seems), usually means the labia are either cut off or sewn together and/or the clitoris is cut off or completely excised, and there is no anesthesia.

People argue that this is their religion and in the US you have the right to practice your religion. Well, I'm sorry. There are a few instances where I have to say "fuck your religion". If someone opts to have this done to themselves when they reach adulthood, go for it. But no way in hell a parent should be allowed to force this on their child.

When I was pregnant with Burp, I alarmed some guys I knew when I approached them to ask how they felt about male circumcision. I didn't ask if they were or weren't, I asked if they felt it should have been their choice. The resounding  reply was, "Yes, they wished they'd had a choice." That sealed the deal for me. My son is not circumcised. If he chooses to have it done when he's older, great... I'll even help pay for it. But it will be his choice.

Interestingly, Wikipedia cites the World Health Organization as concluding that 30% of the world's males are circumcised, 68% of those are Muslim. In the US, 85% of males born in the 60's were circumcised as opposed to 56% in 2005.

Among men (aged 15 years or older) who are neither Jews nor Muslims, the overall prevalence of circumcision in the UK is 6% according to the WHO's estimates.
The thing that really, really amazed me was the comments people made to this article. I was astounded by the misinformation and ignorance out there.

- Male circumcision is for cleanliness and if anything increases sexual pleasure.

- Male circumcision is right because it comes from Christianity and bilble(scientific) and lot of christian scientists supports it. Female circumcision is wrong because it doesn't come from Christianity and bible. If you have your removed/cut then you better supports it. (This one just makes me LMFAO)

- There is a health benefit for male circumcision, just ask people that haven't been and see if they ever had an infection. (Also ask them how thoroughly they clean themselves and how often!)

- What shame Islam has brought to us and to themselves.

- Uncircumcised men provide more pleasure for women in bed.

- Circumcising a male is nothing more than a cosmetic alteration. [Which is proven to lower bacteria population on the genitals] (So does regular cleansing)

- Male circumcision is certainly a Christian tradition, depending on the sect.

- It's time for people who immigrate to the US or Canada to start acting like Americans.  (hahaha can't Canadians act like Canadians??)

- Actually more and more people are not circumcising baby boys these days. The practice is become less common because frankly more people are Agnostic or Atheist. (Perhaps this is not due to a lack of religion but the increased scientific awareness I have noticed in the Agnostics and Atheists I know.)

People kill me!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ahhhh Stressing Less!!!

So the bitch at the Unemployment office gave me 48 hours to get a letter to her with the counselor's recommendation that I be home with Burp in the evenings.
48 hours.
He recommended that I get supportive letters from all of Burp's care providers. In 48 hours.
I called his advocate, pediatrician, psychiatrist, and the school psychologist (who is evaluating him for Autism Spectrum Disorder). My deadline is a breath away and I have finally heard from his psychiatrist who will immediately draft a letter and fax it. (I barely caught him, in an hour he goes out of town until next week!) Everyone else has sent their letters.
The rest is in the hands of the Grinch and my fingers are crossed. Can she disregard the opinions of so many specialists?

Talk Thursday: Endings..... and Beginnings

I've been having a hard time with this topic... As you can see, I'm late.

I got the call yesterday morning. Burp's IEP meeting is June 2nd. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!* There is light somewhere in this tunnel. Of course, I have no idea what the outcome of their investigation is, but the autism specialist will be at the meeting, so that's hopeful, right?

I found out that it can take the CDRC 3 to 6 months to finish their process for a medical diagnosis. I also found out that this is a process of several 6 hour sessions. *SIGH*

Unemployment is trying to deny me. Unfortunately, I held a job at a hospital, and hospitals work round the clock and I'm supposed to be willing to accept any clerical-type job, no matter what shift it is. Who cares that my child has "issues"? Who cares that if I accepted an evening shift, Monday through Friday job, 9 months out of the year my child will never see me? Who cares that he'd probably flip the fuck out? Who cares that his Dad isn't involved and he only has one parent? Well, I can tell you who doesn't care... the stupid heartless, tight-assed, no soul bitch that is my adjudicator with the Unemployment department. She gave me 48 hours to get Burp's professionals to fax her a letter. 48 hours. His psychologist, the school psychologist, and his advocate have sent their letters. His psychiatrist returned my call 30 seconds before he left the office yesterday and I wasn't able to take the call as I was driving Burp to his counselor. And his pediatrician couldn't get the fax number to work. My deadline is in 2 hours.
I am feeling a LOT of hate for this bitch.

So for those of you who don't know, the hospital hired me back as resource. I'm not guaranteed any hours, but at least I am once again an employee. Staffing has agreed to cross-train me to be resource for other departments and I start my training on Saturday.

There is a possibility that Lane  Workforce (who we go through for our Unemployment stuff) might help me get a little extra training. To work as a Unit Secretary in ICU or CVU, I have to be monitor tech... if I can find out what that entails, then they might help me pay for it.  Or, finish out my 5 credits for my MOA. To get a Unit Secretary job at the other hospital, you have to be a CNA. They might help me get that. What they don't cover, the hospital might!
Those are options at least.

I'm trying some new parenting techniques. Being laid off for so long, I have finally started watching a bit more tv, mostly 'World's Strictest Parents', 'Trading Spouses', and 'Wife Swap'. I've gotten a few ideas, maybe seen a few areas I can improve on. I've instigated Consequence Cards for random disobedience. "5 Minutes of Silence" to maybe help combat Burp's volume control issues. (Burp has one volume, loud. My hope is that when he's having serious issues using his indoor voice, maybe 5 minutes of total silence will help him "reset" by showing him what quiet truly is. *shrug* maybe?) And last, but not least, I am so tired of repeating myself!! Burp now has to do 10 sit-ups or push-ups every time he ignores me or argues with me. By the end of summer, he's sure to be the buffest kid in his class!!!!

Side note: Burp apparently has a huge interest in history. I knew he was kind of interested, but a few weeks ago- he shocked the shit out of me.
The 4th and 5th graders hosted a "wax museum" for their underclassmen. The kids dressed up like historical figures and taught the younger students about them. This had a HUGE impact on Burp! He came home telling me about Harriet Tubman, Annie Oakley, Betsy Ross, Molly Pitcher, Rosa Parks, Benjamin Franklin, Martin Luther King Jr, Jackie Robinson, and Edison, Washington, Lincoln, and God knows who else. Yes, sappy me cried a little. He was so fascinated and excited to tell me about these people. He told me facts that I didn't even know. Sometimes he'd forget the name and was totally amazed when I could come up with the name. "Yeah, that's it Mom! How did you know that?" lol

A few days later, the school had it's annual Walk-a-thon and the kids were all there together. At one point Burp went up to his teacher and pointed to some of the 4th and 5th graders who had been in the "wax museum".

"Mrs. C- I feel like I'm walking amongst greatness!"

*sniff* My child amazes me.

(And she verified that, yes, that was a direct quote. "Amongst"
He's been popping out all these mature words lately; amongst, literally, discombobulated, or "Mom, it's just a figure of speech!"

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Funny Kid

Burp cracks me up. First of all, on the way back from grandma's he didn't sleep a wink. Instead he talked non-stop until Jesse McCartney's Beautiful Soul came on, then he sang it over and over at the top of his lungs, sounding something like a sick cat in heat caught in an electric fence. But he looked at me me with such love. Ahhhhhh it was so hard not to laugh and cringe.

Then, as I'm tucking him into bed, I kissed his head and he said "Ahhh my spinal chord." I corrected him that your spinal chord is in your vertebrae, aka the spine. He argued that part of it is in your brain and I said, "No, it stops at the medulla oblongata. Can you say medulla oblongata?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Heck no, but I can say Queen Amidalla. That's close enough, and way cooler."

Star Wars wins again!

Happy Mother's Day!!

I'm a mom. That's how I define myself. I've always been a mom, since long before I had Burp.

When I was a kid, I knew I wanted a huge family. I had dreams of family baseball games and being a soccer mom. Of course, I didn't have a ton of kids. I never really planned to be a single parent, and I'm not totally crazy. When I was a teen, I remember my elderly, psychic, now-a-little-crazy great aunt coming to visit. I was devastated when she said I'd never have any kids, that I would be a mother to the world and all the children in it. I, of course, thought she was nuts. I cried. And though I now have a very real, 8-year-old boy, who is genetically mine, I get what she meant.

I have no burning need to have another child of my own. Sure, I really wanted a daughter too, even have her name picked out... but it isn't necessary. My aunt was right in one respect. I have no problem loving kids that aren't the fruit of my loins. Now I dream of having a large enough house and a stable enough income to allow me to do foster care. There are so many kids out their that need healthy, loving homes. It almost feels like it would be selfish if I were to get to that place in my life and have another child instead of give a home to those already out there.

Until then, I borrow the neighbor kids. Diva and her brother GamerBoy, their cousin Gemini, Peaches, Whiner, and Burp's little buddy from scouts Pippin. This week I hit a sale at Freddy's and had them all over to pot some flowers for Mother's Day. All morning they've been sneaking over to grab their gifts from the back porch, all smiles and little waves. They're so proud of themselves. I'm going to try super hard to do this next year too.

A few weeks ago, we had all the kids over and they each got to make their own personal little pizza and then we watched a movie. The kids loved it. So many had never made pizza before. Sometimes they'll come over just to help me work in the garden or Diva and Peaches and I will do our nails. Sometimes we bake. Occasionally, Diva's mom will text and say that Diva wants to come hangout with me, is that ok? OMG... I think that's so sweet. Of course it's ok. She'll bring a color book and crayons into the kitchen and keep me company while I wash dishes or get dinner ready. Burp will come in from playing outside and see her, "Ohh, hey Diva. Wanna come play? No, ok. Cool. Love you mom." And he grabs whatever he came for and is off again.

I get what my great aunt was saying, even if she was wrong in saying that I'd never physically have a child of my own. Interestingly, damn near every tarot reading I've had in the last 15 years has had the Empress card come up. At least 9 out of 10 times.

In a few hours, I will head home to spend the day with my mom and my Burp. Have I ever mentioned that I am blessed to have the greatest mom in the world? She would probably argue that she has the greatest mom, just as I argue that point with Burp. I come from a long line of great moms, I can only hope that I do my part to carry on with that tradition. They're big shoes to fill.
Here's a few thoughts on Mom, have a wonderful Day!

The Prophet

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday.
- Kahlil Gibran

What Is a Mother?

A mother can be almost any size or any age, but she won't admit to anything over thirty. A mother has soft hands and smells good. A mother likes new dresses, music, a clean house, her children's kisses, an automatic washer and Daddy. A mother doesn't like having her children sick, muddy feet, temper tantrums, loud noise or bad report cards. A mother can read a thermometer (much to the amazement of Daddy) and like magic, can kiss a hurt away.
A mother can bake good cakes and pies but likes to see her children eat vegetables. A mother can stuff a fat baby into a snowsuit in seconds and can kiss sad little faces and make them smile.
A mother is underpaid, has long hours and gets very little rest. She worries too much about her children but she says she doesn't mind at all. And no matter how old her children are, she still likes to think of them as her little babies.
She is the guardian angel of the family, the queen, the tender hand of love. A mother is the best friend anyone ever had. A mother is love.
- Author Unknown

To My Mother

For all the times you gently picked me up,
When I fell down,
For all the times you tied my shoes
And tucked me into bed,
Or needed something
But put me first instead.
For everything we shared,
The dreams, the laughter,
And the tears,
I love you with a "Special Love"
That deepens every year..

Author Unknown.

You Know Your a Mom When...

    1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 
    2. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute shapes.  
    3. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.  
    4. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"  
    5. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.  
    6. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.  
    7. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything

Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Missionary Boys

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
  --  Galileo Galilei

This is probably my most favorite quote of all time. I admire Galileo very much. Brilliant and progressive- yet devout, but ostracized and condemned by the church for challenging the conventional wisdoms of his time. Nobody likes a free thinker.

I know I've said this many times, but I appreciate that my mother raised me to find my own religious truths, to think for myself, and not to blindly follow whatever doctrine was put before me. I love that she taught me to investigate, keep an open mind, and make my own deductions. I remember one church teaching that to ask "Why?" was to question God, and therefore a sin. What a load of crap! 

I love that we watched shows like 'Hidden Mysteries of the Bible'. That show was so cool! I love that they looked at things from so many different perspectives. They had interviews with priests, rabbis, and a vast collection of theologians from different religions around the world. I was fascinated by how they could agree or disagree on ideas that all came from the same place.

For the majority of my adult life I have had Pioneers from the Jehovah's Witness church who've come on weekly visits to my home. I am so happy to finally not have roommates that will balk at this idea. I understand that a lot of people are irritated by proselytizers, but I admire anyone who upholds the tenants of their faith and I like the personal interaction and learning about a religion from actual members and not solely from a book. In truth, I wish members of other religions would come knock on my door. I'd love to sit and talk about Buddhism, Judaism, or the Muslim faith.

Sadly, my experience has usually been that J.W.'s are more willing than Mormons, to come in and have a discussion after hearing my "I'm not a Christian and don't see that changing, but I'd love to learn about your religion" speech. Usually Mormons say have a nice day, and leave. I have recently acquired two very nice missionary boys who seem to be just as eager to learn about me as I am to learn about them. Most of my friends think I'm weird, but I'm so excited by this.

 On their first visit, they were surprised to see that I had a Book of Mormon wedged between my Episcopal Book of Common Prayers and my J.W. New World Translation of the Bible. "Have you read it?" they asked eagerly. "Ummm, I've skimmed it." I didn't have the heart to tell them that I thought what I had read was bogus. I do try to be as respectful as possible. When they're here, I don't go stand at the back door and smoke... but I finally had to tell them that I like my coffee and am no longer going to let it go cold when they knock on my door. I did not know that it isn't the caffeine they have a problem with, but the tannin. Interesting.

On their second visit, they were shocked that not only had I read the little booklet they'd left me, but highlighted and cross-referenced with several different versions of the Bible. They'd apparently never had anyone do that. Hmmm? They'd also never had anyone point out the glaring contradiction of texts in that booklet. (OK, YES.... one of my favorite things EVER is to play stump the door knockers....if you're going to knock on my door to teach me about God, you better know your stuff!!)

When they left that day, they gave me another booklet about Christ being sinless and perfect and the Atonement. Being that I'm not a Christian, but an omnist, I believe that Jesus was a prophet like Moses, Aaron, Buddha, and Mohammad, not the Divine, incarnate Son of God- I set forth to find evidence that Jesus was a man, like any other, and had sinned. ..... That wasn't so easy. I even went so far as to search the internet for other skeptics and investigated their "proof". To be honest, I found it to be reaching and flimsy. 
1) Jesus was often disrespectful and rude to his mother when he spoke to her by addressing her as "Woman.." "Woman, what does your concern have to do with me?..." John 2:4. Flimsy.... you have to put it into context of the times. Perhaps that it just how people spoke back then. It's not like he called her a stupid bitch or something.
2) Supposedly Jesus conspired to steal a horse...
Luke 19:29-35

  When he drew near to Bethphage and Bethany, at the mount that is called Olivet, he sent two of the disciples, 30 saying, “Go into the village in front of you, where on entering you will find a colt tied, on which no one has ever yet sat. Untie it and bring it here. 31 If anyone asks you, ‘Why are you untying it?’ you shall say this: ‘The Lord has need of it.’” 32 So those who were sent went away and found it just as he had told them. 33 And as they were untying the colt, its owners said to them, “Why are you untying the colt?” 34 And they said, “The Lord has need of it.” 35 And they brought it to Jesus, and throwing their cloaks on the colt, they set Jesus on it.

Mark 11:1-7Now when they drew near to Jerusalem, to Bethphage and Bethany, at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two of his disciples and said to them, “Go into the village in front of you, and immediately as you enter it you will find a colt tied, on which no one has ever sat. Untie it and bring it. If anyone says to you, ‘Why are you doing this?’ say, ‘The Lord has need of it and will send it back here immediately.’” And they went away and found a colt tied at a door outside in the street, and they untied it. And some of those standing there said to them, “What are you doing, untying the colt?” And they told them what Jesus had said, and they let them go. And they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks on it, and he sat on it.

And again an account in Matt 21:1-7
Now when they drew near to Jerusalem and came to Bethphage, to the Mount of Olives, then Jesus sent two disciples, saying to them, “Go into the village in front of you, and immediately you will find a donkey tied, and a colt with her. Untie them and bring them to me. If anyone says anything to you, you shall say, ‘The Lord needs them,’ and he will send them at once.” This took place to fulfill what was spoken by the prophet, saying,
“Say to the daughter of Zion,
‘Behold, your king is coming to you,
humble, and mounted on a donkey,
and on a colt, the foal of a beast of burden.’”
The disciples went and did as Jesus had directed them. They brought the donkey and the colt and put on them their cloaks, and he sat on them.

This doesn't sound like a horse thief to me.

I always thought that there was blatant proof that Jesus had doubted God's will as he hung on the cross.
Mark 15:34 & Matt 27:46
"And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

What I didn't realize (and neither did my missionary boys) is that this is the beginning of Psalm 22
 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
       Why are you so far from saving me,
       so far from the words of my groaning?  2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
       by night, and am not silent.
 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
       you are the praise of Israel. 
 4 In you our fathers put their trust;
       they trusted and you delivered them.
 5 They cried to you and were saved;
       in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
 6 But I am a worm and not a man,
       scorned by men and despised by the people.
 7 All who see me mock me;
       they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
 8 "He trusts in the LORD;
       let the LORD rescue him.
       Let him deliver him,
       since he delights in him."
 9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
       you made me trust in you
       even at my mother's breast.
 10 From birth I was cast upon you;
       from my mother's womb you have been my God.
 11 Do not be far from me,
       for trouble is near
       and there is no one to help.
 12 Many bulls surround me;
       strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
 13 Roaring lions tearing their prey
       open their mouths wide against me.
 14 I am poured out like water,
       and all my bones are out of joint.
       My heart has turned to wax;
       it has melted away within me.
 15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
       and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
       you lay me in the dust of death.
 16 Dogs have surrounded me;
       a band of evil men has encircled me,
       they have pierced my hands and my feet.
 17 I can count all my bones;
       people stare and gloat over me.
 18 They divide my garments among them
       and cast lots for my clothing.
 19 But you, O LORD, be not far off;
       O my Strength, come quickly to help me.
 20 Deliver my life from the sword,
       my precious life from the power of the dogs.
 21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
       save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
 22 I will declare your name to my brothers;
       in the congregation I will praise you.
 23 You who fear the LORD, praise him!
       All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
       Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
 24 For he has not despised or disdained
       the suffering of the afflicted one;
       he has not hidden his face from him
       but has listened to his cry for help.
 25 From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
       before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows.
 26 The poor will eat and be satisfied;
       they who seek the LORD will praise him—
       may your hearts live forever!
 27 All the ends of the earth
       will remember and turn to the LORD,
       and all the families of the nations
       will bow down before him,
 28 for dominion belongs to the LORD
       and he rules over the nations.
 29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
       all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
       those who cannot keep themselves alive.
 30 Posterity will serve him;
       future generations will be told about the Lord.
 31 They will proclaim his righteousness
       to a people yet unborn—
       for he has done it.

Psalm 22 is believed to have been a common part of prayer for Jews of that time. In addition, this was David's prophecy of Jesus' crucification as told in Acts 2:29-31
"Brothers, I can tell you confidently that the patriarch David died and was buried, and his tomb is here to this day. 30But he was a prophet and knew that God had promised him on oath that he would place one of his descendants on his throne. 31Seeing what was ahead, he spoke of the resurrection of the Christ, that he was not abandoned to the grave, nor did his body see decay.

Don't get me wrong. The Bible was written to support the theory of God and Jesus as the Son of God and only a small percentage of his life was actually written about, but I was kind of impressed to study deeper and discredit my own theory.
My Mormon boys were impressed as well.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Talk Thursday: The Invisible Worm

My invisible worm is anxiety fostered by self-doubt.

I don't know why, it's just the way I'm wired.

Yesterday, I walked in to the gas station and said I got a fill on number 8. The guy informed me that I had to wait for it to be done filling before I could pay. I felt like an idiot. (I know I shouldn't have, but I did.) So I stepped back and waited. Every person who came up to the counter was polite when the guy tried to help them. "Ohh, she was first." I felt like an idiot as I waved them on and said I was waiting. Why? No reason to, but I did. But every time someone acknowledged me, my anxiety went up a notch. Then I realized that I was shaking and had that nauseous feeling. Ridiculous, I know. Filling my gas tank shouldn't put me into a panic attack.

I burn hot with embarrassment when I remember a situation that happened back about 20 years ago. My step grandfather had been in town and took us all out to dinner. When it was dessert time, they brought a cart around and starting with my cousin, asked what kind she wanted. When she picked, I thought I'd be helpful and handed it to her. I'd never been to a restaurant that had a dessert cart. Everyone laughed and the waitress looked embarrassed for me and explained that you don't take these ones, they've been on the cart all day. You pick, then they bring you fresh ones. But they didn't take my cousin's, they left it there and I had to know that she didn't get a fresh one. I still feel like a total ass when I think about that, and part of me knows that I shouldn't.... I was thirteen for christsake, so the other half of me just wonders what's wrong with me that I still feel the shame of that night?

I won't go to a restaurant or a movie by myself. There is that unreasonable part of me that thinks that other people will look at me and judge me pathetic. The fat girl eats alone, or that I have no friends to go to the movie with. Reason and logic tells me that most people won't even notice me, but the irrational part knows that they will look at me.

I hate going to any where by myself, especially if I've never been there before or am not quite sure of proper procedure once I am there. I get nervous and shake and feel like I might cry just knowing that I'm going to do or say something wrong. And god forbid if, unbidden, someone talks to me when I'm in that state, I totally panic. I have completely frozen, then just turned around and walked away from them. I have burst into tears.

It kind of makes meeting guys hard. When they do talked to me, I just wonder why? What's the joke? What's your strategy? What's your goal here?

I seem to lack the ability to socialize with people I don't know. My anxiety rears up and I seem to be out of breath and my brain goes a million miles a minute. I over evaluate everything I say. I notice that I'm not making eye contact and then I wonder if they think that I'm a liar. I notice that I use my hands too much. I'm talking too fast. I'm using "I" too much, they're going to think that I'm self-centered. I find myself frustrated that I don't have the ability to read minds because I should be able to know what this person thinks of me... and I don't, and then I feel so cut off from the rest of the world. Then I think OMG, I'm so weird. This isn't normal.

I don't know how I got this way. I didn't used to be like this. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes almost nonexistent. Almost.

Update: Diva

Tumor? Blood clot?......... Apparently, just fluid on her brain causing intracranial pressure and swelling of her optic nerve. This was determined by the lumbar puncture and second MRI.

Originally, about a month ago, Diva had a really, really bad ear infection. She ran a fever, vomited nonstop, and slept about 20 hours a day for at least a week. After 3 days, her mom took her to the doctor and they put her on antibiotics. Every three days thereafter, her mother took her back to the doctor when her symptoms didn't improve. Each time the doctor changed her antibiotic and said it was just a bad ear infection. Then she developed the eye pain and headaches. After the 5th visit they discovered that she also had a massive sinus infection that they believed had spread to her ocular cavity and was causing her eye to disalign, giving her double vision and a headache. They changed her antibiotic again.
At this point, I started wondering about meningitis, which can be caused by ear and sinus infections. I even told her mom she should request a lumbar puncture. The doctor brushed her off. The infection was going down, so they sent her to the eye doctor. Then the tumor scare...

I can't say "Hahaha, I was right," because I have no idea what kind of fluid build up she has, but it frustrates me that I was in the ball park and it took the doctors so long to get a clue. Then there's the fact that they bounced around so much in their theories, I just hope that they're right this time.

Now Diva's feeling a bit better, though she's mad at her Daddy for signing her up to get a needle in her back (like he just volunteered her for a random torture session)(which she was asleep for).

Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts on her behalf.

I'm In A Contemplative Mood....

Mom, cover your eyes.

Don't ask my why I'm stuck on this question tonight... but I'm just wondering... What is the real fascination with shaving the bush? Really, I find myself in the should I? or shouldn't I? and this has been eating at me for YEARS. Obviously guys care, cuz they tend to ask (which I think is tacky). I feel you should wait and see.... and if you have a preference, well- you need to wait til your opinion REALLY counts. If we aren't to the point that you can request a favorite piece of lingerie, then you can not make suggestions on how I maintain the pubis.
1) I'm a bit afraid of razor burn in that general area. I have sensitive skin.
2) The fact that you want it to be reminiscent of that of a prepubescent's freaks me the fuck out.
3) For above reason, shaved balls freaks me out. (Just so you know)

Sorry, I'm in a weird mood and have a bunch of random junk on my mind... Perhaps if I get it out of my head I can focus on Talk Thursday.

Random Thought.....

"One in four women misread a traditional pregnancy test."

Ummmm common sense says "If you can't read a pregnancy test, maybe you shouldn't breed."

....but that's just me...


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Cracked Skull and True LOVE

I missed Idol. *sigh*

After swim tonight, Burp ran into the shower and slipped and busted open his head. I'm out by the pool talking to his instructor then wander out to wait by the locker room doors. A girl comes from the other direction, "Are you waiting for a boy?"
Ummm, no. I just stand outside men's locker rooms in my free time..
"He fell and cracked open his head. Could you come with me please?"
Then she led me to the office to wait for him cuz he was still in the locker room with a staff member. That was a shitty 5 minutes. Finally he came out. He wasn't too bad. Burp has a high tolerance for pain, low for blood. So he was just a little freaked out.
Sooooo, instead of watching American Idol, I got to go watch his head being stapled. Good times.
Afterward we took Diva and her mom chocolate shakes at the other hospital. The doctor determined that she didn't have a tumor, but now thinks she might have a blood clot in her brain. In the morning she'll have a lumbar puncture and another MRI. Poor thing. We're not sure how long she's going to be there. We don't know if IV therapy or surgery is required. We know nothing.
As we were leaving Burp gave Diva a light noogie and said, "See ya tomorrow cutie."
And she was like "Don't call me that!"
Her mom walked us outside and Burp was all butt-hurt, "Diva doesn't like me anymore."
Diva's mom laughed, "Girls are meanest to the boys they like the most. She still likes you."
Burp jumped up and down. "Wooohooo. She must really love me! She's always mean to me!"


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Talk Thursday: Imaginary Spring

Nothing is more lovely than springtime in Oregon. Okay, maybe fall in Oregon.... Or fall in Vermont (not that I've ever seen it myself.) But, I love spring. Spring is a million shades of green and the smell of rich soil during a mid-day shower. Spring is nature screaming "Here I am!"

This weekend was Ducky's birthday and an excuse to drive home to mom's. Probably my second favorite way to spend an hour and a half. I love that drive, but in the early spring it's so much better.

Highway 126 aimlessly winds it's way from the Willamette Valley, through the Coast Range mountains, over rivers and streams, to end itself at Highway 101- roughly two miles from the beach. The greens are amazing. I am impressed with the number of plants and trees I know the names of and awed by the vast amount I don't know. God, I love this drive.

The valley itself is rich. Vineyards and orchards are plentiful. Further up the I-5 corridor you come to grass seed country. I think I've got to live in one of the greenest cities in the country. It's hard to find an area that doesn't have trees. In a month it will start snowing cherry blossoms and the streets will be covered in a blanket of pink.

Leaving the city behind, you immediately find yourself in farm country. Plush green pastures (dotted with cows, horses, and the occasional sheep) divided by patches of deciduous forest bright with new greenery. The rolling green hills are crowned with tight groves of maple, oak, alder, apple, and walnut- each with their own color pallets of leaf, bark, and moss. The way the sun breaks through the clouds to shine down in that magical way- I'm certain that from deep within these groves I can hear the "Hrum, hoom, hm" of the Ents that surely dwell within.

Climbing the foothills brings douglas firs towering above the leafy green, while shrubs and vines spread through the spaces between. Elderberry, apple, dogwood, and thimble berries add their flowers of white. No where can you find a patch of bare dirt, even the rocky cliffs sprout their ferns and wildflowers where the crevices catch the dirt and the dirt grabs seed. Higher still, the mountain sides are like patchwork quilts of bright, light, and vibrant greens backed with thick orderly rows of dark reforested fir. As the hillside drops away from the road, I look down into the thick forest of tree trunks reaching forever down to the valley below and then forever up to the branches that block out the sun. Each trunk is thickly swaddled in blankets of golden-green moss. If I were a hobbit or a dwarf, my house would be down there with nothing but the birds and the babbling brooks to keep me company.

As the coastline draws nearer elderberry gives way to blackberry and rhododendrons heavy with buds begin to announce the end of the line. In about three weeks the length of 101 will be cotton candy pink with their blooms. The maple and alder trees have given way to more fir and pines start to appear. Amazingly, the only plant to feature consistently throughout the journey from valley to mountaintop to sandy beach has been the obnoxious scotch broom heavy with it's rich buttery buds. And I wheeze. Oregon is an allergist's dream come true.

You can't say that spring is imaginary. If you can't see spring, then you can smell it and hear it in the voice of the birds on the wind. Spring has come!